


The Gift Of Teddy

by XtaticPearl



Series: T-Mail [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Avengers Feels, Avengers friendship - Freeform, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Spoilers, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Clint Barton & Tony Stark Friendship, Clint Needs a Hug, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, Gift Giving, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Iron Man 3 Spoilers, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Minor Bruce Banner/Betty Ross, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Past Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Pen Pals, Pietro Maximoff Lives, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Secret Identity, Steve Rogers Feels, Team Bonding, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Wanda Maximoff Needs a Hug, Where Was Clint Barton During Captain America 2?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-07-18 03:10:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 46,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7297090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XtaticPearl/pseuds/XtaticPearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark keeps giving the team upgrades, new tech, fancy gizmos and everything they might like on the field. They feel awkward at first but then it is cleared that he is doing this as an official consultant. A few weeks after they settle into the newly renovated Avengers Tower, they start getting gifts of a ...different kind. Things that make them feel normal and better. The only problem is that these gifts come from some fan named Teddy and they have no clue who that is. Despite that, he somehow becomes their closest friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PapukaDex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PapukaDex/gifts), [padawanewan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/padawanewan/gifts).



> You've Got Mail meets Secret Santa meets Angst meets Tony Stark's stupid/genius ideas jumbo fic. Enjoy.
> 
> Dedicated to two of my most frequent reviewers <3 Thank you for keeping my inbox full with your encouragement :D

Tony met Phil Coulson before he was graced with the one-eyed pirate.

Agent Coulson came into Tony's life like the perfect party pooper that he was, nagging the billionaire genius during the best and worst party of his life. Tony didn't notice him at first, something not surprising seeing how Phil wasn't noticeable at first glance. He didn't have a charming smile, cutting sharp wit or a stand-out quality that would leave a brilliant first impression on someone like Tony Stark who hardly recognized his laundry lady of six years. So Tony doesn't think too much when the soft-toned yet resolute man tries to persuade Tony to debrief or something about his Afghanistan experience. Tony told him to pencil in an appointment with Pepper, whom Tony had been eyeing while he spoke, and forgot about the commitment as soon as the words left his mouth.

Pepper though, she had a better judgement of first impressions and observation of people's true strengths. She remembered Phil and that probably saved her life when Obie tried to attack her with a suit powered by Tony's arc-reactor.

Tony takes full credit for the heroic save but he does grudgingly acknowledge that Phil Coulson is resourceful, smart and a 100 times better with people than Tony is.

He doesn't become the guy's friend though. That remains in Pepper's arena.

He did get to meet the one-eyed pirate though and Tony took utmost pleasure in telling him to shove his boy-band idea. He was never interested in playing with people who tried to control him anyway.

Phil didn't call or meet for another six months. Tony didn't think much about it but Pepper seemed to keep in touch with him. Tony doesn't feel insecure of people but he decides to refer to the guy as Agent instead of Phil nonetheless. Distance is good, distance keeps things in perspective.

Of course, when he thought he was doing good, his heart decided to kill him.

"If this was your last birthday, what would you want to do?" he asked his new PA, a quietly beautiful young woman, Natalie.

"Whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted to do it with," she replied and honestly, Tony wanted to gag at the innuendos buried in there but also knew that it was a simple enough message. He knew what he wanted to do and with whom. He wanted to tell the truth and celebrate it somewhere away from New York, with Pepper and Rhodey, his favorite people in the world, barring Jarvis whom the world didn't consider a person. Tony thought the world was overrated. 

He didn't celebrate with Pepper and Rhodey. Instead, he gets piss drunk, insults Pepper, fights Rhodey, alienates everyone spectacularly and makes sure that Rhodey flies away in his suit. He doesn't feel good, but maybe that's just the palladium in his heart. He tries, he tries really hard to save himself but when he sees a dead-end he ransacks a donut shop and enjoys being an asshole on a giant donut hole.

That is how he meets the one-eyed pirate again. Nick Fury, who is every bit suitable to his surname. The guy has a simmering anger wrapped up in cunning and crafty intelligence. Tony tries to brush him off again but it comes off more half-hearted, probably because his heart is half-way dead. Then he gets his neck stabbed by Natalie, who is Natasha Romanoff, who is a fucking scary assassin turned spy turned SHIELD agent. 

Tony fires her. Nobody respects Tony anymore to listen to him.

Phil returns to his life after that, being assigned as Tony's babysitter till he unearths some miracle that will save the billionaire's heart. Phil shows him his taser and coolly threatens to tase him while watching Supernanny if Tony doesn't get off his ass to use his brain better.

Tony thinks he finally gets why Phil is special. He has the patience of a saint, something Tony has never had and begins to admire.

Tony still calls him Agent and Phil remains unimpressed with him. Tony loves it.

He ends up saving himself, saving a bunch of people at his Expo, saving Rhodey, saving Pepper, and getting Pepper to agree to date him. 

He gets rejected for the boy-band of Nick Fury but his suit gets recommended. He laughs in the pirate's face and agrees to be a consultant in exchange for a petty revenge on a pompous assclown, slightly more arrogant and definitely more devious than Tony himself. He doesn't try to talk to Natalie/Natasha, finding no purpose in talking to someone who lied to him when he was vulnerable and yet ended up being a catalyst in saving him.

He doesn't see Phil again for another year but Pepper apparently does. Tony doesn't think much about it and enjoys being Iron Man, being Tony Stark and being alive.

When Phil comes back after a year, with a laptop and a cosmic problem, Tony feels his arc reactor whirring a bit faster. He bitches at Phil that he is a consultant. Phil is mature even then to tell him to suck it up and work to save the world.

Tony has never listened to a better babysitter. He offers to fly Coulson to Portland to be with his girlfriend for a while. Coulson, the son of a bitch, dies before they even agree on the flight.

Tony hates the Avengers for Phil. He hates Nick Fury for dragging Coulson into their madness. He hates Loki for everything and quietly distrusts Thor for being the bastard's brother. He still saves the world with the idiots and tells them to call if they need anything.

He shakes Captain America's hand before leaving and remembers blood stained trading cards. He tries to not hate the guy for Phil. He doesn't know how long he can try though and instead rides back home with a new science buddy.

Pepper is wary of Bruce Banner but Tony tells him to move in. Maybe that was where Pepper and he began disagreeing on bigger issues. He doesn't remember but he does remember Phil Coulson and unwittingly becomes a tad too involved with the Avengers the guy had worked so hard in bringing together.

The Stark Tower loses four letters. Tony gains four Tower mates, because Thor prefers staying with his girlfriend whenever he's on Earth.

He tries to not feel like he's taking over Phil's role.

Maybe that was how it all started. Maybe Phil was the reason Teddy was born. 

Or maybe it was just another bad idea that began with a good intention after a subtle revelation.

 


	2. The First Six Months - The Birth Of Teddy (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy is born and Tony begins to know his team.

"Why is this in my hand?" Clint asks slowly, blinking at the new quiver of arrows that Tony had placed in his palm.

"Because you shoot them? You know, pull string, whsoom whsoom, flying through someone's eye socket?" Tony replied with a confused look at Clint's blank expression, "Uh, you are still an archer, right?"

Clint had this eerie look in his eyes that Tony had heard Natasha once call the Ice Drop. He would be cheekily snapping about some ridiculous rookie agent at SHIELD when suddenly he;d go still and his eyes would become cold. Tony always double-checked if they had turned blue because he remembered how Clint looked when Loki had his control. Thankfully, they were still Clint's natural color but there would be a stone like quality to them. Like he was dead.

"I can't," Clint said simply and placed the quiver roughly on the worktable before marching out of the workshop. Tony didn't even have a chance to ask why. Later, much later, when he had gone to visit Fury on the Hellicarrier about some new Quinjet schematic, he eavesdropped two baby agents talking about Clint's suspension pending approval from the WSC. 

Tony didn't feel guilty but he sure didn't feel better. He chalked it up to the prospect of meeting Fury but knows his own lies pretty well.

It had been two weeks since the Avengers had moved into the new Tower and Tony had hardly spoken to most of them, but Clint had been wandering along the place frequent enough that Tony would be bound to dash into him. When Tony said 'dash' he meant Clint jumping into Tony's path from some vent calmly, with his resting face scaring the crap out of Tony's poor arc-reactor heart. 

They weren't friends. Tony was sane enough not to call a SHIELD agent with clear depression and PTSD with a motherlode of mind-control aftermath his friend. 

But they were something. Strange acquaintances who lived in the same Tower.

Also, Clint used arrows and a bow, something that itched at Tony's sweet spot every time he thought of an upgrade for the ancient weapon. Clint was a great test subject for Tony's explosive nature. But Clint was not happy with Tony's explosive babies.

He was all icy and bitch-faced. Tony usually liked that kind of company just fine but he liked having his sweet, sweet arrows tested as well. Which Clint couldn't/wouldn't do anymore. Not till he was in suspension.

Tony wasn't thinking straight when he made the deal with Fury to relax Clint's restrictions and give him permission to use his weapon, if only at the Tower, under Jarvis' supervision. Fury looked like Christmas came early when he extorted five  _really huge_ favors from Tony in exchange for that.

Tony really wants to hate Fury when he is stuck with those favors, working in his 'shop for the entire net week, but Clint has stolen the quiver. Which meant that Fury had informed him about the relaxation.

Of course, Tony doesn't tell Clint about the deal. They aren't friends and Tony is more bothered about the review for his arrows than Clint showing some kind of stupid sappy gratitude. 

He feels his arc-reactor work better after that week for some reason though.

\--*--

Tony finds Rogers looming around the absolutely spectacular state-of-the-art gym Tony had gotten re-built after Loki's dickness all the time. He doesn't believe in the phrase 'playing Peeping Tom' because Jarvis is a class apart from any Tom, Dick or Harry, and he really isn't comfortable with the word spying. Not with an actual ex-KGB spy in the Tower. But if technicality rolled around somewhere, Tony would be called encroaching privacy, because he watches the security footage religiously as he lets Jarvis fabricate his latest suit. He watches Rogers,  _Captain America_ , walk awkwardly around the machines and equipment in the gym, like they are out to hurt him.

Tony has a good mind to feel insulted on behalf of his machines. Especially the treadmill, which Rogers eyes with suspicion. Like it will break him or his delicate feet and -

Oh.

Tony watches in fascination as Steve breaks the treadmill by  _running too fast_ for the machine. Jarvis reminds him of the list of villains with ridiculous laughter when Tony cackles madly at the challenge of matching Captain America to a worthy exercise equipment.

"Punching bags. Kevlar." Tony barks three days later and Steve blinks suspiciously at the large craters being rolled into the gym by some guys in blue uniforms that have neat  _Stark Industries_ printed on their pocket sleeves.

"Why?" Steve asks instead of saying thank you or asking about kevlar. Tony narrows his eyes and looks at him like he is stupid making Steve flush a dull red.

"Break them," Tony commands and crosses his arms like Steve owes him something. In his mind, Tony thinks Steve owes him a lot of thinks but that might also be a result of a lot of psychological terms that make Tony play AC/DC at maximum volume sometimes. Steve looks back at Tony like he is dust and Tony raises an eyebrow which means that even if he is dust, he is precious gold dust. Steve may not know a lot about the 21st century but apparently he understands Tony's eyebrows.

He shatters two bags within twenty minutes and the dust flies at Tony's face, something even going into Tony's open mouth. Steve looks smug but Tony is more focused on the shattered bags and smiles with an unholy glint before rushing out.

He brings in stronger, re-inforced bags after two days and Steve looks like he is ready to punch Tony. Tony smirks back with an added touch of arrogance but also checks if his armor bracelet is on his wrist. Just in case.

Steve doesn't punch him but Tony is pretty sure that he imagined the bag to be a goatee-d face. Only one bag breaks that day. Tony laughs his maniac laugh and Steve looks uneasily between Tony and the ceiling. The genius doesn't owe him any explanation, in his head, so simply walks out again.

The third bunch of bags don't break and Steve actually looks less constipated. Tony actually grins at Steve for that and claps him on the back which makes Steve jerk back stiffly, like Tony actually hurt him. Tony doesn't think much about it. He's got touch issues himself and it's not like he wants to be friends with Rogers. 

"This is brilliant" Tony boasts as he peruses his latest creation, the new bags and Steve watches Tony warily before shrugging.

"It's not bad," he concurs and Tony rolls his eyes.

"Bitch, please. Like it could get any better,"

Steve seemed to have found some sort of God energy after that and manages to break another bag, even though this time his knuckles get streaked with bloody scratches.

Tony nods his head in thought before smirking at Steve and leaving. He notes that Steve stands looking lost in the gym after that for some days but Tony ignores that in favor of building better training gear.

He thinks that he has finally found some good use for Captain America living with him. If he has some sort of arc-reactor pain every time he catches Steve looking lost, he chalks it up for another upgrade necessity to the reactor.

********

Bruce drinks tea like scotch. Tony drinks scotch like tea.

"You should really not be drinking in the lab," Bruce ventures hesitantly one day when Tony is in his poking mood.

"You should really be drinking and letting the Other Guy breathe some time," Tony points out with a smirk and ignores the small flinch on the doctor's face before he silently goes about doing his work.

Tony tests Bruce's patience four times in total. It's after the fourth time that he believes that the Hulk room is really effective.

He drops a green coloured mega-couch as a reward in the room, for Hulk being a fun subject of testing. Pepper tells him that Bruce left for India on an 'emergency'. Her face looks pinched and troubled when she says it but Tony sees the Hulk catching him as he falls from a wormhole behind his eyes. He tells her to let it go.

Bruce comes back after two weeks and doesn't talk to Tony much for a couple of days. He does visit the workshop after Tony gets the green couch replaced with a pleasant mauve. 

Tony plays the Harlem Shake song every time Bruce enters his workshop and strangely, Bruce seems to get this unreadable, understanding look on his face after the first few times. He doesn't run off to India.

He still drinks tea though. Tony doesn't like scotch much after some time.

***********

Thor doesn't visit the Tower for a long time but does send Tony a  _scroll_ asking about the well-being of his 'Midgardian brethren of warriors'. Tony photoshops the team's official merchandise, because  _that_ exists apparently, and sends Thor pictures of them all wearing Neo-Classical dresses.

He gets a middle-finger picture back, of a very female hand. He hacks into Jane Foster's official website and flashes I BRAIN A GOD on her homepage.

Pepper blames him for the thunderstorm in Manhattan for the entire week. He loves it.

**********

Things change in Tony's mind in the fifth month after they all moved in. It's because of Natasha.  _Of course_ it's because of Natasha, because all of Tony's life-changing things happen because of a woman.

They're hunting down some runaway Hydra scientists with seriously powerful toys in Mexico, because Hydra guys have no respect for hot summers. Natasha is the interrogation expert on the team, something even Tony agrees with, and is called to talk to the scumbags after a really tiring hunt. Steve and Tony are allowed to watch from outside the glass-barred room but Tony would bet cash money on Clint sneaking in through some hidden vent, because he had some strange concern when it came to the Black Widow.

Things are going really, torturously slow with the expected silent treatment from the prisoners and calm but dangerous questions from Natasha. Tony has half a mind to bring out a tablet and work on his latest SI project when it happens.

One second Natasha is talking fast in low, deadly Russian and the next second, the Hydra scum sneers something with confident cold eyes. Even as he watches, Tony sees the famed Black Widow, the epitome of manipulation and calm, draw a knife from her shoe and stab the guy in the heart.

Steve is rushing into the room before she can lean back from stabbing and Clint drops down from a side vent, both of them rushing to Natasha. Steve holds the prisoner and barks orders at Bruce on the comm to bring in immediate medical aid while Clint whispers fast and urgent into an incensed Natasha's ear, firmly holding her arm and angling his body in a way that he stands between the bleeding guy and the Widow.

Tony knows that he cannot do anything inside the room. He instead focuses on hacking into the security footage and feeding a virus into it, but not before saving a copy on his personal server.

Natasha calms down after a few minutes but even Tony catches the quick flash of a pale crumbling expression on her face before she schools her expression and lets Clint lead her out, probably to the Hellicarrier.

Fury yells at them later, when he asks about the missing footage. The Hydra guy is dead but Bruce made up a quick story about him dying because of a self-inflicted wound. Fury doesn't look the least bit convinced but chooses to harp on the footage.

Natasha looks stone-faced and cold when he looks over at her. Beside her Clint looks mutinous, terrible at hiding the faint tapping of his fingers against his wrist. Steve opens his mouth with some terrible excuse that only heightens Fury's doubt. 

Tony feels pathetic about the team's collective bullshitting ability.

"It was me," he says loudly and with a lazy drawl, widening his stance into something that Rogers would call absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful. Fury snaps his eyes to Tony and Tony studiously avoids the tiny flicker of Natasha's eyes in his direction. "I did it."

"Why?" Fury hisses through his teeth and Tony draws on every ounce of assholery in him, which is apparently a lot, before he smirks and looks at Fury with a raised eyebrow.

"I wanted to test a new virus," Tony shrugs one shoulder and watches a vein bulge in Fury's neck, "Got bored with the long ass questioning. We'd already got what we wanted but Capsicle and Red here wanted to drag it out. If you ask me, I saved a lot of time and energy."

Fury looks calculative for a minute before scoffing.

"And this is why you were not recommended, Stark. Absolutely no knowledge about working in a team."

"Aww, I love you too, pumpkin," Tony bats his eyes and notes Rogers closing his eyes in a resigned action. 

Tony gets benched for two weeks and Natasha doesn't say a word of thanks. Tony feels relieved that she didn't. He would have burst into hives if she had, especially with their history.

He does however watch the footage again and translates the Russian part into English.

_"Where is the sceptre? Which base?"_

_"Go fuck yourself, Spider."_

_"You either tell me now or I will drag it out of your broken bones and punctured lungs."_

_"We are not afraid of Ivan's little whores, Widow. Go try someone who is actually scared of your bark."_

_"You have one last chance to speak. Don't waste your life. Tell me and I will get your life spared. You can get back your life."_

_"And what would an empty vessel like you know about life, Romanova? All you will breed is death and emptiness. We, us and your pretty little Red Room, we breed life out of the womb of ingenuity, unlike your own snatched barren sack."_

Tony quietly deletes the video, making sure to burst it into atoms of codes that will never be retraced. He pours himself a glass of scotch with shaking hands and stares into the amber liquid for a minute as he relives Natasha's pale and broken expression. He throws the scotch down the sink.

"Well, fuck," he mutters to himself in the silence of the workshop and Jarvis thankfully doesn't comment. He has been breezing past time for the last five months with the Avengers and has tried convincing himself that they aren't his friends. But he cannot explain the quiet rage in his chest at the translation that rings through his head.

Tony always deals with emotional and personal problems with gifts. Really expensive gifts that sometimes cost more than a person earns in a year. He has never felt guilty about that but Pepper said that it doesn't exactly solve things.

Tony tends to avoid Pepper's wisdom when she gets deep and philosophical sometimes.

He has been shoving strange and mundane gifts at the Avengers for months now, in the guise of upgrades, new tech, equipment and gear. He had thought that would be enough to compensate for his screwy issues of actually making friends.

Now, looking at the mess in front of him, he recalls that his technique hasn't worked on any of them. Not really. Not at all.

He doesn't want to get all buddy-buddy with them. They're all moody, grown up people who have shitload of issues of their own. He had no interest in adopting them. But he also couldn't resist a challenge. A challenge in getting to know the Avengers better. Without actually asking or talking to them openly, of course.

He spends the entire night and the entire day after thinking about it. It strikes him in the middle of the third day's lunch and he almost kisses Dummy's claw in excitement at the discovery.

"Of course!" he crows and claps his hands once, "I can't  _talk_ to them. But I can do something else, right?"

Jarvis replies with his ominous silence but Tony is already on the way to the Avengers official mail-room in the basement. He spends three days in research, detailed research and planning, seven hours in perfecting the handwriting and half an hour in getting the name right.

"This is gonna work out perfectly!" he boasts to Jarvis as he picks up a  _piece of light yellow stationery--paper--_ and sits down to write.

 _Dear Ms. Romanoff_...

It takes him three hours, fourteen balled up failed attempts and two minor breakdowns to get all the five (the sixth one is a blank sheet because Tony WILL NOT write himself one) letters right. He pauses at the bottom of the letters and thinks again before signing.

_Your common-man friend,_

_Teddy C Nell_

He scans the letters through a handwriting check three times before being satisfied that nobody would identify it. Taking a deep breath, he goes back down and dumps them into the individual mails. 

"Hope for the best, J" he reminds his most trusted friend.

"For your sake, sir, I shall," the AI replied dryly and Tony chuckles before going back to his room and sleeping restlessly beside an already snoring Pepper.

*****

Little did Tony know that he had started the best and worst journey of his life with one name and five letters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name comes from 'T'ony 'Edward' (nickname Eddie) and Carbonell (Maria Stark's maiden name). The letters and reactions from the Avengers comes in the next chapter


	3. The First Six Months - The Birth Of Teddy (Part II)

Steve was a man of routine. Every Friday, when the week's mail was dumped in the basement, he would wait patiently for Jeremiah, the official mail-room in-charge, to come up and give him the sorted bunches of letters or any form of written communication. They were all scanned for poison, allergy inducing perfumes, pollen, metal and any form of hazard before it came up.

Of course, Steve knew that the main hazards lay in the words inside the letters and mails.

Freedom of speech and expression was a right Steve had always advocated for, right from the 30's. He had gotten into scores of long and passionate debates with anybody who would listen and Bucky had always warned that one day Steve would get into the worst kind of trouble thanks to his words.

Well, this new and improved world had neither Bucky nor anyone who would want to listen to Steve Rogers talk.

Steve didn't have any illusions about the ideals of the people that Captain America and Steve Rogers were one and the same. In superficial context, maybe they were. But in Steve's heart, that had once beat inside a body that didn't know how to continue living, he knew that there were a lot of things that the people never saw or would be interested in seeing. It was probably for the best, he thought detachedly as he placed the other four piles on the glass table in the living room, clear to notice when the other trickled in. Tony's mail, if he ever got any in paper, was always directly sent up to the penthouse and Steve for one was glad about it.

The 21st century was rash, loud and a piping hot mess at most times, all of which described Tony. Steve would really not want to imagine the kind of mail he received, if any new formed 'Avengers fans' did send it in.

"Morning, Cap," Bruce murmured when he came down for his morning ritualistic cup of tea. Steve looked up from his pile of letters and nodded with a polite smile at the man.

"Good morning, Bruce," he gestured to the neatly sorted piles on the table before him, "Mail's here. Pick 'em up when you leave?"

"Oh" Bruce blinked and looked slightly uncomfortable for a minute before nodding slowly and going back to his tea. Steve returned his attention to his own mail, leaving the man to his devices.

He was through a letter that offered a marriage proposal and some incredibly impossible sounding sexual favors from some fervent teen-sounding fan when he heard Natasha and Clint wander in.

"Mail's here," he informed without looking up from the letter he was reading.

"Ugh" Clint grunted and Natasha hummed in response, signaling that they would pick it up and shred through them when they were done with their breakfast. Clint got the second most vitriolic fan letters usually, coming only slightly behind Tony, while Bruce surprisingly came third in that order. Natasha undoubtedly got the most insulting, inane, indecent and sexist letters which she later would use to make fire-fodder for marshmallows on the roof.

Steve scrunched his nose slightly at the second last letter, written in horrible glitter ink, before eyeing the last letter- a plain and off-white stationery. Steeling himself for another rant of overrated fame or embarrassing questions, he picked it up and carefully unfolded the sheet.

_Captain Rogers,_

_Did you catch the last Dodgers match? They played the Star Spangled Man during the break. As much as the thought was unique, I think they got your shield wrong in the art they flashed on the screen. Wrong circle of white._

Steve blinked and frowned, reading the sentence again curiously. He felt an unbidden tension seep out from his shoulders when he found that it wasn't about him or his missions or his past heroics. It -- the writer was talking about baseball. Steve paused there and pulled out his phone from his pocket, typing in a few key words in the search engine and yep -

 

"Huh, wrong circle," Steve commented quietly with a small quirk of his lips before putting his phone back and continuing the letter.

 

It was…different. Nowhere in the short prose was there any overt praise or criticism of Captain America. In fact, it was written in a way that made Steve wonder if the writer even acknowledged that he was Captain America. His eyebrows raised over the lines that spoke about the bike Steve rode, citing a comparison with the writer's own old bike that apparently had been modified by the writer's friend, talking about some seriously interesting ideas. Steve couldn't suppress the small chuckle when he read the bemoaning of the new Rocky Horror Show adaption and part asking Steve's opinion on the 'seriously gloomy uniforms' of the muses in the latest art collection in the Met.

 

Steve felt himself reading the letter easily as the words never touched upon any fan-worship or creepily stalking. It was breezy, amusing, reminiscent and casual - like some friend had written it to Steve, not to Captain America.

 

"Teddy C Nell," Steve read the name at the bottom with a thoughtful soft grin.

"Who's that?" Natasha asked and Steve looked up to see her looking at him curiously, "The letter, who is it from? Someone you know?"

"No," Steve shook his head and carefully folded the letter back before pocketing it, "Just some nice…person."

"Nice?" Clint asked with a raised eyebrow and Steve felt a little conscious with all the attention on him now.

"Different from the usual," Steve offered and met Natasha's scrutinizing stare before she nodded and looked away.

 

Steve didn't think about the letter till the end of the day, but as he was about to get into bed, he felt an impulse to respond. It had been a nice letter, something that had made Steve feel better and even if Teddy hadn't mentioned the need for a response, Steve thought it good manners to do so anyway.

 

Pulling up a leaf of official stationery, he unscrewed his pen and rolled it between his fingers for a minute, thinking about the words he could choose. Finally, after fifteen minutes of thought, Steve placed the pen to paper and began forming a reply.

 

_Dear Mr. Nell…_

 

After fifteen more minutes of filtering his words a bit, he read his response and felt a bit satisfied. Placing the letter on his study table, Steve went to sleep that night, intending to send the letter the next morning.

 

He doesn't expect a reply the next Friday. He gets one anyways and it starts with _Hey Steve_. Steve doesn't know why, but he comes to like Friday the best of all the days.

********

Clint burns his mail on sight usually. He neatly arranges the horde of junk in one corner on the roof and shoots a flaming arrow at the horde calmly before watching them burn. It's therapeutic, he had told Nat once when she had caught him do it. He knows that Natasha sees through his bluff but he also knows that she isn't going to snitch about it to either Nick or his SHIELD therapist.

Whose son-in-law had been one of the agents Clint had killed under Loki's influence. Clint didn't know if SHIELD was punishing the doctor or the archer himself. He didn't really care too much though; all he had to do was stay quiet and answer the small yes or no questions thrown in between the long therapy hours. That way both Dr. Morton and Clint could avoid insulting each other's intelligence about their situation.

In a nutshell, therapy was doing squat for him but Clint was an ace at faking and had learnt a long time ago to bluff his way through SHIELD psych evals. What he hadn't learnt was to respond to letters that either called him a hero or shoved a picture of a dead guy in his face, calling him a killer.

He preferred ashes to smoky lies. Nat had once told him to at least sort through his mail and keep the souvenirs for her. She had a quirk about collecting junk. Clint owed her a lot for getting Loki out of his head, so he complied.

That was the only reason he had gotten the pendant. A small, sleek, golden arrow with six fletchlings beautifully split in the end. 

The first thought in Clint's head was that it was laced with poison. He pricked his finger with it to test it out because he rarely cared about his life much. Nothing happened and he also got Jarvis to confirm that it was indeed a simple pendant. Clint saw the small yellow stationary it was inserted in and was torn between breaking his rule and throwing both he things in the pyre. 

He figured that if it was a really romantic fan, he might get a laugh and opened the letter.

_Mr. Barton,_

_Honestly, I don't know if you're a straight-shooter, because you seem like an interesting guy and most interesting people I know aren't. That sucks because it's about a whole bunch of puns I'm wasting, but I guess that's okay. I mean, you use a Stone Age weapon and still manage to hold your own against a hammer wielding dude, so you're cool in my book. You kinda, maybe saved my neck on the street and I owe you an arrow. I don't keep debts. So here it is. Try not to use it as a tooth-prick, it's kinda sharp._

_Kudos for not letting me become headless,_

_Teddy C Nell_

_P.S: Dude, is your name seriously Clinton Barton, because can I offer a really good therapist for that kind of trauma? How do you manage it? As a Teddy-Bear victim, I can share tips to survive this life._

Clint blinked at the ending and considered the pyre in front of him. He could do it, he thought casually, it wasn't as though this was some sort of historically significant letter. It probably didn't even make sense in many ways.

He didn't realize that he was smirking till he left the roof with the letter and the arrow in his pocket. 

"Asshole," he muttered to himself with a small chuckle and realized that this was the first time somebody hadn't tiptoed around him. Even if it was just in a letter. Clint was horrible with emotions but he was great at being an ass.

He dropped the pendant in Nat's room and she quirked an eyebrow but he simply shrugged in reply, saying that she could now relieve him of her obligatory birthday gift contract. 

He didn't consider replying to the letter till the next week, when he simply tore a page of a diary and scribbled a couple of words on them before dumping it into the basket Steve usually kept for the mail-room to collect.

He didn't stop burning his mails but he didn't also mind finding another person to be an asshole to. It was better than being an ass to a therapist whose daughter you had widowed.

******************

Bruce usually never got mails. The biggest reason for this was that most of the mails he got were either poisoned goodies, acid-laced letters or something equally creative. Bruce didn't mind. He knew what he was and what people saw him. It didn't matter if Tony Stark or Nick Fury called him a genius and an asset to the team, he was still a monster when he changed colors. 

In short, Bruce really didn't get mail. Not unless it was some crayoned drawing that reminded him sharply of the kids in Calcutta he could be helping instead of playing muscle to a bunch of superheroes who already had a God in that aspect.

So when he found a simple, neat letter in his name, he had it scanned through his lab's machines. There was a prank involved here, he was sure.

When the scans came negative, he put the letter in a corner and avoided it like the plague for an entire day. Tony, who came into his lab that day, didn't even notice it lying on a corner table, but Tony didn't usually notice anything that was related to paper.

The second day, Bruce hesitantly took it in his hands and considered it in the morning. He considered it after lunch and once again, before dinner.

Finally, right before going to bed, he decided to get it over with and opened the envelope to take out the single sheet of paper.

_Dr. Banner,_

_In a real collider experiment e.g. LHC / LEP how can one reconstruct the energy and momentum of the resultant qq¯qq¯ pair produced from the process e+e−→qq¯e+e−→qq¯?_

_Specifically, how can we relate the kinematic variables before ( qq¯qq¯) and after hadronisation (observed jets)? _

_Sorry, my brother is a nerd and I tried him but he dutifully shut the door on my face. I guess that's a universal code of brotherhood? Anyway, I'd like to know if you could explain it? I'd offer tuition fee in candy too, in case your wondering._

_Thanks in advance,_

_Teddy C Nell_

_P.S: Have you ever listened to opera? I heard that great scientists de-stress with that and a power nap. Is that true? Quora would thank you for this answer._

 

Bruce opened his mouth and shut it, pushing his glasses up to read it again. It was a letter for...him. Not for Hulk. For him. For Bruce Banner. 

Years ago, when he had been contemplating a break from his work, Bruce had considered the thought of teaching at his old university. For a change. Betty had called him an old man teasingly when he had confided one night but had told him that he would make a good one if he tried.

He put the letter on his bedside table and went to sleep that night, letting the thought linger in the corner of his mind. It was nice being asked to solve simple problems, those he could talk about without bringing in the Other Guy. He didn't know who this Teddy was or why he thought Bruce would answer but he was tempted for sure. It was fun, in a small way, to try and break down good old science for someone willing to learn.

He almost wrote an entire essay on the question and looked sheepish when he dropped it off at the common mail basket a couple of days later. He chuckled to himself over the line he had mentioned about expecting mint chocolates as payment. It was a lame attempt at humor but Bruce didn't care much. He didn't know this guy, probably would never meet him. It was okay to poke humor with someone you didn't have to face.

If Steve caught him smiling into his tea the next Friday, a packet of mint chocolate next to him, Bruce didn't mind shrugging and offering Steve a small smile too. 

************

Thor had probably the largest mail collection and he made it a point to take pictures and send the interesting ones to Jane. After the first hundred spammed her inbox, Jane diverted him to send it to Darcy instead, who took it in easily and offered the best commentary on the truly embarrassing ones.

"Oh God!" Darcy laughed as she read the latest one Thor had sent, her eyes looking up at the screen where Thor's video call was still on, "Thor, it really is...unexpected. Kinda strange but makes sense too. Who sent this, again?"

Thor beamed and Darcy watched as he looked back at the letter to read the name.

"A Mr. Teddy C Nell," he announced and looked back at her with a joyous expression, "Is it not the most exquisite poetry, Darcy? I shall endeavor to send this to Mother and Father as well."

"Yeah, try not to do that maybe," Darcy winced a bit, "it's kind of depressing in a subtle way, right? The poem?"

"I disagree," Thor frowned confused, "It is the beautiful truth that I have been wondering about myself. It explains so much, doesn't it?"

"About?" Darcy frowned, thinking what in the world  _[The Simple Truth](http://thepoeticquotidian.blogspot.in/2006/11/philip-levine-simple-truth.html)_ by  _Philip Levine_ could possibly explain to a God of Thunder.

"Life," Thor answered before looking a bit sober, "Loki. Him and me. His idea of having everything and yet not."

Darcy looks pensive for a moment before brightening up and changing the topic to something else. Thor is easy to divert sometimes and she is glad this is one of those. The letter remains in both their minds though.

_Mr. Odinson,_

_Is there a proper title for a God prince? I tried to check it out on the internet but I'm guessing that we've still not updated our Asgardian dictionaries. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that the meteorology department of this country usually has a really hard time predicting when you hit, so maybe you could help us build a code to contact when we'd like a little bit of warning before a thunderstorm? It's cool though, being a prince must be tough work and busy._

_I'm not sure if this makes all that sense but...anyway, I wanted you to know that I know a few things about conflicted family relationships. It wasn't always rainbows and puppies at home, but we still managed to not tear the roof apart. Don't get me wrong, your brother is a not-so-good guy for wrecking the city but I think I get your situation of liking your brother and still not liking him. It sucks and I've got it on good authority that there's literally no advice that can help you get through it easily. It sucks, I know, but I think we'll get over it. My mother once said that our past doesn't define us. I think it does. If we cannot learn from the past, then what defines us is our ignorance. You're a good guy from what I've seen of your bravery and courage in saving a place you probably owe nothing to. I'm sure you'll figure something out. In case you don't, always try Reddit. They don't solve your problems but man, the entertainment fodder is hilarious enough to last for hours._

_A fan of capes,_

_Teddy C Nell_

_P.S: There's a poem I read a couple of days back. Let me know if you like it? Consider it a taste of Earth's poetry._

The poem had been attached to another sheet. Darcy hated it. Thor loved it. Jane took one look at it and told Thor to never send it to his parents.

Thor wasn't going to anyway, but he did keep the letter safe in his trunk. He also asked Bruce about the way a letter is usually replied to in Midgard and got an unreadable expression in return before the doctor explained it.

Thor was extremely happy when he got another letter from Teddy the next week, recommending more poetry. People usually never recommended reading to Thor. He liked it.

He added Teddy's name to his small list of Midgardian friends.

********

Natasha ripped the letter into two when the first line had a Russian greeting. 

She considered throwing it into an incinerator but that was when Clint came in and dropped a pendant with her. An arrow. A beautiful, gold, sleek arrow. He didn't say where he got it but Natasha knew from routine that he must have gotten it from the mail.

She wondered who would be so decent to Clint, after almost three months of getting hate mail and stupid Avengers merchandise for autographs.

She considers a possible romantically inclined fan but promptly drops it. This wasn't a romantic gift by the looks. It was just a straight-laced arrow. It looked nothing like the ones Clint usually used, instead looking like an ancient model.

She didn't get around to throwing her own letter that day and instead left it in her drawer.

It was only after the third day that she got around to realizing that every person in the Tower had gotten a letter of the same stationary. It put her on the edge and made her instantly suspicious. She questioned Thor about it, because he was the easiest to get information from. She read through his letter thrice; first with disbelief at the insanity, second with caution at the actual understanding and third with a strange sense of amusement because nobody had seemed to explain Thor's situation better than this letter's writer. Also, Thor was distinctly more calm and relaxed, regaling the wonders of modern Midgardian poetry and Natasha almost choked on air when she saw that he was reading  _Having A Coke With You_. It made some sense though, because Thor liked exploring and this was a rather tame way of letting him do it. 

She didn't get around to asking Bruce but she did break into Clint's room and read his letter. It made her smile in a strange way, seeing how this unknown person had managed not to offend but also not patronize Clint. Steve was relatively difficult but she was mildly surprised when she found the discarded letter attempts from the Captain in reply to his letter. She figured that he must not have found it suspicious or offensive, which was a big plus when it came to Steve.

Finally, after the fourth day, she picked up the torn bits of her letter and pieced them together on her bed. 

_Dear Ms. Romanoff,_

_ Здравствуй! Okay, honestly, that was Google translate and if it's wrong then you could blame the poor quality of American software. I tried to find a couple of Asgardian words for Thor but that failed, so I thought I could use something for you. If I failed here too, could you please put that into the account that I was trying to find one bright point in a wasted hour? I hope you do. _

_ I just wanted to extend a big thank you to you for saving New York. I get it, it was a team effort and all the other guys are heroes in their own calibre, but I'm pretty sure that none of them were the ones to actually shut the portal. One of my friends says that it's a girl thing, the brains to think most logically in a stressful thing. I usually defer to her and what you did kind of proved it true. We should really have some boot-leg toys made for you because I visited the stores yesterday and got my set, but it's incomplete. You can't have an Avengers set without all the Avengers. You should kick some asses if they refuse. It usually works on me when my girls try it. _

_ Good luck! _

_ Teddy C Nell _

Natasha read it again and smirked at the toys part. It was one of the things she had ignored when the line came out but even she knew where blatant sexism lay. She still didn't like the idea of entertaining fans but she couldn't resist writing a quick note telling the person to try the stores again in a month.

It wasn't like she didn't want to pick a fight with sexist assholes anyway.

***********

Tony stared at his mail bunch for a good ten minutes. He had managed to sneak down and get the mail reserved for Teddy C Nell finally. Whatever he had expected, it certainly wasn't this.

_Dear Mr. Nell,_

_Thank you for pointing out the mistake of the shield projection. I did miss the game due to an unforeseen engagement but I managed to catch up with it after your letter. You're right about the boys slacking off mid-game. I found the performance of Cordon particularly disappointing. Do you think he'll play in the next game? I hear that Coach Ed is pretty darn tough, but I'm not sure he'll be anything close to Reggie. He was a coach back in the 40's. I am a big fan of his. Who's your favorite in the current team?_

_Do let me know how you liked the game this Sunday. I hate the Yankees but I'm pretty sure you do too (or at least I hope you do). I am also following a little bit of hockey now. Do you follow it too? I would be interested to discuss a few things about that if you are interested. Hope you stay well._

_Sincerely,_

_Cpt. Steven Rogers_

_P.S: If I should address you as Teddy, I would expect you to return the favor and call me Steve. Also, you are right. The sky of New York is as boring as it was in the 40's. I like it though._

_-_

_Hey man, I'm the most interesting person I know. Kinda proves the whole straight-arrow whatever I guess. Also, call me Clinton again. I dare you Teddy-Bear._

_-_

__

_Hadronization still doesn't break conservation of energy and momentum. So getting the total energy, or the total momentum, of the quark-antiquark pair is easy: just add up the total energy and momentum of all the reaction products._

_To get the individual energy or momentum of one particle, i.e. just the quark (or antiquark), we rely on the fact that they come out of the detector in opposite directions. That means it's easy to separate the outgoing particles into two clusters: one came from the quark and one came from the antiquark. You can then add up the energies and momenta within each jet to find the momentum of the quark or antiquark that produced it..._

Tony has to take a break from Bruce's letter/essay because honestly, he swings between being insulted that he has to read through something he knows and bewildered that Bruce actually took the time to write such a long essay. He decides to keep the pages down and goes straight to the last part of the letter.

_I would like mint chocolates as payment._

-

_Dear friend Teddy,_

_I am most happy that you understand my situation with Loki. It is not often that I hear that in a city he destroyed. I truly enjoyed your poetry and would be most excited to read more of Midgard's glorious literature. May I recommend some Asgardian prose in return?_

_I am saddened that you too have faced difficulties in your family, Teddy. it is a most grievous wound on the soul, is it not? I shall hope that you find peace too as you have wished me. You are a truly good friend for writing so. I have told my Jane about this and she seems pleased that I have found a friend as you. You may call me Thor, since my friends do so._

_I would like to invite you to a feast at our home some day, if you are willing. Do you like boar?_

_Your friend,_

_Thor Odinson_

_-_

_Glad somebody kicks your ass. You might need it. Check out the stores next month. You won't be disappointed._

_Also, don't use Google translate. Ever._

_-_

Tony has to actually breathe in and out deeply for fifteen minutes after that. This, he never expected them to reply. All of them. 

And yet he had five letters in his hand.

Tony knew, he instinctively knew that he was inviting trouble if he pushed it and replied again. Once was a stroke of luck. A second time? If Steve or Natasha caught him, he would be skewered or worse, made to go through SHIELD sanity tests. If  _Pepper_ found out, he would have to go through paperwork torture like nothing before.

But he had five letters in his hand. Five responses to his stupid idea. Five chances of knowing the people who lived with him and whom he couldn't really become friends with as Tony Stark.

In the end, it wasn't really much of a decision.

He had to stop laughing after half an hour before he began writing Steve's letter.

_Hey Steve_.

Jarvis was unnaturally quiet for the whole duration of his replies. Dum-E was preparing the fire-extinguisher for when the explosion was going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flicked the Physics question from a forum because I am terribly bad at that. Please leave your feedback? <3


	4. The Stark Conundrum And Teddy's Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month of letter exchanges later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank all the lovely people who have been such an encouragement to continue this fic <3 Your comments make my day :D

"Did he seriously giving me a lecture on how I should handle my sex life?" Tony mutters furiously as he viciously swirls another set of relays away from the mainframe of the blueprint floating in front of him, "I mean, how ironic can it be to get schooled on safe sex by a virginal Capsicle. He's basically a none at sex. A none, geddit J?"

"Eloquence of the highest form if you were a mammalian creature of the sea, sir," Jarvis replies dead-panned at the stupid pun, "Energy core design bifurcated."

"I mean, okay, I get it that he has trouble visualizing why people have sex other than to throw out spawns into an over-populated world," Tony waved his hand vaguely before frowning at a set of numbers and scattering them away dismissively, "but instead of learning or even letting it go because people aren't prodding into  _his non-existent life_ , he has the absolute gall to tell me to 'keep it in my pants'? What does he think he is? I  _won't_ keep it in my pants! I will keep it in my boxers! I will keep it in my thongs! Wherever I want!"

"Business as usual then," the AI quipped dryly and Tony snapped his fingers in agreement, "Sir, might I ask why you care? You know that it was in your past and that Captain Rogers has...qualms about discussing sexual encounters and creativity in them. Why then does it matter so much to you?"

"Because he's Steve," Tony said as explanation because this was Jarvis and Jarvis helped him in his shenanigans and that made them bros more than genius AI and genius human, "and he's okay with Natasha buying vibrators and getting the courier for her. He's okay with Thor discussing communal masturbation in Asgardian pubs, which might I just declare is  _awesome_. He's okay with Clint's...everything and even Bruce's weird rituals. But me? As soon as it comes to me, he's a prickly porcupine. I don't get it, J, my calculations do not answer me!"

"Of course, sir, because everybody else suggested on live national television that Captain America could learn some bedroom secrets from you anytime he wanted," Jarvis pointed out glibly and Tony grinned at that because that had been the  _best_ answer possible to a stupid question like 'And what do you think Captain America could learn from Iron Man?'. 

"Whatever, J," he said and stretched his arms as the rest of the calibrations computed on their own, "I'm gonna go take a break now."

"May I suggest some sustenance in that case?"

"Sure, you may," Tony said cheerfully in the tone that said that Jarvis would be insulted by non-compliance in case of that suggestion. He rolled his chair away from the cluttered work table and reeled himself towards the cleaner table to his right. His hand reached below the metal surface, unerringly finding the spot for the secret button. One press and the layer of steel below clicked open, dragging forward to reveal his secret stash.

Tony really never thought that he would ever call stationary as his 'secret stash' but well, stranger times had been seen.

He loves this time, the moments he gets to change personalities and wear a mask, a new face. It has been a month and already Tony feels the thrill of it addictive, the thought of transforming into Teddy C Nell making him happier than being Tony Stark. He thinks back to words an old therapist had thrown around once, words like  _personality disorder_ and  _repressed trauma_ which apparently force him into a mould of rebellion but Tony likes to negate stereotypes because the whole irony of a rebellion in a mould is just too tempting to not mock. He is never forced, that is one thing Tony knows of himself. He just cannot be forced to do something, not unless it's waiting grudgingly for Pepper or Rhodey to take his call over whatever 'important' work they're on. So he knows that this whole new charade isn't forced. It's more of a thrill seeking game.  _His_ game. 

"Okay, when I say it like that it almost makes me Nick Fury," Tony mumbled and shuddered dramatically at the thought before shaking it off in favor of starting his letter.

_Hey Steve,_

_Today sucks._

Tony thought hard about the next words. He wanted to explain the problem without letting anything out.

 _I hurt someone special_ (Ha! Everything special about Steve...and okay, that quote was going to bite him in the ass soon maybe) . _It's like, every time I'm with them, I end up doing the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. I try to be nice and I very eloquently screw things up. Is there some sort of cure for that? Foot in the mouth disease? Do your fancy Tower people know anything about it?_

_Anyhow, that's my problem I guess. It's okay. What's not okay is you finding lolcats interesting. Really Steve, if that's the pinnacle of interesting things the 21st century is offering you till now, it's painfully clear that you haven't seen anything yet. Please, don't let such a tragedy fall onto the shoulders of this generation. We shall never be forgiven._

_If you'd like some suggestions from a friend, there's a beginner's list you could take up. Just to ease yourself. Ask Clint about it, we've been discussing it in the last letter. But beware, if he mentions anything that sounds like DDR, take out your shield and jump out the window. I'm serious, he will cause utmost grief if you fall for his falsehood about DDR._

_Coming to your little sleeping problem, have you considered talking to Bruce about it? I'm not sure about it but I think maybe someone who has more experience in nightmares might help you put a new spin on the way you're seeing this? Try it if everything else fails, I know there will be more proven methods someone better will suggest._

_Steve, I'm not the world's expert on nightmares or the past but there is some truth to the thought that time isn't stagnant. The world spins on its axis every day, ever passing second. If it were to reverse or stop or slow down, the events of yesterday would not change. Not unless there's a time-machine one of the science guys you know has come up with. Wouldn't put it past Mr. Stark._  (This might have been the whole personality disorder part that the therapist had mentioned, Tony thought)  _I guess what I'm coming around to is that there's a lot you can try and hope to live through the past. Sometimes it is great and inspiring. But most of the times, it's wasting a chance you have in the present. Sorry if that's a little too intrusive but I'm sure you'll understand._

_I'm not great at advice, as you've probably understood by now in this letter. But I do know one thing that one of my oldest friends taught me a long time back - Live the way you want to, but live it right now. Make what you will out of it, because I'm pretty sure I misinterpreted it to suit my needs._

_If all this fails, take the motto of a smart fish who always found her way back home - Just keep swimming._

_Stay safe, Steve._

_Your pal,_

_Teddy_

He knows how much of a hypocrite he is and that maybe assuages him in this whole disaster he's brewing. The first step is always being aware of the problem, right? Well, Tony is there. So what if he has been stuck on Step 1 through almost thirty years of his life?

He shrugs the thought away and settles down to answer Clint's letter next because it's a tad more simple and yet complex - a compound that makes Tony feel better about his own mess.

The trouble is that he hasn't  _read_ Clint's letter yet, so he reaches into the drawer again and brings up the rough edged single piece of four-cupped paper. Opening it with less finesse than Pepper, he smooths over the edges till he can read the couple of sentences written.

And promptly drops the paper back into the drawer, locking it , barking codes at Jarvis to look for Clint and lock out roof doors.

_This is stupid, this whole team thing. Not gonna happen. I think I'm gonna die. Yup, I think I'll do that._

Tony has known enough jokes and casual gallows humor in his life to distinguish between those who say it for fun and those who mean it. Clint Barton is usually the former type of guy but Tony  _lives_ with him and now that he thinks back to the constant stream of such quips, he knows that they aren't all that light in nature.

He's known that Bruce is a bit similar when it comes to casually dwelling on the probability of the Hulk resisting cyanide and Natasha sometimes looking between her knives and her wrists but he is sure that both of them aren't as far gone as Clint. Maybe. He hopes so.

He lets himself have a moment of weakness then, dropping his head into his hands and taking a deep breath. It was easier, so much easier when all he had to deal with was his own self-sacrificing tendencies. Alcohol running in his veins, palladium in his heart, that sort of thing. Now he has a lonely scientist with an angry buddy inside him, a Russian defect with a locked mind and razor-sharp mind, a conflicted soldier with god-knows-what amount of issues, a flitting God with daddy and brother issues, and most of all a suicidal but brilliantly deceiving archer with a mind-fucked imprint. Even as he thought about it, he knew that Tony Stark was not equipped to handle this. Tony Stark was not emotionally available to these people. 

But Teddy could be.

He could think about how fucked up that is but instead he breathes in again and opens the drawer back. Picking up a new leaf of yellow sheet, he settles down to write something he never would have written to anyone. But he writes because he knows how trade-offs work and what Clint will need to trust him.

_I've tried that before. The whole dying thing. Not as great as people make it out to be. All that's left is scars, and ugly ones at that._

He has to breathe in again at that, at the reminder of a time he doesn't think of anymore and bites back the urge to rub at his wrist. He chooses the next words carefully.

 _It's not always all about you, you know? At least that's what the movies and the books tell the assholes, but I think in this case it's actually true. Your whole 'team thing' is not on you. They can work without you, yes, but if you're leaving them dry just because you don't trust them to work then maybe it's because you're not trying yourself. I did that too, with my team of colleagues_ (He is going to hell and he doesn't even care) _. Turned out that it wasn't them I didn't trust, it was me. Pretty deep shtick if you think about it but in the end, all I needed was that to get back up._

 _Look, I really can't do much to stop you if you're gonna do what you're gonna do. I'm not some superhero who can fly up there and heroically stop you from being stupid_ (Oh God, this is like the Mt. Everest of lying and Tony doesn't hesitate).  _If you want to die, you're gonna do it no matter what anybody says. So I'm not trying to pull you back from some ledge. But I can tell you this - you dying is not going to bring back those who died because of you. You living though? That might just save some poor sucker like me when we need unerring arrows. Try that one for probability._

_If you're still alive next week, let me know what you think about making a list of things that Steve would need to get acclimatized to the brand new world._

_Teddy._

After that, answering Natasha, Bruce and Thor's letters are like cake-walk. At least he doesn't have to risk any lives in them.

************

"What's got your panties in a twist?" Tony asks airily and raises an eyebrow when he sees Natasha raise her knife mid-chopping, in a clear move of threat, "Okay, Asparagus Murderer, boxers, let's go with boxers shall we? What's got your 'boxers' in a twist?"

"You've really got a death wish, Stark," Clint drawls casually from the counter top where he's perched with a carrot dangling from his hand. Tony has to physically bite his cheek from letting a Bugs Bunny quip come out but his eyes catch Clint's and the archer smirks, consciously taking a bite off the carrot and mimicking the old cartoon pose.

"What? Something funny?" the challenge is clear in the archer's eyes even though a smirk plays on his lips and Tony thanks himself for knowing about Clint's baiting tendencies by now.

"Nah, just wondering why our Widow is mourning," he says glibly and ignores the annoyed look Steve shoots him from across the room, sitting primly at the table with a real newspaper in hand.

"Would you believe me if I said this is in advance for your death?" Natasha asks mock-innocently and Tony is reminded of how easily she can fool someone when the mock-innocence looks too real. He opts for an arrogant shrug and gambles a death move when he snags a piece of vegetable she has been chopping for breakfast. He had expected the knife but his reflexes were a tad too slow and there went another injury to his fingers.

"Romanoff! Goddammit, Stark!" Steve chides them as he trudges over like a petulant kid with a class monitor badge, coming up beside Tony and looking over at his nicked fingers, "What is wrong with you people? Stark, stop baiting people for once, and Natasha, ..."

Natasha glares at Steve, her special brand of glare that promises pain of death and even Steve values his man-bits so he turns to the other member in the room because he's a lazy ass himself, no matter what the public had heard.

"Clint, first aid," he barks and Tony watches Clint spit out a French expletive that apparently Steve understands and chooses to ignore. The archer complies nonetheless and Tony has to quell the urge to try ' _stop, sit, fetch_ ' because he's here for a reason and he has to stay here to complete that reason. Instead he makes a show of bitching about threats and suing people and throwing the Avengers out in fear of mortal danger.

He knows Natasha doesn't believe him but he's secretly glad seeing her slowly crack enough from her frigid demeanor, enough to roll her eyes and push Steve out of the way by the time Clint comes back with the kit.

"You, needles and me," Tony murmurs because he can, "Baby, that's an old disaster that shouldn't happen again."

"You, cotton and your mouth. Baby, that's a new disaster I can make happen," Natasha quips and Tony cannot find it in him to stay mad, not when he finally sees the ice melt in her eyes and sees the fire come back on. He knows that Clint knows about her 'chopping coping' mechanism but Tony has had endless such mechanisms to know that it doesn't work. A few nicks to his priceless fingers don't hurt all that much in the face of an actual victory.

"T-Mail!" Thor booms from the entrance of the floor and Ton actually jerks back, hissing when Natasha presses the antiseptic at the same moment. The Norse prince is waving a bag with  _Stark Mail_ printed across it and Tony has just a second to quickly note as Steve almost melts from  _Captain America: Protector of the sticks in the ass_ to the kid from Brooklyn he claims to be. Tony files that away for later and resolutely does not look at Clint when the guy slinks off the counter in a move he thinks is casual before he strolls towards Thor. 

"T-Mail?" he asks sardonically and Natasha stills in her nursing but recovers enough to continue.

"Teddy C Nell," she says in answer and drops it but Tony's heart actually sped up at hearing the name out loud from somebody else. He almost wanted to gloat when Clint comes back and tosses Natasha her letter. Natasha shoots him a glare from under her lashes but then quickly re-focuses on finishing up her little Ms. Nurse routine.

"Soooo...stalker? Boyfriend? Secret booty call?" Tony asks as he firmly plops himself onto one of the high-chairs nearby, casting a lazy eye around at Natasha before trailing to look at the others who hold their own letters.

"You don't get it?" Steve asks suddenly and Tony had been waiting for this moment, he had come down here for this moment.

"Get what?" he asks with a frown and meets Natasha's eyes head-on, knowing that if he looked away she would easily catch on to his lies.

"Fan-mail. From the guy. Teddy." Clint quips between pocketing his own letter and chewing his carrot.

Tony goes for his kill in that minute. 

"Wait, you guys actually read them? The fan-mail and stuff? On paper?" he asks incredulously and sees Steve still, turning towards him with a small frown.

"You don't?"

"Uh, sorry, you do realize that I literally don't even read SHIELD memos, right?" Tony asks in reply slowly, purposefully mocking before snorting, "Seriously, didn't anybody tell you guys about the brilliance of signature stamps? You upload a signature onto a system and it replicates it onto whatever you want to sign. Or autograph, if you wanna be specific."

"You send back your fan-mail with autographs?" Steve asks in a pained voice and Tony makes it a point to look back at Natasha, because she is the one he has to convince here.

"He's for real, right?" he asks with a laugh and Natasha's eyes are still narrowed calculatingly, "Rogers, sitting and replying to fan-mail? That's the biggest waste of time for any celebrity. Everybody knows that. Okay, maybe sometimes Pepper makes me physically sign some crayon drawings, but letters and stuff? That's torture, Capsicle, sheer torture."

"So you don't read them at all?" Natasha asks quietly, still assessing and Tony mentally thanks his preparedness for this one.

"I would if I actually got them maybe," he shrugs, "Should definitely be better reading material than Vanity Fair. But no, Pepper gets them usually or if the bulk is too large, Jarvis scans them, sign-stamps them and whoosh, they're sent back. Clean and simple."

"Spoken like the real rich boy," Clint snorts and Tony leers at him in reply before turning back around to face Steve.

"But seriously, you guys keep in touch with this one person regularly?"

"Yes. He's...a friend."

"Well, that's new," Tony quips back at Steve who raises an eyebrow, "Isn't it slow though? The whole letter system? What, the guy doesn't have a number you can call or something?"

At the silence he receives, he knows he's got them by the hooks. He stares at everyone slowly before asking Natasha.

"You  _do_ have him number, right? Wait, you  _do_ know this guy, right?"

"He's not--he's just a friend," Steve answers from behind but Natasha looks at Tony speculatively like she is internally cursing herself. Good, Tony thinks to himself, that'll get me somewhere.

"I'll do a check on it," she says finally and Tony has to stop himself from saying  _Bingo._

"Right, where, on SHIELD's network?" he asks with a raised eyebrow, "When Fury finds out that you guys are making friends with anonymous stalkers, he's gonna be really happy, right? Not to mention that you've already established contact with this guy who, for all we know, could turn out to be the next master-villain. Wow, Romanoff, brilliant spy work!"

Natasha looks seconds away from either stabbing him or the letter in front of her when Tony continues.

"Okay, listen, I know that you guys have some really strange thing about my tech but underneath all that you have to admit that it's the best. So lets just scan up on this..Teddy whoever here and find out once and for all. And then, if he turns out clean, maybe stop leaving an obvious chain of evidence for anyone to intercept and get his number to chat up. Don't call, because I don't have to warn you about voice recognition and things people can do with it. No, Rogers, stop getting all prissy you don't know half of the things people with tech knowledge can get from your voice. Keep it to texting or chatting or whatever. For now, alright?"

He doesn't wait for anybody's approval and snags Natasha's letter off the table, holding it up for a scan.

"J, pick up this address and get me all the details would you?"

 **This**. This is the moment Tony had carefully crafted ever since last Friday. Ever since Clint's fucking letter, because goddammit he could only do a week of subtle overseeing of the crazy guy, locking roofs, spying of his bedroom, keeping Jarvis on alert at all times. He needs faster communication. He needs to be able to answer them quicker. If that involves lying some more, Tony really does not care, because he's already dug his grave. No point in lamenting on its depth now.

The address was tricky but Tony had learnt a couple of tricks from Obadiah when the bastard had been alive. It's an old flat in DC, one the old fart had bought for many of his 'late nights' in town. Tony was just grateful that it was his money that got it and he was able to hack into some files to change the name over to a Teddy C Nell. 

Jarvis complies with the scan and after a few minutes, drops the brilliantly sketched details of Teddy on a holographic screen. There's no picture to accompany but Tony is counting on Steve for that.

"Huh, that's pretty okay," he comments as the address flashes and he throws a casual look at Natasha before asking, "You want his bio and folio?"

"No" Steve answers before Natasha can open her mouth and Tony quirks an eyebrow at him, "No. We've already infringed on his privacy and it isn't like he's actually asked us for any confidential information. Just...no. He's a person, not some file."

Tony blinks at the sincerity on Steve's face and gives himself a moment of warmth before shrugging and turning to Natasha.

"Your call," he says before hopping off his stool, "Keep playing, children. Daddy's gotta work."

It's not till he's back safe in his room does he pause to have a minor breakdown of giddiness. He brings up a screen of visual of the common floor and watches as the team, now with Bruce and Thor who have finally come up for breakfast, discuss Teddy and their decision.

When they decide to take up Tony's suggestion, he breathes out a sigh of relief and plots his next move. He feels deviant for a minute but then remembers Clint's letter and Natasha's eyes and Steve's nightmares.

If he's gotta be bad to be good, he has no qualms with it.

***********

Clint doesn't open the letter till late night. He didn't want to make a big show of his grudging enthusiasm for it but he  _has_ grown fond of reading these things. Maybe it's because nobody else treats him normally or because he's gonna lose his goddamned mind soon, but Clint actually finds this Teddy guy amusing.

When he reads the letter, he finds part of the amusement gone.

_It's not always all about you, you know?_

His hand crushes the edges of the paper.

_They can work without you, yes, but if you're leaving them dry just because you don't trust them to work then maybe it's because you're not trying yourself._

He pulls at the edges of the paper with both hands.

_you dying is not going to bring back those who died because of you. You living though? That might just save some poor sucker like me when we need unerring arrows. Try that one for probability._

The letter makes a protesting noise but obligingly tears from the center, neat splits coming till the edges.

_If you're still alive next week, let me know what you think about making a list of things that Steve would need to get acclimatized to the brand new world._

"Fucker!" Clint growls and balls up the pieces of paper he has torn, "Fucking asshole! Who does he--what the fuck does he mean by---fucker!"

He drinks himself to sleep that night. The next morning, he takes out the ball of torn letter and glares at it hard enough to burn it.

He doesn't burn it though, because it is the first verbal slap anybody has given him in a long time. Natasha has begun hedging around him and Laura calls less nowadays because Clint makes excuses for not talking. Steve is too far gone in his own problems and the others don't know Clint's tells.

Nobody has dared to show him the mirror and call him out on his idiocy yet.

Except for this idiot who doesn't even know him but knows where to hit perfectly. It stings, every word on that letter stings and Clint is glad that he tore up the letter.

He tapes it back together anyway, because this sting is the first feeling that has actually penetrated his numbness in a while. He might sucker punch the guy if he ever met him but he also wants to be his friend.

He becomes the first person who writes back asking for a number.

************

Bruce doesn't know how they came to this but now he has the number of a stranger in his new Stark Phone and he actually doesn't feel all that apprehensive about it. He notes Tony shooting him an amused look every time Bruce risks a look at his phone if they're in the workshop but all he manages is a shrug and diversion. 

He likes Tony, he really does. The genius is his first genuine friend on the team and has been very accepting of the Other Guy as well. But Bruce knows what he thinks about this whole Teddy business. In a way, Bruce understands him. They're not teenagers on a chat forum. They're Avengers. They shouldn't be having pen pals. But there is something soothing, something easy about this conversation, this way of being normal with someone who isn't a superhero that makes them continue.

He has seen Natasha smile enigmatically at her phone screen sometimes before muttering a Russian phrase under her breath. He has seen Clint get a volley of messages at most times and realizes that the archer looks a bit more relaxed now than when he first came in. He has seen Thor painstakingly type out long messages before Jarvis politely asked him if he wanted to dictate. He himself has looked forward to simple physics questions sandwiched between opera tidbits and random questions about the places Bruce has visited. He had never thought that there might be more to Calcutta than its slums and diseases but chatting with Teddy brought out things that he might have missed.

Most of all though, he notes Steve. Steve, who hated technology, now holds his phone with pride and tends to get a thoughtful look on his face sometimes when he gets a text. He also manages to have some civil conversations with Tony and Bruce knows that the genius looks surprised too but they don't talk about that.

On the whole, he likes the peace and quiet in the Tower and resigns himself into accepting that yes, he is in fact friends with someone he hasn't met.

Stranger things have happened, surely.

*************

It's not until the fifth month of chatting that Tony realizes that Clint Barton is married. He panics mid-text and thinks about all the ramifications of this reveal. He should stop and come out clean right away. He knows that. This is manipulation and every things he would hate himself. But Clint is obviously drunk and completely near his ends if his grammar has anything on it.

So Tony does the only thing he can do.

He pulls up his voice modulator tech on his phone and places a call.

"'lo?"

"Hey, Clint? Teddy here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday today and I'm celebrating it by writing fics. I love my weirdness! Feedback please!


	5. Between Friends and Friends

"I'm pretty sure there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and then there are  _lines_ that shouldn't be crossed," Rhodey said faux-playfully, the seriousness in his eyes negating the smirk on his face. If Tony had been in any condition to retort or snap at him he would have. But having a tube down your throat usually meant that you couldn't talk.

He settled for scowling to the best of his ability but Rhodey had long since gotten immune to that look. After the recent events and revelations, he would definitely not fall for it. Tony knows that Pepper didn't, thanks to the nice chat they had fifty minutes back.

All this happened because of a stupid phone call Tony had made five months back. One phone call and Tony vaulted from being risky to plain old stupid.

**Five Months Back:**

"What?" Tony heard Clint ask plainly, like this was some joke and he had to bite his tongue to not shoot something sarcastic.

"Hi. Teddy? Teddy C Nell?" Tony could hit himself with a brick. Of course this was a bad idea. What was he thinking? He had zero experience with pep talks or emotional conversations with people who were not allowed to tell the world that they had a family. Now he had done it. It was all screwed up and Clint was going to -

"Your voice sounds weird"

Tony blinked and stared at the phone for a whole second. Was he caught? Did Clint somehow recognize his voice? What the hell did that mean?"

"Weird?" he asked cautiously and Clint hummed.

"Yeah...all serious and stuff," Clint explained and it suddenly clicked in Tony's voice that the archer was slurring a little. He was drunk. Tony flicked open a video feed of Clint's location in the Tower and saw him burrowed on the couch -

With a bottle of scotch in front of him. Brilliant.

"I can joke if that's what'll get you to stop being an ass," Tony said casually and heard the choked laugh come from the other side.

"Y'know, it's against the ass-code to call out on another ass," Clint said, like it was a thing.

"Sure, maybe," Tony agreed before going for the kill, "If the ass was not running from his family like a coward."

It hits, Tony knows it hits the mark with the still silence he gets in reply.

"I don't know where you are you son-of-a-bitch, but I'm gonna find you and -"

"First of all, nice try insulting my mother," Tony speaks over Clint's growl effectively, because he knows this ranting method, "and secondly, you already have my number. I'm pretty sure superheroes like you would have tracked down my address too. So that's not a valid threat. Third, if you think something that stupid is going to stop me from calling out your bullshit, then you're wrong."

"I don't need your psychiatric bullshit,  _Nell_ ," Clint spits out.

"I know. I don't have the patience or the degree to do that to you. Like you said, you're an ass and I'm not qualified to do therapy for one. What I'm doing,  _Clint_ , is being your friend." Tony replied calmly.

"Fuck you," Clint said succinctly and Tony clutched on to the anger. Anger was always a loophole.

"Clint -"

"No, you know what, shut up!" Clint raged and Tony bit his tongue, letting the man vent, "You're not even real to me, you bastard! You're just a fucking fan who's got too much time and no real friends of his own. You don't know shit about me or any of the others. You don't know what it's like to get up every day and put everything you have at risk just so that you can help someone. Just so you can stop some innocent life from getting hurt. You don't know what it's like to lose all of that, everything you've worked for just because some divine dick decided to mess with your brain. You DON'T KNOW what it's like to see yourself every day and not know who the person in the mirror is!"

"No, but your family does," Tony said quietly and Clint's mouth snapped shut, "Clint, you're right. I'm just a nobody with too much time. But you, you asshole and brilliant idiot, you aren't nobody. You're somebody's family. Somebody's husband. Somebody's dad too maybe, I don't know. That doesn't change, no matter how many 'divine dicks' mess with your head. You can fix things, Clint."

"How do you know that?" Clint croaked and Tony had to shut his eyes to say the next words calmly.

"Because you're alive. And you have a chance," Tony murmured, "Not many people get that, Clint. And as your friend who's known you for a few weeks or so, I'm telling you that you should take it. Because you're alive, Clint. That's the only reason you need."

There's a pause that Tony thought was the worst silence he had heard. He didn't know why he was pushing for this. He didn't know why he needed Clint to wake up and see what he was destroying. He just remembered his own childhood, his dad throwing away their family for his own guilt and that shook Tony more than he would have liked.

"You really shouldn't call again" Clint said after that long pause and cut the call before Tony could speak anything else.

Tony stared at his phone, the one he'll never use usually, a true travesty of a model really. 

He stared at it for a couple of minutes before he put it back into his secret drawer and quietly went back to work.

He didn't think about Clint for the entire 13 hours he spent in the workshop. He really didn't, no matter how many times he might have hacked into SHIELD files and gone over the archer's files.

If Clint left the Tower three days later, talking about some secret mission, then Tony didn't relate that to the warmth blooming in his chest. No, that wasn't pride. That was just the arc-reactor malfunctioning.

******

Of all the people he thought he would miss when they left, Steve was supposed to be the last one. Tony spent the least time with the man and they both had hardly anything similar.

Well, that isn't true. They both inhale coffee like air, they both hate DDR, they both love Bruce's curry, they both annoy Fury more than the others, and they are the only challenge to each other in Mario Kart. But apart from that they aren't similar. Even though Pepper casually commented once that they're probably more best friend material than they know. Tony had wondered if dating him was making her go senile.

But Pepper was always busy with work and she preferred Malibu to New York for some strange reason. Which meant that Tony spent a lot of time in the Tower alone and it turned out that the only person more alone than him was Steve. So they had been forced by loneliness to spend some time together. Tony had expected it to blow up pretty soon but that was before, before -

Before he knew Steve Rogers.

Sure, as Teddy he knew that Steve was a little shit with a body at odds with his age. But as Tony he got to see what that Brooklyn boy did with all that in real life. The way he preferred books over movies, video games over board games, insisted on training with everyone like an overgrown and excited puppy, but most of all remained utterly human in the face of stupidly exaggerated fame. Tony would have felt suspicious of it all if he hadn't become closer to the guy as Teddy. As Tony, he got to see Steve's efforts at civility, coping, curiosity and calm. As Teddy, he got to see Steve's quirks, faults, fears and friendship.

It was confusing him and in turn he knew that he was confusing everyone else.

So when Steve and Natasha took a leaf out of Clint's book and left to join SHIELD missions again, Tony kind of felt alone. When Thor left too, to apparently spend more time with Jane, Tony felt completely alone.

It didn't make sense, because he was now free to go back to Pepper. He could be Tony in peace and maintain Teddy's facade easier. 

It doesn't feel the same. And that's when the nightmares begin.

**Present:**

"Were you even thinking straight?" Rhodey asked, the bastard who was taking advantage of Tony's silence, because in any other time he would never have had this chance. Even now, with his body modified for the third time in his life, Tony can't bring it in him to stop wondering when Rhodey would understand that he can never think straight. Tony stopped thinking straight a long time back.

He settles for looking away from Rhodey, back at the ceiling which doesn't question him.

"Tony," the voice is more sad than annoyed now and Tony resolutely doesn't look at him, "Tony, you can't keep doing this to yourself,man. You can't keep pushing people away. Especially those who want to be with you."

Tony wants to rail at him that he doesn't know who he is anymore. He wants to yell and scream that this is the worst time for Rhodey to be soft with him. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve or need pity. He can't handle it. Not now, when -

He flicks his glance towards Rhodey again and settles for a feeble glare.

Rhodey, the absolute asshat, simply smiles at him, a sort of soft look that he has perfected since MIT. Tony hates that he has missed this. He hates that he likes it.

"Tones, you know you're not alone, right?" Rhodey asks simply, "I'm gonna be here. I-I'm always gonna be here. You know that."

And the worst part is that Tony knows that. He knows that because the other member of his triad isn't here. Won't ever be here again. At least not like she was before.

But maybe he's not alone. He has Rhodey. 

And Teddy has the Avengers. Because of whom Tony doesn't have Pepper anymore.

Okay, that might not be fair. The Pepper situation happened because of Tony himself.

Because of Tony and his nightmares and Malibu.

Malibu. The home he destroyed slowly, over the span of three months.

**Three months back:**

_Teddy: I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people like Wheaties._

_Steve: I like Wheaties._

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: I cannot, for the life of me, understand why I like you._

_Steve: Because I listen to you whine about your boss and colleagues._

_Teddy: Oh God. My colleagues are the worst._

_Steve: hence proving my point._

_Teddy: I don't whine about my boss, Steven._

_Steve: Sure, Theodore._

_Teddy:...you can't keep up the same joke for every joke of mine, you know?_

_Steve: What would you like me to call you instead, Teddy bear?_

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: I prefer Clint. Stop trolling me, Brooklyn._

_Steve: Sure, Teddy bear._

_Teddy: I really hate you._

_Steve: I'll remember that the next time your colleagues poison your coffee._

_Teddy: Did I say hate? I mean I adore you, Steven Rogers!_

"What're you doing?"

Tony didn't startle thanks to his decades long self-training of keeping calm in the worst situations. He simply swiped his tablet screen and brought up schematics of the new StarkBands which he knew were going to sell-out faster than the phones. Looking up a bit, he winked at his girlfriend who was back from another grueling meeting with what he supposed were Japanese clients.

"Hey gorgeous," he murmured and leaned up for a kiss but Pepper neatly side-stepped him and collapsed on the couch beside him before shoving at his hip. He was  surprised when she simply laid her head on his shoulder and switched on the TV.

"I love being the boss," she spoke up after a while and Tony blinked at his schematics before tilting his head to her side, "But I really hate the Avengers today."

Tony frowned at that and shuffled a bit till she wasn't draped all over him.

"Uh, hi. Boyfriend plus Avenger right here," he joked but it fell flat and he sighed, "Okay, what happened?"

"STRIKE had a mission in Japan a few weeks ago apparently."

"And?"

"They did more damage than necessary."

"...And?"

Pepper shot him a look which he supposed should mean that he was not seeing the picture.

"Pep, what's the problem here? You know that fighting crime doesn't exactly come with a perimetered area," Tony said plainly, "As far as I can see, they saved an oil tanker from exploding and possibly saved a bunch of nifty nuclear codes from falling into the wrong hands."

"Yes, that's as far as  _you_ can see," Pepper snorted, "Tony, are you seriously telling me that there hasn't been more damage to SI after the Avengers Initiative began than before?"

Tony blinked at her for a minute before laughing.

"Are you serious?" he chuckled but Pepper wasn't laughing, "Aww Pep, come on. You can't really blame superheroes for stocks."

Pepper's look said that she could. Tony opened his mouth and shut it when she turned back to the TV, avoiding a fight that was bound to spring up if they continued on the line. 

When he asked her if she wanted to order in dinner, she said that she had already dined with the clients. Tony didn't say anything. It would be hypocritical to complain when he had eaten too, right?

Their whole 'date nights' schedule wasn't working all that well after all maybe.

************

It had been a month since Tony had begun working on the Iron Legion. His relationship with Pepper was still on some strange kind of spectrum but he couldn't forget the nightmares and the idea of a space that had dangers he couldn't protect his friends and family from.

At first his nightmares were about himself dying in the space. Then came Rhodey, then Pepper, even Happy. And then hints of the other Avengers. It was nerve-wracking to put it simply and Steve Rogers wasn't going to make it any easier with his next problem.

The news about DC came in the same time that the idea of Iron Legion picked up in Tony's mind. He was working on the sixth suit of the set when Jarvis had informed him about the news.

He watched in horror as Steve and Natasha and some new guy got shot at by a metal-armed guy. The metal-armed guy had a gas-mask of sorts and even Tony had to admit that he had an extremely chilling murder strut.

"J, put an alert on Cap, Widow and everyone at DC. Bring me up Rhodey" he ordered because he  _needed_ to know where his best friend was. If he was in DC, then Iron Man needed to make a visit there.

"What?" Rhodey barked as soon as he picked the call and Tony relaxed. That was Rhodey's sleepy bark, which meant that he was in bed or near it. Which meant that he was somewhere safe.

"Are you schmoozing someone?" Tony asked just to be obnoxious.

"Yes, my pillow," Rhodey shot back grumpily.

"Aww, sugarplum. You sleep on pillows? I thought you were the stone-bench, hardcore kind of guy, Colonel," Tony teased even as he calmed himself with the thought that Rhodey was fine.

"Ferme la bouche" Rhodey grumbled and Tony chuckled.

"Oooh, French me you sexy thing," he drawled and heard Rhodey's groan of tiredness.

"Tony, it's--" there was a pause which meant that Rhodey was looking at his watch groggily, "It's 2 a.m. you asshole. What do you want?"

"Where?"

"Where what?"

"Where is it 2 a.m?"

There was silence on the other side of the line and a rustling of sheets which meant that he was sitting up now.

"I'm not in DC, Tones," Rhodey said patiently and Tony felt a small ball of tension ease in his chest, because even though Rhodey would never tell him where he was (some stupid military secret), he knew that Tony was worried and the reason Tony was worried. It was in moments like these that he thought about believing all those My Little Pony posters about friendship being special and eternal. He took a moment of thinking that before he shrugged and let it go.

"So no on the Paradiso delivery?" he answered instead of saying a pathetic  _thank God_. 

"Goodnight, Tony," Rhodey replied instead of calling Tony out on his bluff, "Say hi to Pep for me."

Before Tony could reply with a sarcastic retort, he found his call cut short. That was okay though, Tony was used to Rhodey cutting him short once the heart of the matter was sorted out. Rhodey was blunt like that. Tony would never tell him that it was one of the reason he trusted him.

So he tried not to get involved in DC because things were already weird in Malibu with Pepper and he wasn't sure he  _wanted_ to get involved in anything SHIELD-y now that Nick was being shifty. The whole Project Insight talks they had gone through had been strange for Tony. For one, Nick had actually been civil to him. For another, the Pierce guy who supervised the project was creepy as hell and kept talking about Iron Man to Tony in the third person. 

"Okay, let's work on the sensors next, J," he ordered and tried to put the whole matter out of his head. If he shot both Steve and Natasha messages through Teddy's number just in case, nobody was the wiser, right?

Though Clint does send back a picture of a beach with the caption :  _READY TO DAZZLE THE BEACH WITH MY BOD._

Tony did not have words to express how idiotic he was for grinning at that, so he sent back a poop emoji.

Clint and he were weird. it felt good that way.

********

**Present:**

 

Rhodey was rifling through a couple of documents that looked like military debriefs and Tony was busy figuring out ways to recreate Extremis into a better and less extreme virus when Happy knocked at the door.

"Hey" he grinned as he entered without waiting for a pause, "Brought you some burgers."

Tony glared hard at him but the bastard simply shrugged an insincere apologetic look as he handed the paper bag to an amused looking Rhodey.

"Sorry, boss," he said with a twinkle in his eyes, "But patients don't get grease. Saying it from experience."

Tony was glad, he really was glad that Happy was now okay with joking about the experience himself. It had been hell for Tony to see him completely hit and almost damaged when Killian's goon had set off the human explosion. Tony remembered sitting beside Happy, sleeping on an uncomfortable arm-chair as he seethed with vengeance. Happy had started out as Tony's bodyguard when Tony had been 24. His old bodyguard, Ernie, had recommended Happy himself and Tony had confirmed it when Happy had insisted on checking Obadiah before he came close to Tony. Paranoia was the hymn of bodyguards and Happy was ingrained with it since the beginning. They had grown together, the burly and loyal ex-cop and Tony. 

If not for Happy, Tony wouldn't have survived a lot of things. If not for Tony, Happy wouldn't have been in danger from a lot of things. They meet mid-way and settle for friendship over agreeing on Pepper's greatness, the miracles of cheeseburgers and learning to knock each other down in the ring.

Now, Happy looks fine, his scars and wounds healed 90%. Tony, on the other hand, is in the hospital.

He sometimes hates ironies.

"Hey, Happy, wanna take an hour?" Rhodey asked suddenly as he checked a message on his phone, "I'll be back soon. Just something at work."

Tony scowls at him the best he can over his tubes and wires but Rhodey, as usual, ignores him and Happy grins cheekily at Tony.

"Sure, no problem," he nods and takes over Rhodey's seat.

"Be good, honey," Rhodey coos at Tony before he leaves and smirks when Tony can't reply in kind. The asshole has been enjoying Tony's silence way too much now.

"So, boss, want some music?" Happy asked after a couple of beats and Tony grins over a tube, surely looking crazy and wild but Happy grins back. That's another similarity they share, a taste for classy music that others like to call screeching cats.

When the first chords of  _Jailbreak_ fills the room, Tony feels like he's back at his workshop and closes his eyes in peace.

He would really like to commend whoever named Happy that because this simple thing makes Tony less sad and annoyed than before.

As he closes his eyes and listens to AC/DC thrum energy, he thinks back to the events that led him to this bed specifically and unwillingly, two faces pop up in his mind: Aldrich Killian and Bruce Banner. Oh, and Pepper Potts, of course. But her face is a constant in all of his things right now, so Tony tries to focus on the other two.

**A month and a half back:**

"I cannot believe this," Bruce shook his head and fiddled with his rolled up sleeve again, hovering over the data before letting out a gust of air, "This...I cannot believe this."

"Brucey, are you really telling me that you cannot believe I'm planning to do something stupid?" Tony arched an eyebrow from the other side of the holograph and Bruce shot him a sharp look.

"Look, I get it about Pepper -"

"And you know how much I love it when you get scienced up. Let's get scienced up"

"- but this? This whole thing about using it on yourself? That's...that's suicidal level of crazy, Tony," Bruce continued, not the least perturbed about Tony's insistence to interrupt him. Bruce was always like that. To Pepper, it's a high improvement from the reclusive and shy guy who came into the Tower in the beginning. Tony simply looked at Pepper and wondered how she had misjudged Bruce so much because Tony had always seen Bruce for what he is right now : a brilliantly perceptive and sarcastically sweet kind of guy. He never really was shy. Just reserved.  _Like Natasha_ , the words had sprung up in his head and he had kissed Pepper to drown away that thought. That way lay madness according to Tony.

"I'm not using it on myself to become a dragon, Banner," Tony said slowly and Bruce huffed that small sound he did when he knew that Tony was baiting him and he secretly enjoyed it. Tony liked that kind of madness.

"Yes, you're using it to make yourself into a meta-human," Bruce countered and raised an eyebrow challengingly.

"Really Bruce, I didn't know that thinking about a life without a nightlight stuck to my chest was considered being meta-human," Tony snarked and Bruce was one of the very few who wouldn't flinch in the face of such emotional blackmail. Because he  _knew_ Tony Stark.

"Extremis, without another support system, will impact your body in ways that we are not prepared to calculate," Bruce countered and Tony would have snarled if it was anybody else but Bruce had stuck by him for Pepper's treatment and everything after. Also, he used scientific data to prove himself.

"Bruce, I want this thing off me," Tony said quietly because he had realized in his fight with Killian how vulnerable the arc reactor made him. One weakness, one bright weakness and he could be shot out of the sky with an EMP that would kill him. Or a fire-breathing man who could burn him.

Bruce remained silent for a while, staring between Tony and his own data before he sighed.

"Let me talk to some people," he said finally and Tony raised an eyebrow at that.

"What people do  _you_ know that I don't?"

"People who can build hearts," Bruce said with a small smug grin and Tony laughed because his doctor was showing his genius again.

Two days later Tony met Helen Cho and her team. One week later they chalk up plans and procedures to get the shrapnel out and salvage what's left of Tony's heart and lungs, especially with the damaged parts of the palladium thing still an issue.

It had taken three weeks for Tony to wrap up his urgent work and for Cho to finalize her team of doctors who met Tony, Pepper, Bruce and Rhodey's approval. It was hell for the doctors but when it was the matter of a highly controversial and annoying superhero's life, there were risks nobody wanted to take.

Tony remembered having his last chat with Natasha, Steve, Clint and Thor as Teddy before the surgery.

_Teddy: Why do people go for pearling?_

_Natasha: You got to feel it to know it._

_Teddy: Have you ever considered going into the horror business? Because you can scare a man off just with that sentence._

_Natasha: It's a back-up profession. Now go annoy Julian Assange or someone._

_Teddy: That's Wikileaks. Not Wikipedia._

_Natasha: Try looking for scrotal implants._

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: Horror. You'll mint._

 

_Clint: Hey, how does poop taste?_

_Teddy: As good as the bile that's coming up my throat at your thought._

_Clint:..._

_Clint: How does your bile taste?_

_Teddy: Stop stalking Quora, Clint._

_Clint: Killjoy_

 

_Steve: How do you tell your present that your past might have done something to their past that's probably unforgivable?_

_Teddy: How many people have you dated?_

_Steve: What?_

_Teddy: What?_

_Steve: nevermind_

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: Okay, what is it?_

_Teddy: Seriously, you're creeping me out._

_Teddy: Don't make me look up old time insults to threaten you, Brooklyn._

_Teddy: Steve...what is it?_

_Teddy: Okay, just stay safe alright?_

_..._

_Steve: What do you do if someone from your past came back?_

_Teddy: As in.._

_Steve: As in a friend._

_Teddy: Easy. You rekindle your friendship._

_Steve: That's...not easy._

_Teddy: ..._

_Teddy: Are they worth it?_

_Steve: Yes_

_Teddy: Then it's okay if it's not easy._

_Steve:..._

_Steve: What if your friend from the past has hurt a friend of the present?_

_Teddy: In the present?_

_Steve: Of the present._

_Teddy: No, I mean, hurt in the present or in the past?_

_Steve:..._

_Steve: In the past. And it's not directly them. It's someone close to them. Which indirectly hurts them too I guess._

_Steve: I'm not making sense._

_Teddy: Yes, but I have learnt a bit from your past nonsense to understand when you're not making sense._

_Steve: Rude_

_Teddy: Like you care. Okay, so this past-friend hurt someone related to your present-friend. Badly. Enough for your present-friend to be still effected by it. Is that it?_

_Steve: yes. Kind of. It's a bit more but yes, that's the gist._

_Teddy: What's the problem?_

_Steve: I just told you_

_Teddy: No, you told me a situation. What's the problem?_

_Steve: Is there a difference._

_Teddy: Do you want me to know about it or are we chatting for a distraction?_

_Steve:..._

_..._

_Steve: The hurt part is a bit too big to be explained by 'hurt'._

_Teddy:...Okay. And?_

_Steve: I don't know what to tell my friend._

_Teddy: Which one?_

_Steve: Don't act stupid._

_Teddy: Steve, you really think that this situation will affect only friend of yours?_

_Steve:...present-friend._

_Teddy: Does this present-friend of yours know about this past-friend? Not the hurting part, just the person._

_Steve: There have been mentions and information known._

_Teddy: Oh wow, be more formal why don't you?_

_Steve: ted.._

_Teddy: Fine, fine. So they know them but they don't know them as well?_

_Steve:...yes._

_Teddy: Does your past-friend want to hurt them anymore?_

_Steve: Not willingly._

_Teddy: Did they hurt them willingly before?_

_Steve: I'm not sure_

_Steve: No_

_Steve: No, I'm sure it's a no_

_..._

_Teddy: Brooklyn, why are you asking me all this? I mean, what exactly is the problem?_

_Steve: I want to protect both of them._

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: Sometimes you can't protect everyone, Steve._

_Steve: But what if I want to and have to?_

_Teddy: Then you protect the one who can't defend themselves and need your protection more. And you try not to cause any more hurt to the one you can't protect._

_Steve:...that's cold_

_Teddy: It's a choice, Brooklyn. If you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, you have to choose one of them to destroy so that you can breathe._

_Steve: When did you turn into a philosopher?_

_Teddy: baby, I was born this way._

_Steve:... Did you just Lady Gaga me?_

_Teddy: Applause!_

_Steve: Oh I am NOT encouraging you anymore._

_Teddy: Stay safe, Steve._

_Steve: You too, Teddy. And thanks._

_Teddy: Anytime, pal._

 

Tony had gone over that last conversation with Steve countless times. He knew who the past-friend was. It had to be Bucky Barnes. Of course it was Bucky Barnes, because everybody knew who the Winter Soldier was now. Which left out the present-friend.

It hit him with the force of a train when he realized that it was himself. All it took was a bit of hacking into SHIELD's files, a bit of hacking into the small file Natasha had released about the Soldier during her dramatic expose and some clever timeline calculation. At first he had thought it was Natasha. But Natasha was there with Steve throughout the DC debacle. She knew everything Steve did, which meant that Steve wouldn't have to tell her anything knew.

Also, Steve wasn't apprehensive of a lot of his 'friends'. Tony wasn't even going to consider himself in the list and wouldn't have if he hadn't been watching his Dad's old reel again, just as a memory before he got into the pre-surgery mood. The name Winter Soldier had appeared in one of the SHIELD files related to his Dad. A file Nick had given him a long time back. Before the Avengers even.

The Winter Soldier was related to his Dad. And Steve said that Bucky had hurt someone related to Tony, hard enough that Tony was still affected by it. Which again meant his Dad. And Mom.

He tried to think about it and the answer shouldn't have been that easy to get, because of course. That was it, wasn't it? If the Winter Soldier had just hurt Howard some way, Steve wouldn't have felt guilty enough to worry so much about it. He had done something fatal. Something that Steve thought Tony wouldn't forgive. There were very few things that Tony wouldn't feel easy to forgive someone who had years of Hydra mind-control over them.

On top of the list was a simple answer: Murder. Assassination.

The whole thing made sense. The Winter Soldier was an assassin. And Howard and Maria had died mysteriously in a car-crash, when Tony knew that Howard hadn't been drunk that day. Howard was the founder of SSR a.k.a modern day SHIELD. Which made him an enemy of Hydra, right?

The realization was so simple in the end that Tony had a panic attack right before he was supposed to leave for the hospital. 

Bucky Barnes had killed his parents. Steve's best friend had killed Tony's parents. His mom.

It had taken the combined effort of Rhodey, Pepper and Bruce to calm him down and get him to the hospital. They had assumed that he was having an attack thinking about losing the reactor. He didn't bother correcting them. This wasn't their mess to handle.

Maybe it was this shock that had lead Tony to making the mistake. Maybe that had been his distraction for leaving the damned phone out. Maybe that had been the reason he hadn't bothered to keep it locked like always.

Whatever the reason, he had finally made the mistake that had led to Pepper Potts getting her hands on his messages. As Teddy. To everyone.

That had been her final straw. She hadn't said anything till the surgery was over. But clearly she had gone through a violent conversation with Rhodey, which was how he had come to know of this madness.

The minute Tony had recovered enough to be conscious, Pepper had dropped the bomb on him. He was impersonating, she said calmly. He was using people, she said. He was playing with the emotions of those who trusted him, she said.

She needed a break, she said. Tony knew that she meant break-up.

It was evidence of how mad she was that Pepper hadn't even waited till he was completely alright and okay to go home. She had promised to stay out of it in deference to not wanting to be a part of the mess. She had also told Tony that she was going to move back out.

Tony hadn't gotten any chance of saying sorry. He had simply closed his eyes and raised his thumb finger, because that was better than crying right?

Rhodey, the beautiful bastard and brother of his life, had stayed. 

 _"I'm pretty sure there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and then there are ** _lines_ ** that shouldn't be crossed,"_. Tony didn't know what he had done to deserve Rhodey but he wasn't going to question it as long as he had him.

Somehow Rhodey had understood or resigned himself to the fact that Tony was broken, damaged and alone. And that he wouldn't know how to be friends with them now and couldn't be without them either.

As he lay on a hospital bed now, free of shrapnel, reactor, girlfriend and dignity, Tony had only one thought in mind.

He really couldn't lose Teddy now. Not when he had a chance at finding friends with people who would hate him for who he was later.

Tony Stark was a man of the present and the future, but sometimes he liked to blind himself to the latter to live in the former.

That was the only was a man with a new heart knew how to survive.

_There was a friend of mine on murder_

_And the judge's gavel fell_

_Jury found him guilty_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve and the others' voices in the next chapter. Don't worry, Bruce doesn't know it yet because Pepper wouldn't rat out Tony like that, no matter how mad she is. Leave your feedback for my poor poor writing please? <3


	6. A Beginning Of Kalopsia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lead up to AoU and its beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hated AoU's script. Just saying. It was a mess and all over the place.

It made sense to come back here. With all their secrets leaked and SHIELD out of the picture, it made complete sense to come back to New York. To the Avengers Tower, because apparently Tony hadn't got around to change it back to Stark Tower.

Natasha took another sheep jump followed by a series of modified routines she had learnt from what seemed like a past life. The first time someone had seen her working out on a beam doing gymnastics had been Clint during her first month at SHIELD. He had mocked her, calling her a pretty little ballerina. She had broken his ribs in the following sparring match. Tony, wisely, hadn't questioned her on the need for a beam in the workout area, probably already having learnt his lesson during her stint as Natalie after the small show she had put with Happy. Sparring was fun, but on days like these, when her mind was filled to the brim with thoughts, she preferred her old routine. 

She mused about the decision to come back to the Tower as she performed two Butterflies with ease, feeling her body reclaim its fluidity. Steve had been reticent about the decision to move even though Sam had thrown in his thoughts about considering joining the group if things went well. Natasha didn't have any qualms about living in the opulent home towering over the skyline and standing in challenge to the world. Steve though, he wasn't all that enthusiastic. At first, Natasha had considered the possibility that this could be a result of the constant undercurrent of tension between Steve and Tony. But that couldn't be the reason, after watching the way Tony reprimanded them on not asking for back-up in their DC mess. He definitely  _had_ been mocking and a bit taunting in his words but everybody could see the sincerity in his concern. 

Steve had been equally concerned about the mess with the Mandarin, she recalled with a small grin. It was funny watching both of them ribbing each other about the other's lack of self-preservation and adrenaline junk syndrome. Thor, who had also come back with a mission to trace Loki's lost sceptre, had regaled them as similar to Lady Sif's parents and _that_ had shut them all up spectacularly. So no, it wasn't that Steve didn't feel concerned about Tony or didn't consider him his friend. It was something else.

Unfortunately, she had a good inkling about what it was and she really wanted nothing to do with it. There were things she could interfere in and things she wouldn't want to touch with a ten foot pole. Especially when it involved best friends turned assassins turned murderers of another friend's parents turned whatever Barnes was now. Jumping off her beam with a flourish, she decided that this mess was Steve's to sort out.

It was a testament to her training that she sensed the presence of someone new even before she turned in the gym.

"Checking out the land of the peasants, Doc?" she commented and turned around with a small smile, catching Bruce's surprised expression which was quickly replaced by a sheepish smile.

"Actually, avoiding the lord of the manor," he shrugged and Natasha raised an eyebrow at that.

"Wait, so you are  _actually_ avoiding your bestie, brother from another mother, Tony pie?" she mock-gasped and Bruce rolled his eyes when he realized that she was teasing him.

"Oh har har, really funny Ms. Bunny," he snorted and froze when she raised both her eyebrows at the moniker.

"Ms. Bunny?"

"Uh, well, erm...you were jumping...a lot?" he gestured vaguely to the beam behind her and Natasha stared at him, making him grow redder with embarrassment, "I didn't mean  _that_ bunny, I just...oh God, I'm making this worse, aren't I? I'll just..I'll leave now."

"You need help, Doc," Natasha said slowly and Bruce frowned at her in confusion when her expression bled out to an amused smile, "I'm afraid you've stayed too long with Tony. You've caught his bad sense of humor."

Bruce relaxed at that and snorted when Natasha batted her eyes innocently. People always perceived that she was always serious, but those who knew Natasha understood that she was probably the biggest troll of them all.

"Sure," he said with a roll of his eyes and eyed the gym curiously, "You know, I've been here longer than all of you, well, except Tony, but I've never actually been here."

"That's because Tony hasn't been here and you've been his lost puppy while we were gone," Natasha pointed out with a gentle smirk that got Bruce shaking his head with a smile.

"Well, it's also because the Other Guy doesn't need to workout to stay in shape," he countered with a smug grin that not many people expected out of him. Natasha narrowed her eyes in a mock-glare but Bruce simply shrugged nonchalantly. 

"Don't go telling Clint that. He might cry," she said in return and walked over to Bruce, picking up a towel on the way, "You want me to show you around?" she asked with a sweeping gesture at all the equipment in the expansive gym.

Bruce looked like he was going to say something else, but finally shrugged in acceptance and Natasha grinned at that, taking lead and showing him all the equipment, explaining each's functions and relevance to the person who uses it. She kept an eye on the curious look Bruce the entire time, as she explained the simulations meant for Clint and herself. 

It had been a long time since she had been afraid of Bruce Banner. The roar in an old Indian shamble, the green of a beckoning death in the Helicarrier, and the annoyance rippling through brown eyes have long been buried under genuine appreciation for Bruce in Natasha's mind. She would never admit it out loud, but she could see that SHIELD hadn't been right in trying to restrain Bruce without explaining the whole situation to him. The idea of the Hulk in the cage that Loki took up instead made her feel a little bit guilty in her own involvement but she wasn't one who dwelled in the past. So she sought to understand Bruce better now than reminisce about their bad first impression.

In her time since that decision, she had learnt that there was a lot more to Dr. Banner than just his smarts or strength. Natasha had met a lot of strong men and smarter men in her life. Though she wouldn't go as far as to calling them all arrogant dicks, she did believe that they did develop a sense of misjudged morality and humanity at some point. She knew all that true about that. It was a reason why she consciously tried to not judge people based on their past. It was one of the reasons she tried to convince her friends, her teammates, to forgive themselves if they made mistakes unintentionally. Mistakes were a part of learning and living for her. 

That was the base on which she had begun accepting Bruce as someone more than just brains. She hadn't expected it to grow into something she adored.

She watched as Bruce observed Steve's training simulation, clearly making mental calculations on the Captain's speed, hands itching for a pencil and a paper. Out of all of them, it was strangely Bruce who loved writing down on paper as much as Steve. He would scribble notes on the edge of napkins, write down ideas on old newspapers, make calculations on trashed Avengers merchandise poster backs. He loved paper as much as Tony claimed to hate it. Natasha figured it out later that it was the familiarity of it, from the days when Bruce was working in India and didn't have Stark holographs or Jarvis. It was the same with his tea, the old pair of glasses he refused to change, the strange affection he had to his purple shirt, the faint jasmine scented shampoo he used, the -

Okay, so Natasha was observing a lot of things about Bruce. Yes, it was possibly creepy and yes, it could also possibly be termed a crush. Natasha was brave enough to admit that - to herself. She had a growing crush on the serene dork that was Bruce Banner and it didn't look like that was going to go away any time soon.

When Bruce cut through her thoughts with a shy request to go back up and asked her help in hiding for Tony for some more time, she had to squash the urge to call him cute or adorable. Instead, she simply grinned and proceeded to take him up through her floor.

Thankfully, her mood improved later that day when she received Teddy's text whining about his best friend's girlfriend. As long as Bruce wasn't the only adorable man in her life, she figured she was safe and proceeded to tease Teddy mercilessly.

*********

Clint was in an amazing mood and Tony Stark had nothing to do with it. He snorted as the man doggedly followed Steve with rambling about how they  _had_ to have a 'revel' sometime soon, because apparently that is how people celebrated high school reunions. The comparison of the team to high schoolers wasn't exactly wrong, Clint figured, but Steve was sighing tiredly as he explained once again how they needed to stay focused on the mission plan of getting Loki's sceptre. They were like the typical cliche of opposites attract according to Clint and he was silently counting down days to when they would actually see that they were better off together than apart.

It was all very Harlequin. Clint shuddered and took another gulp of his beer as he turned to act like he was paying attention to Thor's rant about the Bifrost.

No, he wasn't in an amazing mood because of any of these suckers, no matter how much he liked them. He was in a good mood because of his good news. The one he had gotten confirmed a few days back.

The pregnancy had come as a shock to both Clint and Laura, but neither of them had regretted it. You don't regret family and Clint had always wanted a large one to compensate for his own shitty childhood. It had been great for the first six months, but then they had gotten the news of a possible complication.

It had been a tense few weeks and Clint's annoyance at having been called back for a mission did nothing better. But yesterday he had gotten confirmation that things were fine. The complicated part was over and Laura was okay.

Nat had given him an arched look when he had smiled in the morning, probably because he had been snapping at everyone since his arrival. He didn't mind though and simply had offered his own cheeky grin. Strangely, Tony had been the only one who hadn't been offended by Clint's grumpiness and asshole behavior. Clint chalked it up to the genius being either too caught up in his own head or being used to his own cutting wankery. Clint liked that about Tony to an extent. The man knew what he wanted and he wasn't afraid to say the words as he meant them. Sure, he did get on everybody's nerves when he decided to be a one-man army instead of a team player but Clint wasn't big on reprimanding people who honest to God had no clue of playing nice with others. You cannot change people and their comfort patterns. Clint knew that.

He tuned out of Thor's monologue when Banner came by and the God turned his attention onto him. Shooting the bewildered doctor a cheeky wink, he slid back into the couch and lazily flipped out his phone to go through the last message threads. He stopped at Teddy's and the grin on his face grew wider.

Clint had never imagined that he would ever feel this close to someone after Laura and Nat. He had a brother once but Barney had ruined it all when he had decided to join the wrong side. The decision to cut ties had never been Clint's and he still remembered the vicious look in his brother's eyes as Barney had threatened Clint to stay away before shooting down his partner.

He was incredibly grateful to Nick for keeping that part of his life out of SHIELD files, along with arranging security for Laura and his kids. He owed Nick a lot for that.

Teddy reminded Clint of a time when he was lighter. The guy was cheeky, blunt, understanding and caring in ways that Clint had found many not to be. He really wanted to simply throw away this security concern and texting thing and simply go meet him. But Natasha had warned him about the threat to Teddy if they did that. After SHIELD's fall, the eyes on the Avengers had increased. Teddy was a civilian and the chances of him getting hurt were high. Tony had shown that to them all.

Still, that didn't stop Clint from considering Teddy to be one of his best friends. He read through the last messages they had exchanged, letting Thor and Bruce's babble wash over him.

_Teddy: In all fairness, it wasn't Merida's fault_

_Clint: Dude, Disney?_

_Teddy: Are you a hater of the most pure fluff cloud in the world that is Disney animation?_

_Clint: I have kids._

_Teddy: Cinderella's step-mom had kids. That doesn't mean anything._

_Clint:..._

_Clint: Fine, I like Disney. Now why wasn't it Merida's fault?_

_Teddy: Did you see that dress her mom stuffed her into? It's an insult to breathing! Tell me, how the hell does someone wear such tight clothes and move around?_

_Clint: You've clearly not seen Natasha's cat-suit._

_Teddy: I'm telling her that you called it that._

_Clint: I will disown you._

_Teddy: Your legacy will be a bow and a quiver, bumble-bee. I think I can survive without stone age tools._

_Clint: Can we focus on Merida?_

_Teddy: Yes. Dress. So, not her fault that she wanted her mom to change._

_Teddy: But the bear bit was maybe a little too much?_

_Teddy: Personally, I would have preferred a bird._

_Teddy: Easier to cage and pet._

_Clint:..._

_Clint: I fear for your kids and pets._

_Teddy: My pets are rocks. They're the best._

_Clint: Please stop watching Disney_

_Clint: You sound sane_

_Teddy: You're just jealous. MORE POWER TO THE DISNEY WORLD!_

_Clint: Why do I even chat with you?_

_Teddy: Because I'm secretly your alter-ego_

_Clint: Such sweet things you say dear_

_Teddy: You love me, asshole bro._

_Clint: Let it go_

_Teddy: YASSS_

_Clint:..._

_Clint: So..._

_Clint: I was watching Firefly yesterday.._

_Teddy: Let us revel in fan discussions, my son_

"You're grinning like a loon," he heard Natasha mutter and looked up to see her looking down at him from the side with an amused look.

"It's a good day," he said simply and got up to go talk to Laura.

As long as he had his friends and family, Clint knew that times would be good.

********

Steve knew that something was off with Tony. He'd known it since the minute he had set foot in the Tower when they had come back from DC.

At first it was a niggling doubt in the back of his mind, shadowed by his own grief and guilt about Bucky's fate of the past seven decades. He felt the guilt chew through him like a parasite every time he woke up at night with the look of Bucky's haunted eyes as he tried to resist punching Steve being the focus of his nightmares. His Bucky had been different, so very different. His Bucky had been protective and warm, playful and proud, flirtatious and friendly. He had been the life of the party, the overachiever who always shot for the stars where Steve aimed for the roots. 

He could hear Sam's voice telling him that the Bucky of the past might not be there anymore. That Steve was doing him no favor by keeping his expectations so high. Steve knew that and understood that, but Sam did not know Bucky the way Steve had. Sure, there had been Peggy in his dreams but Bucky had always been a part of his heart. He was family, the way you became when two people struggled through the worst and still stayed afloat together. Bucky was his pole star, the guiding force that had kept Steve's spirits high even when he had nothing. He couldn't give up on him now. Steve wouldn't be able to give up on him, not till he was alive. So, the guilt was alive and the determination to bring him back was firm. Sam had been nothing short of perfect in his support for that. When Steve couldn't go searching himself, Sam had taken up the reins, chiding Steve to stick by his team. 

So now, when Steve had a moment of peace to think clearly, the old niggling doubt came back with full force. There was something off with Tony Stark.

He hadn't discussed it with the others but he had seen them interact with the genius enough to know that they were probably not sensing it. Or maybe the off thing was there only when Tony was with Steve. It wasn't overtly dramatic or visible, but Steve could sense it as something in his gut. Tony wasn't treating him much different and he was being his natural strangely intriguing self. Steve knew that he hadn't made it easy on Tony in the past and was striving to move forward, but he could hear Bucky's voice in his head telling him that being a gruff porcupine while trying to make friends wasn't the best way. It was frustrating and annoying but Steve was realistic enough to recognize that he was odd only with Tony among his teammates. 

It wasn't that he didn't trust the man. In fact, if truth be told, he probably trusted him more than most, having understood Tony's strength and willingness to adapt. He had understood that he was off the mark in his first impression of the mark and held genuine respect for him. But he was still not as close to him as he was with Natasha or even Thor.

It wasn't the fact that he worked more with Nat. The past few weeks had proved that he and Tony made a better team than him and anyone else. They were opposites in many things but they made it work seamlessly on the field, with Tony's weaknesses being covered by Steve's strengths and vice versa. 

No, it was more to do with Tony reminding him of someone else. Someone who had the same cocksure attitude and smart mouth. Someone who could go toe to toe with Steve when he was being bull-headed. Someone who wasn't afraid to speak his mind but was also always adored by people. Tony reminded Steve of Bucky. And that was a new type of hell, because Steve realized now that this comparison had been a reason for his initial bitterness towards Tony. He had seen bits of Howard and Bucky in him, instead of seeing Tony as he was. The thought of what he had lost had made Steve bitter of what was present. 

The matter of hiding Bucky's truth connected with Tony's past didn't make things easier for Steve as he now tried to interact with the genius.

"Hey Cap!" Tony's voice cut through his thoughts and Steve looked up from his tablet which was supposed to show new Hydra base locations.

"Hi Tony," he greeted as the genius who had just come out of his workshop, having gone through a binge work marathon.

"Looking serious there, old man," Tony observed as he made a bee-line for the kitchen, where his dinner was kept dutifully in the fridge, "What'd my tech do to you now?"

Steve rolled his eyes and shook his head at the old joke about him not being up-to-date with technology, even though he really was.

"Just checking up the next bases we should target," Steve replied, swiping through the list to mark the order of the next mission.

He could hear Tony's feet move across the hall back towards the couch but kept his eyes trained on his work.

"Anybody ever tell you that you're anal about lists?" he heard Tony's voice again, this time right beside him. He paused in his work enough to look up and arch an eyebrow at the genius.

"Anybody ever tell you that you're anal about your binge work marathons?" he shot back with a blank expression at the genius who had a box of Asian chicken salad in hand and a surprised expression on his face.

"Alright, alright, Captain Sasspants," Tony chuckled before rolling his eyes and collapsing on the chair near the sofa, digging into his dinner. Steve didn't reply but went back to work with a small grin on his lips. There was silence for a while, with Tony's eating sounds being the only one around them.

"Hey, Cap?" Tony asked after a while and Steve looked up.

"Hmm?"

"Is there something you wanna tell me?"

Steve stilled for a minute, his mind going to the secret about Howard's death. But Tony wouldn't know about it, would he? 

"About what?" he asked instead of replying, tension coiling in his body.

Tony frowned and for a second Steve thought that he was going to ask about Bucky. But then Tony gestured to the tablet with his eyes.

"About the bases," Tony answered with a bemused look, "You've been going at it for some time. Is there something you wanna tell me?"

"Nothing yet," Steve replied with a small breath of relief at the averted panic, "Eat your dinner, Tony. We'll discuss this tomorrow with the others present."

"Bossy" Tony muttered but went back to his salad and Steve shrugged before getting back to work.

That night, when Steve went to bed, he sent a message to the only person he could confide in without qualms.

_Steve: Hey, you awake?_

_Teddy: No, this is my dream replying._

_Steve: Sorry_

_..._

_Teddy: Steve, I'm awake. What's up?_

_Steve: How're you?_

_Teddy: Amazing. You?_

_Steve: Good._

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: This is awkward. Are you breaking up with me?_

_Steve: What? No. What is that coming from?_

_Teddy: Okay, calm down. I was just kidding. You sound awkward. All okay?_

_Steve: Tell me something about yourself._

_Teddy: I stay awake at night chatting with superheroes who don't like broccoli._

_Steve: Ted..._

_Teddy: It's the truth._

_Steve: Okay, fine. Good night._

_Teddy: Okay, sorry._

_Teddy: Hey, come on._

_Teddy: Seriously? Silent treatment?_

_Teddy: Could you please stop?_

_Teddy: Steve..._

_Teddy: What do you want to know?_

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: I think I have a huge crush on you._

_Steve: What?_

_Teddy: Ha! Knew that'd get you to talk!_

_Steve: You're a dick._

_Teddy: Well, you're not wrong biologically._

_Teddy: Okay, not again. Why're you so pissy today?_

_Steve: I'm not pissy. I just wanted to have a serious conversation._

_Teddy: And that involves me baring my soul to you?_

_Steve: Forget it._

_..._

_Teddy: I always wanted to have my mother's surname._

_..._

_Steve: Is it a nice surname?_

_Teddy: Not bad. But she was a nice mother._

_Steve: That's nice._

_Teddy: I know, Brooklyn._

_Steve: I'm sorry._

_Teddy: For me wanting another surname?_

_Steve: For pressurizing you._

_Teddy: Ah. Okay._

_Steve: It's not you, it's me._

_Teddy: And you wonder why I thought you were breaking up with me._

_Steve: Shut up. And thank you._

_Teddy: It's okay, baby. I love me too._

_Steve: You're a menace._

_Teddy: Takes one to know one, Brooklyn._

_Steve: Go to sleep_

_Teddy: You're not my real dad!_

_Steve: Thank God for that._

_Teddy: Night night, Brooklyn._

_Steve: Good night, Teddy bear._

_Teddy: I hate you._

_Steve: I know._

Steve grinned at the phone and went to sleep more at peace. Things were still not okay with him or Bucky or Tony, but somehow Teddy managed to make Steve forget that, even if for just a few minutes.

He closed his eyes wondering what it would be like to actually meet Teddy. Maybe it would be like coming home again, he thought fondly as he let sleep take over.

That night he dreamt of a faceless person, calling him Brooklyn and introducing him to someone who looked like his mother. It was better than dreaming about haunted eyes.

*******

Tony woke up with a headache from inadequate sleep to the sound of the Avenger alarm. They were to raid another Hydra base today, somewhere deep in a place called Sokovia.

He had spent the last few weeks working himself to exhaustion on multiple projects, but mostly on his new project. Ultron was his baby, his solution to the nightmares that thronged his sleep - of space and aliens, of dead friends and ruined world.

He wanted to save everyone and the research into Ultron was his belief in providing a solution. The team was his family now. His friends. He couldn't let them risk themselves time and again, through foes who would one day overpower them. They were outmatched, definitely by those who weren't from this world.

Tony was not a futurist for nothing. And he would be nothing if he could not put his research and vision to good use.

He wanted them all to come home. To stop throwing themselves into death's lap every day. Ultron was important and a few sleepless nights was nothing for it.

He decided to talk about it with the team after they came back from today's raid. For now, a Hydra research base awaited.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HATED the 'prima nocta' joke in AoU and purposefully will not acknowledge it ever. Christ, it was like they were trying REALLY hard to make us all hate that movie and....I have a lot of thoughts on the mess that was Age Of Ultron, okay? It made my skin crawl with a lot of implications and skewered a lot of characters I hold dear. So, I cleaned it up a bit and kicked out parts which made no sense to me.  
> Feedback please <3


	7. An End Of Kalopsia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't deviate from the crux of the movie because you can't have Age of Ultron without Ultron and unfortunately Whedon did not bring in Hank Pym, the real Ultron creator, into the MCU properly. I did try to change the angle in some ways though. I hope it came out right.
> 
> Also, who's up to get your hearts broken with Tony's goddamned feels?

There's a lot Tony hated about magic but nothing as much as mind control. That one is right up against Justin Hammer's face and Obie's betrayal. He hated mind control more than anything else and that's an undisputed fact.

Especially when some random nightmare from a random place decided that he needed to relive it in high definition.

The Hydra base blast was going perfectly fine and he was following Steve's orders of not hurting the enhanced metas, instead focusing on retrieving the spectre, when he felt it. The stirring of something wrong and unnatural in his brain. A violation of sorts, like someone had reached in with their fingers and were stirring up his nerves. It felt cold and sick but he could do nothing to stop it. 

He could do nothing to stop reliving the Chitauri swarming around him. Finally his eyes fell on them. His team. 

He felt air leave his lungs entirely and almost staggered to the ground at the sight. Natasha, his mysterious and sometimes dorky invincible Natasha was lying motionless with her eyes dead and open. Clint looked like he had lost everything, his head hanging and eyes closed as he seemed to be keeping vigil over Natasha's body.  _Thor_ , the God Tony had never seen defeated or even tired, was dead. Hulk, his big and green favorite alter-ego was dead. And then there was Steve. 

Tony felt like he was dying himself as he skittered to the floor next to Steve's fallen body, a hand coming up involuntarily to cup his neck, desperately willing to feel a pulse.  _No no no no no_ , his brain kept chanting feverishly as he forgot breathing altogether and stared at Steve's pale face,  _not him. Not them please, no God please , not them -_

The sudden hold of Steve's hand over his wrist jerked him back and he almost pulled away but then Steve spoke in a hoarse whisper.

"You...could...have...saved...us" Steve whispered in gasping lungfuls of air, "You could have done more."

Tony opened his mouth to beg, whine, plead Steve to tell him what to do because he didn't know what had happened. He didn't know what to do anymore. He opened his mouth to ask when suddenly the vision cleared and his mind came back to normalcy a bit. He fell back on his haunches with a shuddering breath and breathed in deeply, ignoring the shivering of his hands.  _Not real_ , his mind supplied weakly,  _not real, not real not -_

Tony couldn't convince himself, not right away and chose to push that thought down in favor of finishing the mission at hand. He forced himself to get back up and faced the spectre, gleaming proud and mocking in its blue light. With one firm swipe of his hand, he removed it off its placeholder and glared at the blue pulsing in it.

Whatever he saw, it might not be real, but he would never take chances when it came to his team. Clenching the damned object in his hand, he went back to his suit and took off, not paying attention to his surrounding much.

Not even the glinting eyes of a young woman with red eyes and her white-haired brother.

********

The flight back home had been as awkward as they had all assumed. Steve focused on stalling Clint's blood loss as much as he could but the wound was pretty deep and he needed immediate attention if he was to make a full recovery. Out of the corner of his eye Steve saw Tony talk to Dr. Cho and make sure that she was in the Tower to rush Clint in. 

There was something off about all of them after this mission, Steve could feel that. Nobody felt all that well, physically or mentally. But Steve could sense Tony being more subdued than the others. He had taken over the piloting without cribbing and was being as non-responsive as he could, eyes stuck up front in the times that he wasn't spending watching Clint like a hawk. Every time Clint flinched or moved, Tony would stiffen more in his chair.

If he wasn't caught up in ensuring that the more wounded members were alright, Steve would have confronted Tony and asked him about it. In the meanwhile, he stuck to staying by Clint's side. Natasha was looking over Bruce, making sure he was alright and Steve had to suppress a laugh when Thor reported about the Hulk's victory and failures in his own inimitable style.

As soon as they reached the Tower, Helen Cho was there to take Clint and Natasha accompanied her swiftly. Steve sat back and looked at the reading of the sceptre, standing beside Thor and Tony.

"Wow, who'd have thought?" Tony muttered and Steve shot him a sidelong glance but he was talking to Thor, "We finally got a hold of it. So, what plans now, big guy? You up for a party?"

"My mission on Midgard is done for now," Thor replied with a regal grin, "It is custom in Asgard to celebrate success with a revel. So yes, let us celebrate."

"Revel yeah, wow, different connotations but cool," Tony nodded with a grin of his own before locking eyes with Steve, "What about you, Cap? Ready for a 'revel?"

"The wold's at peace, we've completed our mission and we've got time to spare," Steve said with a peaceful look and met Tony's eyes with a small smile, "I think I'm up for a 'revel'."

Tony smiled back at him, a slight quirk but more genuine than all those fake smiles Steve had seen him direct at the media or outsiders. This one was real. This one was just Tony.

The urge to talk to Tony about his gut feeling faded when they got back into the Tower and Steve got busy with evaluating reports and filing his own data. There was a moment when Clint was finally conscious enough to sass and got into a banter with Tony that Steve thought he was imagining things and then let it go.

He was being paranoid, he thought. If Tony had some problem, he would either solve it by himself or would tell him. They were a team after all and Steve knew that they finally had some time to lie back and kick up their feet.

It was going to be fine.

 *********

It was never going to be fine.

Tony could see that now. Things were never going to be fine. Nothing would ever be fine as long as the threat of being vulnerable, beak  _weak_ always loomed over their heads. Nothing was going to be fine if he didn't do enough.

He was a futurist. He should be able to come up with a problem to solve problems that he knew would come in the future, right?

He stared at the glow-stick of destiny with equal parts hatred and curiosity, mind running a million possibilities.

"Are you trying to control it or is it controlling you?"

Tony certainly does not startle so he simply puts on his best shit-eating grin and does a madman impression with his eyes when he turns around to see Bruce looking at him. Bruce, the old goat, simply rolled his eyes and walked forward, hip-checking Tony when he tried to be obnoxious and not let the other man work on the data being collected from the sceptre. They were scanning for possible threats, but Tony's mind was already running on a different tangent.

"You ever think about the future?" he asked Bruce casually and the doctor didn't even pause in his work when he answered.

"I'm always thinking about the present and the future, Tony. If you're asking about 'dreaming', well, that's your department," Bruce said without missing a beat and Tony grinned slightly.

"And what if I do? I also think of ways those dreams can come true, Brucie bear," he shot back with a teasing tone that must not have masked his seriousness much because Bruce looked up and raised an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about?"

"How would you like peace in our times?" Tony asked, slipping into his salesman persona as he tried to sell his idea to the one man who could help him.

And Tony definitely needed help.

They argued for what felt like hours but was probably only minutes. Bruce was more paranoid than Tony and that was saying something, but Tony need him on this. He needed to know the possibilities of nipping the bud right away. Of a safer world where he wouldn't have to watch his friends -

Where people could be safe.

"This is wading into uncharted territory, Tony," Bruce shook his head wearily but Tony knew that he was almost in, "I mean it quite literally to an extent."

"This is what we do, Banner," Tony extended his arms, gesturing to everything around them, "We're scientists. We take risks to get things right. And this is worth the risk, don't you think?"

In the end they decide not to go through with it in completion but they do get a brief sample of the sceptre's data analyzed and recorded. Tony agreed with Bruce when he said that they could go through with it better and more easily once they had talked to the team about it.

Tony didn't want to be the guy who started another war with an Asgardian army and he definitely didn't want to screw up his one shot.

*******

The problem with a good party is that it gets boring pretty fast without good party games. Especially if it is a party for an eclectic bunch of superheroes and spies. Thor had seen many revels in his younger time at Asgard and it was pretty easy for him to get bored. But the current game or rather challenge that they were playing was interesting enough to keep him piqued.

"You are all not worthy I would say," he laughed boisterously as his team mates groused and chatted about Mjolnir.

"It's a party trick. I call bullshit," Barton scoffed, obviously a little drunk and Thor simply grinned at him.

"Have at it then," he gestured to his Mjolnir and the archer raised an eyebrow but then Stark goaded him and he got up to try a hand at lifting it. Barton scowls when he cannot lift it an inch but then shrugs it off and slumps on the arm-rest of the couch nearby. Then it becomes a contest of sorts when Stark comes up.

"I will be cruel to be kind when I rule, just saying," he informed Thor and Thor raised an eyebrow even as he grinned. 

"Sure,  _Cleo_ , get on with the thing," Barton snarked and Stark winked at him before attempting to lift the hammer in vain. Of course, if there was one thing Thor knew Stark was, it was being persistent.

The gauntlet came in without ridicule but when that failed, Maria Hill commented something about horsepowers and such that Thor did not understand but apparently Stark did. Rhodes, the ever obligated man, joined in the efforts of Stark with his own gauntlet and they bickered even as they put in their entire might into the task in vain.

Banner made light of his own try and Thor seemed to be the only one who chuckled even as the others especially Natasha seemed terribly amused by his antics.

The Captain looked a bit sheepish when he was challenged but then Stark goaded him more.

"C'mon Cap, show us the power of Freedom," he declared imperiously and Thor saw Steve shoot the genius a look followed by an eye-roll that was as fond as the one he had given when Stark had told everyone about the 'Language' slip up.

"He obviously needs more encouragement," Clint tells Stark with a gleaming twinkle in his eyes and Stark barks out a laugh before he flicks something in his phone and a song about stars and banners plays. Steve groans and the others laugh but Stark sings along to the song and Steve gives up on chiding him, instead focusing on the hammer.

Thor feels his smile slip a bit when it actually moves. Not much, not even a bit in the air, but Steve manages to make it move an inch.

Steve lets it go with a childish grin and a laugh that the others echo with varying degrees of bets and gambling dues being yelled by Barton and Stark when -

Thor has seen robots and armors since his arrival at Midgard, but this one, this metal beast with a cold voice.

He doesn't think he has seen anything like this.

********

Tony knows his machines. People call him reckless and a loose canon and he can be all that, but he is never that with his machines. When he creates something, he does it like an artist worships his easel. Like a maestro strokes his piano keys. Like an athlete kisses his race track.

Reverently. Emotionally.

His bots and armors are not his toys or distractions. They are a part of him. A part of his heart rather than his mind. So it is never likely that he would be reckless with them.

And yet now he stood in a wrecked Tower with the knowledge that this had happened at the hands of his creation.

Ultron. The peacekeeper. The one hope Tony was banking on.

The one thing that seemed to hate Toy more than he did himself.

"It was research," he repeated himself, holding on to his last shreds of patience, "We weren't even close to figuring it out completely. This should have never worked or happened."

"But it did," Steve shot back and yes, the calm definitely hit stronger than any anger, "You did something right and you did it right here."

"Jesus, Steve, it's not like we set out to build a crazy bot!"

"And yet it happened" Clint pointed out from his stairs and Tony had the urge to laugh hysterically. Because that was true wasn't it? It happened. The worst two words of his life and he was going through it again.

"You got into this 'research' with Loki's sceptre! A thing beyond your understanding!" Thor thundered and Tony had the urge to roll his eyes, "You presume yourself to be better than most and then you invite doom on them!"

Tony couldn't help it. He really couldn't. It was all too much. Ultron coming alive. Thor talking as though they did not see why this research had been necessary. JARVIS -

God, no, it's still too early to be thinking about him.

He laughs instead because if he doesn't, then he might just cry. He holds on to his mask of sanity and laughs till Thor roars a bit and stalks over to lift him off the ground while choking him.

Steve and Rhodey intervene, one with a command and the other a bit frantic. Tony doesn't care. He feels a bit dead inside anyway.

Steve tells them that they will solve this together. Tony wants to laugh again because if he doesn't know how Ultron came alive in the first place, he really doesn't know how to kill him.

Kill another creation of his.

They try to scan for him and locate Ultron. Since JARVIS is - fuck that, he has to say it - since JARVIS is dead now, they had to work out of actual paper trails. Bruce was resolutely not saying anything other than what was necessary and Tony didn't try to ask him for support. He went down to the workshop and tried to retrive as many files as he could when Thor followed him down and insisted on helping, even though he was glaring as he said the word.

And of course, of course that was when things just had to get worse.

"What is this?"

Tony didn't turn at first and hummed inquiringly as he searched for more boxes of files when he felt Thor come closer and loom over him. Getting up from the floor he frowned up at the big guy before noting what was in his hands. Tony didn't know if he was going to laugh again at the irony of his life or simply let Thor choke him to his content.

"What is this, Anthony?" Thor repeated and Tony bit back a wince at the full name coming out, He stared at the bunch of letters in Thor's giant hands and sighed, letting himself speak.

"Letters, Thor, surely you've heard of them before," he tried for flippancy and failed when Thor refused to budge.

"These are our letters," Thor said quietly, his eyes flashing, "To Teddy"

Tony would have loved a shot from Ultron at this point.

"Yeah, yeah, they are" he nodded and tried to move again but Thor was an unshakable mountain.

"Did you - steal our letters?" Thor asked slowly in a low tone of dangerous rage and Tony blinked. He blinked again and it was as though something snapped in him at that.

"Wow! Just, wow," he breathed out and ran one free hand over his face, "That's ... probably a better low than what the truth is I guess," he laughed a bit, hysterical and broken in its jarring noise, not even looking at Thor at this point, "That would have been so much more my style, right? Fuck, that would probably be a better slimeball move than what actually happened. Not gonna lie, I really want to say yes. It's tempting the shit out of me right now."

He paused and leaned back against his worktable with a tired huff of breath, more from his mental tiredness than physical. He closed his eyes and continued.

"You know why me stealing these would have been better, Thor? Because that would have meant so much lesser than knowing how pathetic I really am," he breathed and continued, "No, I didn't steal you letters. Can't steal what's given to you freely. You wrote them to me."

"But we did not -"

"I'm Teddy," Tony cut him short without opening his eyes and he could  _hear_ the stillness around him but pushed through, "That was all me. The guy who wrote you the letter about your brother and recommended poetry? The guy you wrote frickin sonnets to and asked to edit for Jane? The guy who told you that texting like a 12 year old girl was cool? That was all me. Teddy C Nell. T.Edward Carbonell. Anthony Edward Carbonell. Couldn't put Stark for obvious reasons."

"And what might those reasons be?" Thor's voice had turned so quiet that Tony had to open his eyes and meet the God's unreadable gaze.

"Me," Tony said simply with a bitter shrug, "Just being me? That was a reason enough, big guy. What would you have done if Tony Stark had tried to be who Teddy was?"

Thor stared at him quietly for so long that Tony was genuinely worried that one of the others would come down any time. And then he placed the bunch of letters beside Tony, on the table.

"I guess we shall never know now," he said simply and turned around to walk away with his own boxes of files.

Leaving Tony alone with his lies.

******

Going to Wakanda was a disaster of mass proportion. Quite literally. The red eyed girl and her speed demon brother worked with a clearly cold and cunning Ultron in perfect sync. Every single Avenger, with the exception of Clint and Tony, had fallen victim to the girl's manipulation.

Clint had saved himself with one of his electric shocker arrows.

Tony had tried to save Johhanesburg with the Hulkbuster.

They had been defeated, humiliated and broken completely. Tony felt like his nightmare had already begun.

Of course, that was when Clint suggested that they go to a safehouse. Even before they landed, Tony knew where they were going ad he hated it. Hated that this secret of Clint's was going to come out now.

Thor had, strangely, not told anyone about the Teddy thing and Tony was so exhausted by the Ultron mess that he wasn't thinking too much into it.

When they entered Clint's farmhouse, Tony had to fight himself to keep a surprised expression on his face when all he wanted to do was laugh and say that he knew this family already. That he had once sent Clint back to them when things had been shitty.

He did nothing of that sort and made snarky comments about not knowing that Clint had a family. He didn't need to turn to see Thor glaring a hole into his head.

Thor left, predictably and gave Steve a reason of meeting Selvig.

Things were tensed and strained but they came to a minor head for Tony when he was chopping  logs with a beefy Steve Rogers.

"Sometimes my team mates don't tell me things," Steve threw at him.

"Sometimes some things are best left unsaid," Tony threw back at him and watched Steve's glower increase but didn't tell him that he was talking about Steve and his Bucky secret.

That was for another day. If they survived this.

Tony goaded Steve and taunted him about not having a dark side .

Steve ripped a log in half.

When Mr.s Barton (Laura in Tony's head) told him to help with the tractor, Tony took that distraction gratefully. Only to come face to face with another blast from the past.

"Geez, why don't ghosts ever stay dead?" he chuckled when Nick Fury came into view. Nick, as always, didn't take the bait. They argued and ran in circles over god knows what.

"Sounds like a cold world, Tony" Nick said about his research.

"I've seen colder," Tony responded quietly, thinking about his nightmare.

 Nick was always good at playing people and he didn't fail this time too. He caught Tony right where he was at his most vulnerable and pushed him to try harder. That night, he pushed the others too and Tony saw as Nick Fury did what he had done first for the Avengers during an alien invasion. He made them a team again. Of course, the information that Ultron was going for the military codes could have factored into that part too.

Tony took charge of finding out who was the anonymous ally they had who was holding fort for them and Steve took the rest of the team to try and contain Ultron from expanding his army.

In that moment when Steve faced Tony and assured him that they would get this done together, Tony felt his throat close up but didn't say a word. Instead he simply wished Steve luck.

"Be safe, Steve," he said quietly as they left, "Win"

Steve met his eyes with a confused look at first before it softened to something that Tony didn't recognize. In a fleeting second, it faded away to confidence and Captain America was leading his team into a new fray.

The search for their anonymous super hacker and ally was a game of cat and mouse but Tony had been playing that for a long time to back away from a challenge. What he hadn't expected though was the cat to be his own.

"Jarvis?" he whispered in disbelief when he found his AI and friend tucked in between millions of codes and data, guarding what Tony could not have guarded.  For a moment Tony felt like his world had lightened up again. If JARVIS was here then things could be alright again, right? JARVIS was his co-pilot, his lodestone. If he had him back, he could save the world again.

The news of Helen Cho creating a synthezoid on Ultron's insistence and under the power of the sceptre darkened whatever light he had tried to find. It didn't take him long to know what needed to be done now.

And wasn't that the kicker? Killing his best friend, his strongest confidant, to try and stop another creation of his. It was like an unending circle of blood on his hands had begun all over again.

He told Clint to bring the Cradle to the Tower when the archer called and took a moment, just one moment to remind himself why this had to be done.

Why he had to lose JARVIS all over again.

*******

"You want me to help you put JARVIS into this?" Bruce asked incredulously as he gestured at the Cradle.

"No, of course not," Tony pretended to scoff before continuing, "I want to help you put JARVIS into this."

"Have we not had enough of crazy bots for once?" Bruce asked and shook his head tiredly.

"Bruce, we cannot back out or back down now," Tony said quietly, "Look, I still don't know how Ultron worked or how an AI that we didn't feed or activate came alive with memory about all of us. But it happened and we're the only ones standing between him and the world. We're not enough. You and I both know that we are not enough this time. And the only thing that can stop Ultron is this synthezoid with part of his strength, but we cannot take a risk with any AI for him. There is nobody in the world who is better than JARVIS. Nobody who can remain good despite any influence. There is nobody I can trust more than JARVIS and that was proved right today when he saved us from frickin nuclear destruction. He is a better protector than all of us, Bruce. He's our only chance."

Bruce gave him an intense stare for a minute before he nodded and they got on working with the Cradle and JARVIS. Tony felt his heart shatter when he began uploading the code, the code of his Ai,  _his_ JARVIS into the Cradle's body. He had sent Clint away to try and find Natasha, who had been taken by Ultron's minions, using old Morse code. He knew from old texts and letters that Natasha liked old spy moves. There was a high chance that she would use them to try and contact them.

As the last inch of the code loaded and Tony plugged in the reactor's charge to the Cradle, he heard the sound of Steve rush in. Followed by two people he never wanted to see again.

The Maximoff twins.

*******

Steve didn't want to believe the young woman. Tony might be reckless at times but he would never do something as crazy as what this girl was suggesting. They were already dealing with one crazy Ultron. There was no way Tony would create another bot in the midst of all this. Right?

The minute he entered the Tower again, he knew that he had underestimated Tony again.

"I'm only going to say this once -" he said firmly as he warned Tony to stop the process.

"How about 'nonce'?" Tony retaliated and then Steve had no choice but to throw his shield to try and cut off the power. Tony called for his gauntlet and shot a blast at Steve. Then it was just an all out fight. Wanda was pushing Bruce away using her power and Pietro tried to cut off the power but only fell through the glass floor when Clint shot an arrow.

It all came to a head though when Thor came blasting and landed on the Cradle, jolting it with Mjolnir's lightening strength. Steve heard Tony shout and he himself felt stunned but then the Cradle burst open and a red being came out of it. Steve was ready to attack it when Thor stopped him with a hand.

"Who are you?" Tony asked cautiously when the synthezoid floated towards the glass panes of the windows and stared out towards the endless skyline.

"I am - I," the being fumbled for a minute before turning around, "I am the Vision of my creator."

The voice was so similar to JARVIS that Steve expected Tony's next question even before it came.

"JARVIS?"

"I am not JARVIS," the being, the Vision said, "even though I seem to have his coding and a few of his memories. And I am not your creation either, Tony Stark."

"How do we trust you?" Steve asked and the Vision turned to look at him with clear, piercing blue eyes.

"I don't want to kill Ultron. He's unique... and he's in pain. But that pain will roll over the Earth. So he must be destroyed: every form he's built, every trace of his presence on the 'net. We have to act now, and not one of us can do it without the others. Maybe I am a monster. I don't think I'd know if I were one. I'm not what you are and not what you intended. So there may be no way to make you trust me." the being said calmly and then, in a move that stunned everyone, lifted Mjolnir and handed it to Thor, "We must go now. Before it is too late."

"We need him to defeat Ultron,"  Thor said instead of acknowledging the other monumental moment, "Stark is right"

"Oh,  it's definitely the end of the world," Bruce commented and Steve saw Tony tense for a minute but then Bruce cleared his throat and moved to act a bit busier, probably a bit embarrassed by his slip up.

Steve watched Thor talk to Vision in private, a quick discussion before they all gathered inside the quinjet. Steve was about to move forward to the control when Tony caught his arm.

"Hey, Cap," Tony said hesitatingly and Steve looked at the hand but then Tony moved back less smooth than he would have before. Steve didn't say a word but did keep his expression neutral and a bit open, waiting till Tony continued.

"I just - ," Tony paused and collected his thoughts before continuing, "I just wanted to say this because chances are that we might not make it out of this one alive. Just, thanks."

"Thanks?"

"For being part of the best team anybody could ask for," Tony said in a rare moment of complete honesty and no sarcasm. Steve knew that things had gone wrong and that Tony was somehow stuck at the middle of it, but right in that moment, he saw the man who had trusted him without question in a New York's battlefield when he told him to make a call.

He saw Iron Man.

"We'll get through this, Shellhead," he said with a small smirk on his lips when Tony raised an eyebrow at the endearment, "And if not, I've got no plans for tomorrow."

"Well, that's good," Tony said on a breath and with a tight smile added, "I promise, I'm gonna take the first shot when we get him. It's Iron Man he's after."

"Yes, it is you he hates the most," Vision said from behind them and moved past them, getting ready to leave. The Maximoff twins were joining them, even though they still held and fostered a hatred for Tony. Steve said that they wanted to save the world.

Tony didn't comment on that and avoided interaction with both of them.

When they reached Sokovia, Tony found Ulton waiting for them. And then he showed them the master plan, the vibranium core device that would blow up the entire region.

"How do we do this?" Natasha asked when they fought the minion bots and tried to secure the core.

"Like the old man said," Tony quipped turning his metal head in Steve's direction, "Together."

It was a losing war from the beginning, but they would be damned if they didn't fight it.

****

A floating city. An entire floating city. Tony felt like throwing up at his calculations. There was no way they could save everyone and whichever part they chose to save, they would be sending the others to their doom. He heard Steve and Natasha talk on the comm, saying that they wouldn't leave till the end.

This was a suicide mission, Tony thought to himself, and there was no way they would get out of this as a whole. Tony didn't believe in miracles in general but in that moment he hoped for one. Any miracle.

He hadn't known that it would come in the form of a Hellicarrier and Nick Fury. Along with the back up from the best man Tony needed.

"Okay, now this is a fight," Rhodey whooped as he joined Tony to hold his back in the fight, "let's go Tones, I can hold my own."

"If we get out of this, I'll hold your back," Tony said nonsensically in his euphoria at having Rhodey by his side.

"Man, you always make it weird," Rhodey chuckled and both of them circled the floating city, destroying bots as they flew. 

The others were alternating between loading the people onto the Carrier and keeping Ultron's bots off the streets. Tony could hear Natasha and Clint on the comm as they barked orders to evacuate, Steve,Vision and Thor matching strengths against the bots, the Maximoff boy speeding through the streets as he moved people and the little witch was guarding the core. It was down to the last stage, almost everyone pulled on board when Ultron seemed to lose his patience and the bots began firing at the Avengers. 

It was by sheer luck that Tony caught sight of Clint jumping down to save a random kid. It was even dumber luck that he caught sight of the Maximoff boy rushing to save them. Diving down at Mach 4, Tony swooped both of them and ignored the bullets that hit his armor, depositing the two grown men and the kid behind a car.

"Three packages delivered!" Tony quipped and flew away, "Get off your asses and run!"

"Good save, asshole!" Clint laughed into the comm and Pietro laughed too, a shaky thing of being alive and Tony went on with his earlier route. 

They ended up saving most of the region and Tony was proved right when Vision finally obliterated Ultron even as Wanda used her powers to decapitate the bots she could.

Still, Tony saw the lives they hadn't saved and knew that it was on him.

He had invariably become the Merchant of Death again.

********

Tony refused to meet either of the Maximoff twins after they had returned from Sokovia. He couldn't bring himself to talk to them or meet them without their earlier words of him killing their parents. He wished he could deny it all, wished that he could throw it back at their faces saying that it wasn't him. That they couldn't blame him for what NATO did. That he was just the manufacturer, the science behind the weapon.

He couldn't bring it in him to say any of it. So he avoided them like the plague.

"What is your problem?"

It's Clint in the end who came marching in and Tony had a million problems to throw at him but he knew exactly what Clint was asking about. 

"I'm retiring. Nothing more to say or do," Tony replied without any inflection in his tone.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Tony," Clint said firmly, "Would you look at me when I'm talking, dickhead?"

"You've got a missus to look at your ugly mug, Barton," Tony smirked and turned around to raise an eyebrow at Clint's serious expression, "Oh give me a break, Bird Brain. What's the big deal?"

"Apart from you avoiding everyone?"

"Or them avoiding me," Tony corrected and Clint rolled his eyes.

"Oh come on, don't start on that!"

"On what?"

"The woe is me rant," Clint said pointedly and Tony laughed bitterly. Clint sighed and clapped him on the shoulder, "Look, I know that you're wary of Wanda and Pietro, no don't make that face, I know that. But Tony, they're not so bad."

"I know," Tony lied and Clint raised an eyebrow when he seemed to see through the lie, "Barton, just let it go, will you? I'm busy, you're a free man. Go back home."

"I will," Clint nodded, "But so should you."

Tony didn't comment on anything and Clint let it go, squeezing Tony's shoulder once before leaving for his farmhouse.

Tony submitted his resignation officially and didn't meet Steve's eyes when he did so, wearing his mask of indifference firmly. The new Avengers Compound was alien and strange for him and nobody else really wanted to meet him. He understood that and didn't act like it affected him.

It was Thor who caught up with him when he had gone to the restroom.

"This is a familiar scene in most murder mysteries," Tony commented when the blond God came in and stood by the closed door, watching Tony splash water onto his face.

"You are Teddy," Thor said simply and Tony stilled before huffing bitterly.

"Really? We're gonna do that now? Fine, go at it," Tony turned and gestured to himself, "Take your shot"

Thor didn't take his shot. Instead he simply stared at Tony, searching for something in his face. Tony held himself tight, feeling numb inside but keeping his head high. Finally Thor sighed, a big deep breath, and moved forward.

Tony bit back a flinch when a hand came up but it didn't hit him. Instead, Thor grabbed Tony's shoulder in a surprisingly gentle hold.

"You are a liar, Anthony," he said and Tony didn't hide his flinch all that well but Thor continued, "You live a lie instead of facing the truth. You do not see what is and seek to see what could be."

"Thanks, buddy," Tony croaked out but Thor looked at him pointedly before continuing.

"Thank you" he said and Tony blinked.

"What?"

"You are not hard of hearing, Anthony," Thor said in an amused tone and Tony shook his head.

"Uh, I think I am right now," Tony said, "You're thanking me for what? For being a screw up?"

"I think the reason for my gratitude is something you need to realize on your own some day, Anthony," Thor said with a slightly fond look before he slapped Tony on his back, "But for now, we must leave. I believe Heimdall awaits my return."

Steve walked both of them out and Tony laughed when Thor ruined the lawn with his portal energy. Steve shook his head with an amused look and both of them continued to walk towards Tony's car.

"I will miss you, Tony," Steve said as they reached the flashy orange Audi and Tony swallowed hard but shrugged.

"I think it's time to tap out, Cap" he said lightly and Steve looked at him knowingly but thankfully didn't press the matter.

"So what's your plan after this?" he asked instead and Tony, the fool that he was, caught onto the first thing he could think of.

"Maybe follow Barton's route. Build a farmhouse and take a break?"

"You sure Pepper would like that?" Steve asked with a skeptical smile and Tony froze for a second before he remembered that no one knew of his break up with Pepper.

"Pretty sure she'd like a getaway," he said with a laugh before taking in Steve's tired look, "Hey, you okay?"

Steve took a deep breath and looked in the direction of the Compound.

"I'm home" he said and Tony knew how much of a lie that was but simply nodded with a forced smile.

 _I hope you find him_ , he wanted to say.

"Bye, Cap," he said instead and slipped into his car, nodding at Steve one last time before he drove out of the Avengers facility.

Leaving the team he had made his family.

*****

_Steve: Hey, you there?_

_Teddy: Yeah, what's up Brooklyn?_

_Steve: You saw the news didn't you?_

_Teddy: About your floating city? Yeah._

_Teddy: You okay?_

_Steve: I don't know_

Tony laughed at that, a hollow sound as he nursed an ice-pack to his bruised shoulder after an unsuccessful attempt with the War Machine's upgrades.

"Such a liar," he muttered to himself as he thought of Steve's different answer before.

_Teddy: You still got a team?_

_Steve: Yeah. It's not what we .._

_Steve: It's a new bunch._

_Teddy: You trust them?_

_Steve: Yes_

_Teddy: You've got friends? People you care about?_

_Steve: Why do you think I'm texting you?_

At that Tony's fingers stilled but he swallowed the lump in his throat and continued.

_Teddy: Then know that you'll be okay some day. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But seriously Brooklyn, as long as you've got people by your side, actual people who trust you and whom you can trust, you should know that you'll be okay._

_Steve: You're being deep today. What's wrong?_

_Teddy: Hey, I'm deep as a well, Steven. Hush you._

_Steve: Whatever_

_Teddy: You're not actually a teenager, you know frat-boy?_

_Steve: I'm not the one who geeks out over lightsabers, Ted_

_Teddy: Lightsabers are divine, Steve!_

_Steve: Geek alert!_

_Teddy: Fuck you_

_Steve: Not today, dear_

_Teddy: You'd be lucky to get a chance, Neanderthal_

_Steve: With that sweet talk, sure_

_Teddy: Seriously, Brooklyn_

_Steve: Seriously what, Teddy bear?_

_Teddy: You'll be okay_

_Steve:..._

_Steve: How do you know that?_

_Teddy: Because I'm not gonna let you be anything else. My powers of pestering are awesome and I can annoy you into being okay. Try me._

_Steve: You're a dick_

_Teddy: Biologically correct_

_Steve: Shut up_

_Teddy: I'm literally not talking now_

_Steve: Shut up._

_Steve: Ted?_

_Teddy: Yeah?_

_Steve: Thanks_

_Teddy: You know what I'll say to that, darling_

_Steve: Anytime_

_Teddy: Anytime_

\--

_Teddy: Floating city, Clint?_

_Clint: Do not make a floating island joke, I will hunt you down._

_Teddy: You ruin all my fun._

_Teddy: You okay?_

_Clint: I'm awesome_

_Teddy: Fine, go screw yourself_

_Clint: You're not convincing anyone. Quit being a touchy flower._

_Teddy: I was worried_

_Clint: Oh stop it_

_Teddy:..._

_Clint: You're serious_

_Teddy: Forget it_

_Clint: Nell_

_Clint: Hey, dick_

_Clint: Ted, come on..._

_Clint: Urgh, I'm fine, I swear. Back at home and everything._

_Clint: Dude, it's all fine. I swear._

_Teddy: I was just busy playing Wii. Not moping._

_Clint: You're a shitty liar even in texting._

_Teddy: You need a swear jar_

_Clint: Stop Laura-ing me and tell me about the game..._

_\--_

_Teddy: So_

_Natasha: I'm busy_

_Teddy: You replied in .7 seconds. You're not busy._

_Natasha: Fuck off_

_Teddy: Bruce is missing? News said it._

_Natasha: I will kill you Teddy C Nell_

_Teddy: Bruce is a dick_

_Natasha:..._

_Teddy: He is. And you're better off with your sharp knives than a blunt tool like him._

_Natasha: Okay, I might spare you this time_

_Teddy: I love you too sis_

_Natasha: Pain of death, Theodore_

_Teddy: It will be a sweet, sweet death, my lady_

_Natasha: You're weird_

_Teddy: Tell me something new. So listen, there was this new Muay Thai move that I saw in this video on ..._

_\--_

_Teddy: You're a dick_

_Bruce: Don't text me_

_Teddy: Natasha deserves better_

_Bruce: Why do you think I left? And seriously don't text me._

_Teddy: If somebody had to get to you through my texts, they would have got to you already. And don't be a bigger dick. You leaving her does not make things better for her_

_Bruce: You're playing agony aunt now?_

_Teddy: Bruce, come on_

_Bruce: I have to go_

_Teddy: Heard that it was some scary witch powers that made you guys do it all at first._

_Bruce: Don't wanna talk about it_

_Teddy: Heard you left your science bro alone too. Doesn't seem all that cool._

_Bruce: Yeah, well, he deserved it. After all that happened..._

"Yeah, well he deserved it"

The words were like a punch to his gut and Tony thanked the fates that he hadn't held anything breakable in his hand. 

 _He deserved it_. Bruce actually thought that Tony deserved whatever he was left with right now. He laughed again hoarsely and shut the phone. He wished he could tell Bruce, tell them all that it was him. That he was Teddy. Thor hadn't revealed it to anyone before he left and Tony sometimes wondered if that was more of a punishment than a gift. He wished he could reveal this secret.

He couldn't though, not now. He couldn't take that away from them because there was nothing else to compensate it with. Tony was never going to be Teddy. He was never going to be pure and untouched by misery or a cursed life. He was never going to be without the baggage of blood, mistakes and a falling city.  

He broke and let that one tear fall, never ending in the blood trail it left in its wake. Because Tony had died in a falling city and Tony Stark had survived it without his soul. All that remained of him was Teddy and that he had already given to his family. 

So he sat there in his destroyed home and mourned for the death of a man who would never know what family meant, even as he let himself wrap an illusion around whatever was left of him. He had nothing left to give to his team, nothing other than the lie of a friend who was not as broken as him. If that was all he could give, Tony decided, it would be done.

As he closed his eyes to the silence of a dead British friend and hum of a newborn American one, he let himself believe the lie, so he could make it come true. There was no Tony behind Teddy. There could never be. Teddy was loved and needed. Tony would never be.

And that was okay.

His phone beeped incessantly again and he picked it up after the first seven beeps.

_Steve: Hey, you okay? Tried messaging a couple of times._

_Teddy: Yeah buddy, I'm fine._

He would be fine, Tony thought to himself.

After all, he had enough experience about being alone and guilty.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is UP with characters NEVER dealing with their consequences, well, characters apart from Tony(Charles Spencer's mom and probably a HORDE of others) or Bucky (don't make me start here!) at least? *head banging desk*  
> Anyway, like I said earlier, AoU's script in many parts made me cringe because it really was OOC in major areas. Feedback, please? <3


	8. An Abundance Of Grief

The truth was always ironic in Tony's life and it didn't look like that was changing anytime soon. In the current case, there were two truths that presented the irony.

1\. The Avengers loved Teddy. They  _loved_ him. To an extent that Natasha asked Teddy if he'd be willing to make more friends (Wanda and Pietro). They trusted him and wasn't that the strangest thing, because they hadn't even met him. They never spoke about missions or locations, but what they did share was information that was far more precious than those. 

2\. At the same time, they also hated Tony. Well, okay, maybe 'hated' was too strong a word. Disliked? Yes, disliked was probably closer. Distrusted was quite near bulls-eye. Wary was spot on. He funded them, they stayed civil when he visited,  _if_ he visited. He looked into their tech, they saved the world when it needed saving. It was polite. 

Tony hated it. He also accepted it because he knew that one side of the truth depended on the other.

He was being a friend as Teddy and a fund as Tony. It was maddening and sometimes he wondered if he was still sane. Rhodey didn't call when he was at the Compound and didn't talk about it when he came over for dinner or just a chat. He always eyed Tony with a tired look though. Tony always pretended to not notice that.

Like he thought, ironic and wasn't changing anytime soon.

He couldn't really fret about it though, partly because Teddy was the only reason he was still holding on to some semblance of calm and partly because never before had he experienced a slap of reality like he did following Sokovia. The guilt was never ending and it seemed like it was shadowing every step of his. He tried compensating for it by throwing money, the only thing he had as much as he had guilt, but it never seemed enough. Nothing seemed enough. Not helping in rebuilding the city as much as possible, not creating trust funds for the families who had lost everything, not shielding his team from the wrath of the world.

Nothing was enough to make the guilt go away. It was deep rooted in his mind, in his brain, seared into his memories.

Tony decided to change his memories themselves. Project BARF began within months of Sokovia and Tony employed the best minds to look into it. Meanwhile, he lived two lives and took comfort, however twisted it may be, in the fact that at least one of them was happy. 

He would be flying to Japan for a few new negotiations of technology and a dumb picture of Clint's new dog, Lucky, would make him smile after the most tense flight. He would be driving back from a scientist's lab in LA and snap a picture of a kid wearing a Captain America t-shit to send it to Steve, only to get a dry comment about the kid being too cute for the t-shirt, making Tony bark a laugh for no reason. He would be listening to the rare old rock classics and suddenly feel the inspiration to send Natasha a Spotify playlist about badass women and get a wink smiley in return. Sometimes Sam would text through Steve's phone and Tony would spend time ribbing about Steve to the guy who promised him a flying ride if he got Steve to blush. Tony won that round with a single text that got him a picture of a red-eared Steve. He never talked about the Maximoffs but then slowly they started slipping into conversations and he didn't feel panic every time they were mentioned.

Of course, then there were the gifts. 

Where Tony Stark kept track of the team's tech, equipments and funding, Teddy got to be more personal and creative.

_Steve: Okay, what is this?_

_Teddy: Hello, random crazy person who thinks I am omnipresent._

_Steve: You sent me a bed_

_Teddy: No_

_Steve: Uh, yes. It was delivered this morning._

_Teddy: No, I sent you a mattress._

_Steve: You're not funny_

_Teddy: I'm totally funny and I know the difference between mattresses and beds. Now, why are you freaking out over my mattress?_

_Steve: Because you sent it to me! Why did you send it to me?_

_Teddy: It's a gift, Brooklyn. Don't you guys get gifts anymore?_

_Steve: Don't try that running 'round in circles with me, mister._

_Teddy: ... Did you just 'mister' me?_

_Teddy: That's so hot, my gawd, I'm swooning!_

_Steve: You are literally the worst_

_Steve: Why did you send me a mattress, Ted?_

_Teddy: For you to sleep._

_Steve: I'm not homeless. I do own a bed._

_Teddy: Yes, but you don't like it._

_Steve: ...What?_

_Teddy: You told me, remember? A long time back? About how you don't understand the modern world sometimes and yada yada? You said you can't sleep. I had some time on my hands and did some poking around the net. Beds around here and now aren't the same, are they?_

_Steve: But...mattress?_

_Teddy: It's hard. Harder than the usual 'comfort' ones. Will give you a shitty back sometimes, but..._

_Teddy: For someone who wants the world to sleep at peace, you're not great at applying that philosophy to yourself, darling. Somebody has to do that for you._

_Steve: I don't need help. I'm fine._

_Teddy: Brooklyn, everybody needs help._

_Steve: Really? Then who's helping you?_

_Teddy: You guys._

_Steve: Right. How, by texting you?_

_Teddy: Steve, sometimes all someone needs is acknowledgement. You, all of you do that for me._

_Teddy: If a shitty mattress is something I can do in return, darling, take it and get some fucking sleep._

_Teddy: The world isn't going to look at you strange if you do. It is also not going to fall off its axis if you close your eyes_

_Steve: It's...not that simple_

_Teddy: It's still a start, isn't it Brooklyn?_

_Steve:..._

_Steve: It's a good mattress_

_Teddy: I know, buddy. You're not bad too._

\--

_Natasha: Next time send dark chocolate_

_Teddy: No manners. How novel._

_Natasha: Coming from your heathen self, I'll take that as a compliment. Remember, dark chocolate._

_Teddy: Did you finish the entire bunch or did Sam manage to get a bite in?_

_Natasha: I don't share chocolate. You know that._

_Teddy: That's adorable_

_Natasha: Make that dark chocolate and your eyeballs_

_Teddy: Sometimes I think you're being serious_

_Natasha: That's adorable_

_Teddy: Touche._

_____

_Steve: THIS IS SAM_

_Teddy: I CAN READ JUST FINE EVEN IN SENTENCE CASE, SAM_

_Sam: I broke Natasha's phone and I need a free pass. Help._

_Teddy: Tell her Rhodey broke it_

_Sam: That'll work? Won't Rhodey get hurt?_

_Teddy: Care about your own life, Wilson. She can kill you with her nails._

_Sam: Good point._

_Teddy: I'll plan for Rhodes' funeral._

_Teddy: And give Steve back his phone, you imp._

_\---_

_Clint: Nate bit my nipple_

_Teddy: Did you bleed milk?_

_Clint: No_

_Teddy: Ah, well. Still a mammal though._

_Clint: I feel for Laura. It hurts._

_Teddy: It must have hurt even when you -_

_Teddy: Let's change the subject_

_Clint: good idea._

_\---_

_Clint: Hey, you having phone sex with Cap yet?_

_Teddy: What_

_Clint: Apparently you two are flirting?_

_Teddy: What_

_Clint: I have it from excellent sources_

_Teddy: Natasha is a troll, Clinton!_

_Clint: So, no to phone sex._

_Teddy: I hope Nate chews your nipple off completely._

_Clint: ...That was weird_

_Teddy: I know. Still._

_\---_

_Steve: Why is Natasha telling me to ask you to liberate the D?_

_Steve: What D is she talking about?_

_Steve: Hello? Ted?_

_Teddy: Next time you want to kill me just say so_

_____

_Teddy: You dick_

_Natasha: Pretty sure that's Steve_

_Teddy: Get yourself some soul_

_Natasha: Sold it for chocolate._

_Teddy: I'll send you more_

_Natasha: Still not stopping_

_Teddy: That's because you're a dick_

_Natasha: Don't fetish me, Theodore_

_Teddy: I will send you jello_

_Natasha:...I'll tone down_

_\---_

_Steve: THIS IS SAM_

_Teddy: I AM SUFFICIENTLY WARNED_

_Sam: Are you single?_

_Teddy: Stop plotting with Natasha, Wilson._

_\---_

_Natasha: Hello, Theodore. I have been instructed to tell you to remove your cranium from your anus and ask Captain Rogers to indulge in copulation and spread endorphins everywhere._

_Teddy:..._

_Teddy: Vision? Don't ever touch Natasha's phone again._

_\---_

 

_Steve: Teddy?_

_Teddy: Yes, Brooklyn_

_Steve: The ice is maybe melting_

_Teddy: Good, darling. You deserve some summer._

_Steve: It was a good mattress_

_Teddy: You're a good person_

_Steve: So you keep saying._

_Teddy: And I'll say it always._

_Steve: Ted?_

_Teddy: Yeah?_

_Steve: You're pretty good too_

_Teddy: I try, darling_

_Steve: No, you succeed._

_Steve: Darling._

Tony might have cemented his path to hell but he couldn't resist reading that message again and again. Maybe if he read it hard enough, it would be true. Maybe he could be pretty good too. _  
_

************

Things got awkward when he visited the Compound and had no chances of avoiding people for long. Specifically two people who apparently had a long run of hating him. He won't tell it out loud but he isn't their biggest fan either.

He does however feel sorry for their past and pain, because not many know the loss of parents to be that significant in their lives. Tony does and he saw that Wanda and Pietro did too.

"You could do with better suits," he told them during one visit, without looking up from Sam's wings but still aware that Pietro was still in the room, just a few paces away.

"We are strong," Pietro replied after a beat, suspicion and doubt coloring his tone.

Tony shrugged a shoulder without looking up and worked out a kink in the left wing.

"Strong does not always equal bulletproof," he said quietly and reached for another tool, "Or immortal."

It was the best way he could tell the younger man that it was always better to be safe than sorry. The irony of that philosophy being a base for Ultron didn't escape his mind but he didn't voice it out loud and instead went on with his work, not acknowledging Pietro anymore.

When he was leaving, Steve told him that Pietro and Wanda had suggested body armor if possible. He didn't smirk but he did feel a mixture of smugness and relief as he drove back.

He didn't choose red for Wanda without intent. The blue for Pietro was definitely a surprise.

Natasha commented that he was trying to replicate himself and Steve. Tony told her that the comparison could not be any more different.

_Teddy: Do you think you could forgive someone for hurting you if you saw that they did it because they were hurting themselves and you think they could be different now?_

_Steve: I think everybody deserves a second chance, but I also think that you should do what you believe in. Not what the world tells you to do._

_Teddy: What if you can't forgive them even after trying?_

_Steve: Then you know that you tried._

During his next visit, Tony decided to meet Wanda properly.

"You messed up my head," he said.

"You messed up my life," she said.

"Does that make us even?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No," she said with a blank face, her brother hovering behind her.

"Good," he said with a small smile, "We've got similar thoughts then."

She doesn't choke him with her magic, so he counts that as a win. Pietro looks amused even and he counts that as suspicious.

Rhodey ruins the moment by coming in yelling about busting Pietro's ass and Tony laughs at the normalcy of it.

He still feels guilty and alone and edging on madness, but he figures that he's got other things to balance out for a while longer.

Of course, that's when Thaddeus Ross enters his life again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I guess? We're moving along towards more complicated times and Bucky is somewhere on the horizon. Till we meet again, feedback please? <3


	9. Etymology Of Disasters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a good person, I promise. I just...write.

Later, much later, Tony would identify BARF as the problem. Well, not as  **a** problem, but as the problem that worsened the situation for him. The stress of seeing things again and again, over and over in real time, of scabbing at unhealed wounds and pouring acid over healed ones - just to try and find a solution to the stifling troubles of million others who stayed trapped in the past of their minds. Days and weeks of poring over missed moments, last meetings, flickering candles, missed Christmases, falling lovers, falling friends, falling self; after excruciating and sweet endlessness of utilizing his brain for a technology and utilizing the technology on his brain, Tony should have known that he was emotionally compromised.

Later, much later, he would see that clearly. Not that it would change a thing, but he would acknowledge it nonetheless. He wouldn't regret it though and that seemed to have been the theme of every event that led to the ultimate one.

Like every disastrous domino fall though, this one too had a routine and the routine wasn't bad at all times.

\--

"So, you're finally taking a vacation at a time when the others are on a mission?" Tony asked without looking up from the tablet he was working on and heard Rhodey sigh on the phone.

"Only you would call cracking down a terrorist cell 'vacation', you know?" he asked dryly and Tony's lips kicked up in a small grin. In his head he's already trying to track and decipher codes that he hacked from Rhodey's scans but he  _knows_ that Rhodey knows he's doing it, so he figures that his best friend is going along with it.

"Honeybun, you get an adrenaline punch from these, don't act like I don't know about it," Tony snorted and Rhodey scoffed. 

" _I_ do not get adrenaline punches," Rhodey informed him dryly even though Tony could hear the teasing tone in his voice, "I get job satisfaction."

"Whatever you say, General Leia," Tony grinned and heard Rhodey's snort.

_Steve: So...what do normal people do on a vacation?_

Tony blinked for a second at his second phone and considered a million possibilities of Steve ever asking about a vacation. 

_Teddy: Like a romantic one or a I'm-too-tensed-to-do-anything-other-than-drink-coconuts one?_

_Steve: I'll do the first one when we're closer_

_Teddy:...what?_

"What?" Tony blinked at the screen

"What, what?" Rhodey asked on the other line and Tony cleared his throat before answering even as his eyes stuck to the Teddy-phone.

" **What** are you gonna do after the mission? We still on for the meet-and-greet with the Fujikawas?" Tony diverted Rhodey's attention from his faux-pas.

"Yeah..." Rhodey sounded suspicious but let it slide anyway, "Hey, I gotta go now. Have fun at the lecture."

"Presentation, honeybear, it's a presentation," Tony corrected with a grin and heard Rhodey snort.

"Whatever, Mr. Stark," Rhodey teased back before dropping a last word of suggestion, "Go easy, alright?"

"On the students? Psh, they need the -"

"Tones..."

Tony sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before answering.

"She's not gonna make it, Rhodes. You and I both know it," he said quietly.

"Nah man, you're the only one who knows that," Rhodey replied, "The Pepper I know is gonna make it. Just, go easy, alright?"

"On her? I don't think there's any risk there," Tony rolled his eyes.

"So maybe go easy on yourself," Rhodey said quietly before signing off, "Gotta go, man. Go break some eggs!"

"Yeah, yeah," Tony muttered with a small smile and cut the call, looking at the second phone's screen blankly. Rhodey's insistence of Pepper coming in for the presentation of BARF and announcement of the September Foundation Scholarship was built based on expectations alone, according to Tony. It wasn't that he was on bad terms with her. Pepper was far too close to him for them to drift completely apart over anything. They had a history, not unlike him and Rhodey's, which kept them together even if in barely formal tones. She hadn't left him alone completely, hadn't deserted him or done something equally dramatic. 

They just weren't the way they had always been. Fine-tuned. Like a smooth engine.

The event today at MIT was simple in terms but for Tony, it was a huge step forward. It was a step taken partly out of guilt but it was for the benefit of the future, of the present, so Tony counted that as a win. He was lost in his thoughts when his phone pinged.

_Steve: Sorry, had to do something urgent_

_Steve: I meant, when we're closer to getting me someone. God knows, between you and Nat it's going to happen someday_

_Teddy: Oh_

"Oh? What the hell, Stark," Tony mumbled under his breath and shot off another text.

_Teddy: Pal, you better pay us some big dough for all the trouble we're going to then. You are one picky guy, you know?_

_Steve: I know_

_Teddy: Humble Steve, real humble_

_Steve: Is it wrong to want the best?_

_Teddy: it is if it's your idea of the best, Mr. Oh-I-Just-Wanted-The-Perfect-Specimen-Of-Everything. People have faults, you know. You're such a snob._

_Steve: I'm not looking for someone perfect, come on!_

_Teddy: Realllly..._

_Steve: You cannot be talking about the last date attempt. No. Just...no_

_Teddy: Talking about Mein Kampf to scare someone away is a tad too cruel, hot stuff_

_Steve: She was demeaning_

_Teddy: Uh, yeah. About Justin Bieber._

_Steve: Doesn't matter_

_Teddy: Sure. Doesn't matter as long as it's not the Yankees._

_Steve: When you're right, you're right_

_Teddy: Urgh. I don't get paid enough to play your matchmaker. I quit. Let Nat drive you crazy._

_Steve: You don't get paid anything to play my matchmaker. I told you not to do it even. You're the one who grouped with Nat._

_Teddy: Grouped? Did you just say 'grouped'? What, is this like 'moxie'?_

_Steve: I'm bringing moxie back, I told you. It's going to be very 'in'_

_Teddy: When moxie becomes in, we'll have an apocalypse._

_Steve: You're ridiculous_

_Teddy: But you still like me_

Tony froze and glared at his traitorous fingers. Did he just type that? Stupid brain, stupid fingers, stupid -

_Steve: Yeah, I do_

"What the hell" Tony breathed out and felt his heart race.

_Steve: Though I still want to know about vacation ideas_

Tony breathed a bit easier and pondered about the question before typing.

_Teddy: Well, usually I'd recommend somewhere by the sea. You're not relaxing till you're not sunbathing by the waves. Maybe a nice little cottage and some fun cocktails by the side._

_Steve:..._

_Steve: And you recommend that now?_

_Teddy: Nah, like I said, I'd do that normally. For you though...that doesn't seem right_

_Steve: Really? What would you recommend for me then?_

_Teddy: Some place with history_

_Steve: Because I'm a relic?_

_Teddy: You've got a strange sense of humor, Brooklyn. And don't try baiting me, I'm thinking. You're a history buff, right? You like books, you like stories, you look to the past for strength, you look up to role models from the past, and you..._

_Steve: I?_

_Teddy: You've got memories to fill. Can't cram it all up in lists, can we?_

_Steve: Sometimes I don't know if I should be offended or glad that you say things the way you do_

_Teddy: Be offended, always be offended. It's fun offending you_

_Steve: Sure, Ted_

_Teddy: You're doing your eye-roll. Aren't you? That's your eye-roll Ted._

_Steve: Suuure, Ted_

_Teddy: Sassy old ass_

_Steve: Bitchy old nose_

_Teddy: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE_

_Steve: Well, neither do you :P_

_Teddy: Whatever. So why the vacation plans?_

"Boss, we're here," the driver called out from the front and Tony jerked back to the present, looking out to see his old university. 

_Teddy: Sorry Brooklyn, gotta go._

_Teddy: Hey, try Venice. I think you'll like it._

Shutting off his phone, Tony got out of his car and straightened up, staring up at the venue of his presentation. Taking a deep breathe, he put on his sunglasses and walked forward.  _Time to change the future_.

*****

"Eyes up Cap, time to halt the flirting and start the mission," Natasha reminded Steve and the Captain thankfully didn't blush as he snapped his phone shut and got up. They had a mission to fulfill and hopefully, this would be the last day of it, Steve thought. Crossbones had given them six months of trouble and now that they were in Lagos, finally close to success, they had to make sure to avoid any mistake.

It was a simple plan, one they should have gotten away with easily. They had their heavy-hitters and they had trained well for this. There was no room for mistakes.

But of course, as every surety goes, this one failed too. That wasn't the most surprising part though, because even a sure mission could falter. What shook Steve to the bones was that the mission had failed because of him. Because of his distraction.

_"Your pal. Your buddy. Your Bucky"_

Rumlow's words echoed in his head even as he went about the fire and safety operations, trying to evacuate civilians trapped in the burning building. Trying to save those who had been endangered because of his slip. At a distance he could hear the wailing, the angry shouts and disbelieving curse words from the citizens around them, he could sense the shock and panic as people ran towards and away from the scene of disaster. He could also hear Natasha's tense words to people, doing the same thing he was doing as she guided and helped the fire rescue personnel the best way she could. Steve hoped, with every part of his exhausted self, he hoped that his mistake hadn't cost them too high a price.

But what was too high a price? Who set the bar for that? Was 500 high enough? Wasn't 5 the same?

In the end, it was still high, still death and still on Steve.

Eleven people died that day, all because Steve felt like a confused and troubled sixteen year old again. All because the boy from Brooklyn had overpowered the man in Lagos.

And this time, as always, there was no changing the past.

****

Tony was a man of masks. There was the mask of being a playboy before Iron Man, the armor itself after Afghanistan, the philanthropy after Avengers Initiative, Teddy after that and now -

Well, now he didn't know what mask he was wearing. He had stripped himself bare, the most vulnerable parts of him, the parts he had never let people in on. It was all out in the open and presented with care. For nobody's approval. For everybody's approval maybe. 

As he watched himself, a much younger and much more naive himself, bluster and pout at his father and mother, Tony tried to capture the memory he had relived endless times over the past few weeks. It wasn't always the same one, neither did the same one always have the same ending. Some times he didn't touch the candle, letting it remain as a wish. Some times he placed a hand on his dad's shoulder. Some times he begged them to not go. Some times he left before they could leave.

This one though, this was his favorite. Not because he got to tell his father that he loved him. Definitely not because he could watch them both go in peace. It was because he could imagine feeling his mother's touch again. Her soft perfume, her kind eyes, her loving hands, her lingering kiss on his cheek - he could imagine them.

He didn't think it was possible to feel jealous of himself but in that moment, Tony did. It didn't help that he knew that they wouldn't die in a car crash. That they would be killed, by someone his father had trusted and his Steve had loved as a brother. Knowing that they had been murdered had done little to reduce the hurt but Tony had learnt, from past and self, that there were men who killed with want and those who killed with need. From what he knew, Barnes was a man who fell into a third category altogether. He seemed to be a man who killed without knowledge or control.

It was easy for people to claim that there was always a choice. But those were people who had not looked into the eyes of a mind-controlled genius who had killed people in Johannesburg. Those were people who had not seen a gentle and smart woman burning up from the inside with an injected virus as he had in Pepper. Those were not people who had read through Steve's panic filled texts in the middle of the night, reading him talk in poorly spun riddles about a good friend reduced to a machine. Those were people who had not known guilt of bloodied hands.

Tony, fortunately or unfortunately, was not among those people. He still couldn't imagine Bucky Barnes as a friend, not in a distant future. He still didn't know if he would ever be comfortable with him or this knowledge. But he couldn't blame him for this. He could hate him and dislike him with all his heart but blame was not an emotion Tony could bring up, not after having had time to think about it.

Grounding himself back in the present, Tony watched as the scene of his memory ended and stepped forward to address the enthralled audience. 

The speech was well written - hilarious in spots, serious in spades. Tony had a lifetime of showmanship at his side and flowed gracefully through the speech, engaging the audience as he went. He was almost done, almost at the end when the teleprompter flashed Pepper's name. His speech stuttered to a pause and he had to swallow hard to will his emotions to rest.

He was about to divert the attention and end the speech when he saw someone out of the corner of his eye, a woman in a beige dress stepping onto the stage. 

When Tony's eyes met Pepper's he was sure she could read the shock, confusion, happiness but most of all relief in his eyes. She must have, because she shot him a small smile, the kind she always did whenever she had to assure him that he wasn't alone.

"Hi" she whispered when she got closer and angled herself forward to wave at the audience.

"Hi" Tony grinned back and turned to the crowd with a flourish, "Ladies and gents, Pepper Potts!"

Pepper was a natural with people, probably on par with Tony but in her own style. She was calm when he flared, curt when he charmed, cold when he went hot and human when he ran with machines. He moved to the side swiftly, letting her take the stage like she rightfully deserved and watched as she spoke. People thought watching Tony speak was entertaining, but those who watched Pepper speak learnt that she was the informative side of it. They had always played off each other's strengths, and watching her take on that role again made Tony feel better than he had for weeks.

In the end, when Pepper ended her speech with a polite smile and a word of humor, she looked at Tony and he shot her a thumbs-up. Shaking her head, she walked off stage and joined him backstage, a soft smile on her face.

"Winning fans and followers again, Ms.Potts?" he asked with a smirk and Pepper rolled her eyes good naturedly.

"I think that was always your department, wasn't it?" she asked with a teasing tone and Tony shrugged in agreement. There was an awkward silence following it and Tony was about to blurt something stupid, anything to break the mood when Pepper took a step forward and hugged him.

"This is where you hug me back," she whispered when Tony remained stock still for a few seconds and Tony recovered enough to comply with a breath of relief he hadn't known he had needed.

"Pepper..." the name was a whisper, a plea, a word of gratitude wrapped in a breath and Pepper understood. She always understood, even when she didn't want to.

"It's okay, Tony. It's okay," she said quietly and Tony knew that she was talking about something bigger than their shattered relationship. He loved her, she loved him, that would always be a constant. But a love like theirs wasn't rigid in form or space. They had loved each other as friends, colleagues, lovers and now...

Now Tony felt like he could love her as just Pepper again. His lodestone, his rock of consistency, his friend.

"Yeah, it's okay," he answered and Pepper leaned back to shoot him a grin before reaching for his hand and leading the way out, brushing off the over-enthusiastic dean who was fluttering in the background for Tony's attention. They were almost there, almost out when they were stopped by a woman standing in font of an elevator.

Pepper's hand tightened in his when Tony engaged the woman in conversation, but Tony didn't realize that it was a warning till the disaster had begun.

******

"It wasn't you fault," Pepper said over the phone as he drove to the Compound, her voice exasperated even over the line, "You know that right? I get that you think it was, that you think everything is your fault, but this one isn't."

"It doesn't matter, Pep," Tony muttered as he focused on the road ahead with a grim look, "It's not going to matter."

"I'm talking about Lagos and not Spencer," Pepper said bluntly, because she was Pepper and she had been there when Charles Spencer's mom had accused him of murder. She had been the one who had intervened when the photo had been slapped to his chest. She had been the one who had offered to accompany Tony to the Compound when the news about Lagos came, but Tony couldn't drag her into this. He needed her to stay on the outer circle, to be the unbiased ear he could go to when things would go down the rabbit hole.

Still, he meant when he told her that it didn't matter what he thought. He would still feel the guilt. Charles or Johannesburg  or Lagos - it never mattered. He would still come under the scanner and now he would see his team come along too.

"Tony, listen," Pepper went on with a low tone, calm and grounding in her confidence, "You know I don't think the Avengers are the safest hands or judge and jury. But I've seen enough of the missions to know that they're needed too. Yes, I know, shocking, me thinking so. But it's true."

"Never thought you'd say this, did you?" Tony teased as he turned into the Compound.

"No, but I think there is a lot of things we've grown into," she answered and Tony shut his eyes at the fond tone of understanding, "Tony, the world has changed in the last decade. Some things more than they should have. People like change but only when it suits them. Yes, I know it's selfish and sounds unreasonable but we live in an unreasonable world. There are aliens who are considered on par with humans. There are gods living among us. Nothing makes sense and we have to make sense of everything."

"You sound cynical, Pep"

"Maybe because I am," Pepper replied with a small laugh before she continued seriously, "The world needs the Avengers, Tony. I can admit that now. Just as the world needs security forces like the police. But even the police and law enforcement need regulation. _Especially_ the police and law enforcement. When you have endless power and it is unbridled, there danger of protectors becoming destroyers is very real. There is a thin line, Tony. An extremely thin line of difference between the good guys and the bad."

"And that lies in the intent," Tony chimed in but Pepper disagreed.

"That lies in accountability," Pepper said quietly, "Intent is all good but if you cannot take responsibilities for your actions, if you cannot be open to regulation, resolution and redemption, then you aren't suitable to hold the mantle of a protector."

"Maybe it's time to be the Protectors and not just Avengers"

Tony could hear that statement even as he went up the elevator to meet his old team, knowing that Thaddeus Ross was already there in the conference room. It felt good to have sound advice in his ear and a renewed friendship in his heart.

With that confidence, he settled down, waiting for the Avengers to trickle into the conference room and read the Sokovia Accords - something he knew would change the game.

For better or worse was something he had yet to see.

********

Steve was still rattled by Wanda's guilt and Rumlow's jabs as he entered the conference room to meet Tony and Secretary Ross. His eyes met Tony's and he thought he saw the genius shoot a tentative smile his way but it was gone in a flash when Ross cleared his throat imperiously. Steve noted how Tony wasn't sitting with them and sat aside, behind them in a slightly darker corner, elbows on his knees and eyes flitting between his phone and the team settling down.

Steve wished for a minute that Tony would join them on the main table but he couldn't say anything, being successfully diverted when Rhodes walked in with purpose, shooting a small grin and nod Tony's way before grabbing a chair near Natasha. Rhodey hadn't had a chance to speak with the team after Lagos but Steve knew from Sam that he had sent him a message saying that they'd talk when he got back from his own mission.

His thoughts were cut short when Ross began addressing them and the projector came to life, the beginning of a long hour.

Halfway through, Steve felt his head spin. The words, the implications, the tone of the whole business sounded so similar to a stifling and controlling environment, of a repeat performance of SHIELD. Not to mention,  _Ross_ making the implications he was, of  _Ross_ being put in charge of something as big as the Accords were made to be was a red alert in itself.

He turned to chance a look at Tony, to try and catch a glimpse of solidarity but Tony was busy with his phone and looked up with a carefully blank look. Steve didn't know what that meant, didn't know what he must have shown.

But he did find out something by the end of the hour long talk. Tony Stark was definitely for the Accords.

And in Steve's mind, he could never agree with that. 

*****

Tony watched as Ross left the room and got up to lead him out, but not before shooting one last look at the message he had sent Steve.

_Teddy: Brooklyn, heard about Lagos. You okay?_

_Teddy: Hey, listen, I'm gonna be busy for a couple of days. So don't panic if I don't reply, okay? I'm fine._

_Teddy: And don't worry about what happened. I'm sure you'll do what is right._

Tony hoped that he was right in his belief.

He hoped that Steve would hear him out and work with him in resolving the situation.

With that hope in mind, he left Ross at the entrance and went back into the Compound, to help his team out of the hole they seemed to have fallen into.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...how much do you hate me? Let me know in your feedback? <3
> 
> We'll have the conflict, arguments, confusion and a few revelations in the next chapter. Hope you guys aren't bored yet :D


	10. You Are My Quagmire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch, ouch, ouch. Just, ouch.

If there was one word that could describe Tony succinctly and efficiently in the current scenario, it would be 'tired'. He felt tired physically, remnants of the electromagnetic headache he was nursing still nagging at his nerves. He was tired mentally, the threats unsaid by Ross resonating loudly in his head. He was tired emotionally, the thought of losing the team completely and watching it get shredded hurting in a place he didn't even know still existed.

Altogether, Tony felt tired, bone and soul, both aching deeply. 

He tried to zone out the bickering between Rhodey and Sam when it dwindled down to basic banter and rolled his eyes when Sam chose blind idealism over realistic dangers. 

"Tony?" he heard Natasha call out and opened one eye to see her considering him with a calculating but amused look, "You're being surprisingly non-hyper verbal."

Tony opened his mouth to tell her that he really didn't know what to add to the current drivel when Steve piped up.

"That's because he's already decided what to do," Steve said with a touch of condescension and Tony looked at him dryly.

 _Well, either my **face** makes him an asshole or my **phone** hides his natural assholery_ , he thought hysterically for a second before getting up from the lounge settee.

"Boy, you know me so well," he shot back at Steve and went towards the kitchen to get himself some water and swallow down some pain medication, "I'm actually nursing an electromagnetic headache. Pain, Cap...that's all there is left....Who's leaving coffee grounds in the disposal?"

He glared at the mess like it was the cause of his tiredness and turned around to shoot the others a look before pulling out his phone and flicking out a photograph.

Maybe that was where it started. Maybe bringing Charles Spencer into the mix was where the whole confusion started. Later, much later, Tony would think back to that moment and wonder how Steve had not seen the necessity for regulation in the face of such a bold proof.

At present though, he didn't have time for that thought. Things derailed in the conversation, between Steve being blatantly against trusting any international organization that would have power over them, Rhodey calling out Steve's arrogance in holding themselves over everyone else, and Tony desperately trying to show them all that the Accords could be tackled if they stuck together, the only person echoing his sentiment being Natasha.

He was scrambling for something to convince the others better with when Steve's phone pinged and he excused himself from the room. Tony's eyes followed him and something felt wrong about the stiffness in the Captain's shoulders.

Of course, when his own phone pinged seconds later, he understood the reason with clarity.

"Are you sure this is a wise move?" Natasha asked when she piled into the carand looked at Tony.  Steve had left with Sam for the funeral of Aunt Peggy a while ago and Tony hadn't made any move to leave till they had. Once they had left, he had planned to quietly slink away and mourn in peace, alone, when Sharon had called.

_"You're coming," she said as soon as he picked up the call._

_"That's really not how you ask questions, Agent Carter," Tony quipped without missing a beat and rubbed the bridge of his brows._

_"I'm not asking you to give a speech or meet people," she said firmly, her tone no-nonsense, something he **knew** was a defense mechanism to keep her voice strong, "But you will damn well come."_

_"People don't need a distraction today," he replied with a shake of his head to himself._

_"Don't count yourself so high," she countered blithely and Tony sighed at the tightly wound voice. They were dysfunctional, like every relationship Tony had from the past, but they were still relatively family. Sharon was not really a cousin but she was the only one Tony would ever deem to call one if nagged about. Having had different experiences and completely different receptions to the inspiration that had been Peggy Carter, they were not all that similar in their demeanor. But they were also close enough to know that they could count on each other when matters truly came to need._

_"It's really not the best time -"_

_"It's Aunt Peggy, Tony," Sharon cut him short and yes, there was the slight hitch in her tone, "She'd -- she'd want you to be there."_

_"Sherry..." Tony took a deep breath rubbed at his forehead before exhaling, "I'm not giving a eulogy."_

_"You'd be a disaster anyway," Sharon commented with a hint of the old teasing they shared._

_"I could sing the Star Spangled Banner," Tony said mock-thoughtfully and heard Sharon snort lightly._

_"I arrange earmuffs for everyone then," she quipped before signing off, "Be there, you ass."_

_"That's Mr. Ass to you!" Tony retorted but she had already cut the call. He had asked Rhodey to come along at first, but Rhodey had to meet with some officials immediately so he was out of question._

_The person who tagged along was definitely not someone he had asked though._

 "Am I sure  **what's** a wise move? Going to my own godmother's funeral?" Tony raised an eyebrow at Nat as she met his gaze with an unwavering look.

"The Accords," she corrected and Tony reached out to set the rear camera angles right before answering.

"I think it's a necessity we can't brush off," he answered and felt her gaze on him for another minute, making him add, "And it's the only way to keep us all together. The only way we can fight anything. Together."

"Careful. You're starting to sound like Steve," Natasha quipped and Tony smirked slightly, feeling the tension dissipate in the car as he drove towards the church. The drive was silent, both Avengers thinking about their own problems and seeping in their own thoughts. Tony risked a glance in Natasha's direction as they neared their destination and saw her look a bit melancholic, a lost expression in her eyes. Maybe it was the unease of seeing the unflappable Natasha Romanoff sad or maybe it was the mood of the entire event in itself, something irked Tony enough to make him speak.

"You didn't have to come, you know?" he said and caught on to the sincerity in his own voice just as Natasha did, prompting him to try and mask it with flippancy, "I'm sure there won't be any paparazzi to snap up our gorgeous pics at a funeral."

"Then it's good that you don't look so hot," she replied and Tony snorted at the typical reply from the quick-witted woman, "Also, I'm not going for you. Well, just for you."

It didn't take Tony time to understand that she meant Steve and for a minute, just a minute, he wishes he could just chuck the whole distant game he's playing with her. For a minute he wishes that he could be the person with whom she could crack jokes with and make snarky observations about the others with.

For a minute he wishes he could tell her that he understands. That he knows why she wants to be there for Steve. That he's Teddy and he knows that Steve is almost her brother.

"That's good," he said without much thought and didn't catch Natasha's surprised look at his subdued voice or the thoughtful expression that passes over her face.

The funeral service went along without a hitch and Natasha went ahead to mingle with the crowd when Tony quietly stayed in the back. She didn't ask him anything and for that he was infinitely glad. He watched Steve be a pallbearer for Aunt Peggy and felt his heart constrict at the thoughts that must be swirling in Steve's head - to carry the coffin of the woman he had loved, the woman he had never caught a date with. For Tony, Peggy was a pillar of strength, of conviction and the kind of determination that kept the world spinning. He had never really told her this and she had never really asked for any appreciation from him. They had drifted apart a bit after the death of his parents, with Stane having played the barrier and keeping Peggy away by playing on Tony's distress, hurt, anger and grief. She had still sent him wishes every year for his birthday and he had made Pepper write thank you notes on his behalf for decades. 

Till Afghanistan. Till he had been woken from his slumber of self-indulgence. It was an irony of the greatest levels when Peggy had begun feeling sick right around that time and Tony could only meet with a poorly feeling woman rather than the woman he had once been close to. Sharon had become the bridge then, her initial caution and apprehension about the 'rich boy Stark' slowly but steadily giving way to an acceptance of friendship and family.

She had gone from Carter to Mini Peggy to Sharon to Sherry.

He had gone from Stark to Asshat to Iron Ass to Tony.

Peggy had once, during a lovely lucid time, told him with a mischievous glint in her eyes that she might even consider him better than his dad. He had retaliated to her mischief by covering her entire room with wallpaper of Iron Man's sculpted butt. 

Tony was shaken out from his memories when he saw Sharon step onto the podium to give Aunt Peggy's eulogy. He kept to the shadows and rolled his eyes with a small smile when he saw her begin her speech by revealing why she had chosen to keep her surname a secret. It had always been a running joke between them that their surnames were dead-weights that would one day drown them in expectations. 

He watched as she spoke about Aunt Peggy with pride and precision, recalling her life and motto. The line about compromise struck Tony as true, thinking about how they would be so much better if they tried to compromise at first and then, if met with resistance in undue manner, they could all stick together and change things by sticking to their beliefs. He understood that Aunt Peggy had said the quote with relevance to the sexist ridiculousness of her work force, but there was relevance in her words. She hadn't told them to be stubborn and never yield. Instead, she had told to find a middle ground at first, to try and resolve a situation through an acceptable compromise at first and then, if that offer was brushed aside by arrogance, to stick firmly to one's root beliefs and refuse to move.

Somehow those words gave strength to Tony and he closed his eyes, planting the idea of attempting a compromise at first, in his mind. After all, the river of truth flowed along everybody's shores and Tony knew that every side had their own truths. As much as he would love independence for the Avengers, it would be unfair to the world if they acted out in their arrogance. It would set a dangerous precedent to the other superheroes of the world. As protectors of the world, it became their duty to check themselves first.

"Thanks, Aunt Peggy," he whispered quietly and breathed out with a firmer resolve.

Little did he know that those words had strengthened somebody else's resolve too, just not in the direction as Tony's.

*****

Tony felt like tearing his hair out by the end of the meeting with Ross. He stayed quiet till Ross cut the call before calling Pepper as she had told him to.

"It's a disaster," he said without precedence and heard her sigh on the line.

"What'd he offer you?" she asked, clearly referring to Ross and Tony had the urge to simply let his head fall onto the table.

"Offer? I'd use the word 'threaten'," he laughed bitterly, rubbing at his forehead with the heel of one hand, "Pep, it's all going to fall apart if we don't sign. There's nothing protecting them anymore. I can't back them without putting a big red cross on all our backs, the government is refusing to back me up on trying to barter more time and Steve..."

Just the name was enough to make Tony swallow hard. He knew Steve. He  _knew_ why Steve had reacted to the news of James Buchanan Barnes being held accountable for the blast at the UN convention. He  _knew_ how Steve would react with all the protective instincts over his best friend. But  _goddammit_ , Tony also knew that Barnes was not the same guy that Steve knew seventy years ago. He knew what Hydra could do, what brainwashing and control could do. He knew that Barnes had been unmade and made into a weapon by the Nazi cowards. 

He knew that Steve would be emotionally compromised by Barnes.

"He won't sign," Pepper said quietly and Tony exhaled shakily at the realization that Pepper apparently knew Steve as well, "Tony..."

"I don't know, Pep, I don't know how to make him understand," he said tiredly, "He's the guy who saw SHIELD's rotting insides and tore it to the ground. It's pretty clear that he doesn't trust organizations much anymore."

"This isn't about his paranoia, Tony," his CEO, his wisest voice of advice countered, "You and I both know where the reputation of the team is standing in the world's eyes. Countries are going to start waging wars against  _them_ instead of letting them help their people if this continues. People are angry and scared. Look, I get that SHIELD was a bad experience, but Tony, Steve has to wake up to the fact that this does not mean he or the team can try to outspeak the concerns of 117 countries. He's Captain America, not Captain Planet."

"Don't give me ideas," Tony chuckled weakly and heard Pepper huff a bit fondly, "I really wish you were here to do this, you know?"

"Someone has to handle the clean-up of Lagos' collateral, Tony," she replied not unkindly and Tony sighed at another mess that Pepper would have to resolve through SI, as part of their funding of the Avengers. "You know," she continued after a minute in an amused tone, "You should try and get on a personal level with him maybe. Talk to him as a friend and not just Tony Stark The Accords Rep."

"Are you encouraging me to fraternize with Captain America?" he asked blandly and heard her snort again.

"Do you really need encouragement to do that?"

"Touche," Tony chuckled and wished her good luck before cutting the call when he noted that Ross was calling again.

Of course, it was only right for fate to arrange the perfect misunderstanding when Steve and Sam walked into the floor just as Tony was assuring Ross with mindless drivel of there being consequences and such.

"Consequences?" Steve asked with a small amused look and Tony shrugged easily.

"I had to give Ross  _something_ ," he said and Steve's eyes crinkled a bit.

"I'm not gonna get back my shield, am I?" he asked knowingly and Tony grinned as he caught up with Natasha.

"Well, something is better than everything," Natasha quipped as she herded Tony out with a smirk Steve's way

"That's cold man," Sam shook his head and Tony shot him a wry grin.

"Warmer than jail!" he shot back and caught Steve's resigned but relaxed look before leaving the floor to handle the paperwork of the shield and Falcon's wings. It was a moment's weakness that Tony didn't regret when he suggested the agent to issue the receipt for Sam's wings as 'bird costume'. Natasha rolled her eyes at him but allowed it, secretly liking the trolling herself.

It was also a moment's genius when Tony decided to pick up a special box on his way back up to meet Steve and talk about the Accords. 

At first it was friendly, the talk with Steve. Tony even played the card of the vintage pens, knowing how much Steve loved historical artifacts. It was a little difficult, talking about his dad to Steve, but Tony had gotten to know Steve well enough by now to know that Steve wouldn't rebuke him for it.

Of course, he hadn't expected the question about Pepper.

"Pepper and I...we're...we're actually," Tony didn't know how exactly he could word the sentence without giving a hint that they had broken up a long time ago.

"Pregnant?" Steve asked with a hopeful look and Tony laughed nervously at that before denying it and telling him that they had broken up. The sincere sadness on Steve's face at that news somehow mollifies Tony.

He almost gets Steve to sign it. He uses every method possible, practically begs, and Steve almost relents, mentioning certain clauses and changes they would need. Tony was all on board with that. He had aimed for that and he agreed that the document would need amendment. But that could be done once they had signed as well. It wasn't all that difficult, definitely not if they all stood together.

Tony was so relieved at the thought of Steve finally agreeing that he got loose with his tongue and let slip about Steve and Wanda's suspension, along with Wanda's requirement to stay in the Compound till the whole Lagos issue could be sorted out.

The news sparked off anger in Steve and Tony could see the hard won compromise flying out the window.

"She's a kid!" Steve yelled with a disgusted expression, "What you're doing is not protection, it's internment!"

"Steve, she's not a kid, she's an Avenger!" Tony countered with a displeased shake of his head, "And also, she's not a US citizen. She's a meta-human with no legal permission to be in the United States, Steve. Do you even realize the danger?"

"So you have a problem with people being meta-human or enhanced now?" Steve retorted, dragging a frustrated hand through his hair, "Jesus, Tony! Every time I think you're doing something right ..."

"She's a weapon of mass destruction, Cap!" Tony bursts out because he knows,  _he knows_ what she is capable of and he knows that her powers spark endless fear in countries and governments, "People don't give a visa to such cases!"

"Cases? Did you just call a kid,  _our teammate_ , a case?" Steve asked with an expression that suggested that Tony was a bottomfeeder, "Tony, she's a person! And she has rights!"

"And what happens to the rights of people who tell you that they don't want her on their land?!" Tony shot back, "What happens to the rights of people she can control?!"

"Tony, she's not - you know she isn't doing that!" Steve grit out with a frustrated expression.

"But the world doesn't, Steve. And you cannot ask them to believe you blindly just because you're Captain America," Tony replied and watched a muscle jump in Steve's jaw.

"I can't desert a teammate just because there are people who don't like them, Tony!" Steve declared and Tony lost it, he lost the last thread of control.

"Give me a break!" he yelled a bit, breathing erratically, "I'm trying to stave something worse from happening here!"

Steve shot Tony a look and moved away, turning to leave.

"You keep telling yourself that," he said as he walked out and Tony swallowed hard, pulling on his sunglasses to hide the fact that he just wanted to break down in exhaustion and distress.

It didn't take long for the situation to worsen when Tony heard the alarms of the building go off and Natasha came to find him with a grim expression.

"It's Barnes," she said shortly and Tony had to bite back a curse before he joined her in running down to try and stop an escaping Bucky Barnes a.k.a the Winter Soldier.

Even as Tony took position to fight, with just a modified gauntlet and his wits, he knew that the fight wasn't going to end well for any of them.

**********

Never before in his life had Tony imagined that he would rather die at the hands of a metal-armed mind-controlled ex-assassin than the hands of a spy.

Well, to be fair, Natasha was also an assassin so he was probably right in preferring Barnes to Natasha, especially since he  _knew_ how Natasha would skewer him into tiny pieces, rendering him incapable of getting a funeral even.

But it had to be done and he was probably going to die.

"I'm Teddy" he said without preamble when she came to enquire if he was okay after the disastrous fight with the Winter Soldier. He cringed in his mind, wishing he had said something to ease into the bomb but it was too late and his mouth wouldn't get any other words out.

Natasha's half smile stilled and Tony had to fight all urges to squirm under her gaze. She simply watched him for a few minutes straight before closing the distance and squeezing Tony's shoulder.

Painfully.

"Okay, so before my bones break, I gotta tell you why," Tony rasped through the pain.

"I don't want to -" Natasha's hiss was cut off when Tony whipped out his phone, the secret one from his vest pocket and flicked open a screen to show her.

_Steve: Hey Ted_

_Steve: This might seem odd, but I don't really know what'll happen after this and ..._

_Steve: Sorry, that was vague. Ted, I need to tell you something and I know that this is terrible timing and incredibly assuming but I need to do this._

_Steve: I want to thank you. No, I know you'll say something incredibly ridiculous to deflect it, but I mean it. I want to thank you for being my friend. For being the one person I never had to put on an act for. For being the person who kept me sane when I felt like I was living in insanity. For being that voice of grounding when I felt like diving off. I want to thank you, Ted, for being there for me. For all of us._

_Steve: You should know that I am probably going to be away for a considerable time. I'm about to do something incredibly unadvisable but also necessary. Chances of coming out completely victorious are slim to none, mostly because I don't really know what I'll be coming back to. I know that I'm not going to be liked very much for what I'm choosing but Ted, this is the only choice I have. Sometimes you gotta take the cursed way to save lives and if that's the way it has to be then that's what I'm up to._

_Steve: I'm not telling you any of this to get you involved. I'm telling you this because what I'm about to do might change things. Might change who I am, whom I represent._

_Steve: And before that, before that happens, I had to let you know the most basic, the only fact I know for sure_

_Steve: Ted, I always had a best friend. I'll always have him as my best friend._

_Steve: But when I came here, in this new age, I had nothing. And you gave me something I'll never forget._

_Steve: People gave me houses and quarters to live but you did something bigger_

_Steve: You gave me the security of knowing that somebody could accept me for who I am. You cared about me even when I did nothing in return. You are my friend, probably closer than that. But most of all, you did something for me that I could never thank you enough for. You gave me the realization of living in the present._

_Steve: Ted, you gave me a home. And I didn't want to go without letting you know that_

_Steve: Take care of yourself for me. I need you to be safe._

_Steve: Goodbye, Teddy bear. Love, Brooklyn._

"He's gonna do something stupid," Tony said desperately and watched Natasha stare at the screen with an impassive face, "He's gonna do something stupid and this time the trouble will drown him. He needs to be stopped."

Natasha wasn't the most level-headed member of the team for nothing and she nodded brusquely.

"I'll go get back up," she said curtly and turned on her heels but paused to shoot Tony one last bitter glance, "And Stark? Try not to deceive someone else in the meanwhile."

Tony doesn't even acknowledge the pain of his shoulder or the strange ache in his chest as he watches her go. He knows with certainty that she hasn't shown her real reaction yet, that she hasn't had the time to process anything yet.

But even now, with just a sliver of anger from her part, he knows that he has lost one friend.

The worst part though, is not that he has lost her trust. The worst part is that he has to break her warning as well.

Because in a way, it is deception that he plays in the Parker household of Queens when he tries to bring in Spiderman to stop his rogue team from worsening their own fate.

********

Tony doesn't know if it was anger towards him or concern towards Steve that had made Natasha give him and Barnes the chance to get away on the Quinjet. He presumes it's the former but he knows even as he entertains the thought that Natasha is more mature than that. 

The whole thing had been a mess from the start. Tony had tried, he had tried his hardest to get Steve to listen. He was almost ready to plead without shame when he saw that Steve had involved Clint in the fight. His mind had flashed warnings of Clint's family, his kids and Laura being in danger with his actions and Tony had wanted to yell with fury. Clint had retired! He was supposed to be safe. He was supposed to be away from this mess.

He was supposed to be one person Tony could have truly saved. Instead he had gotten involved by dragging Wanda and Pietro into the fight with him, shielding them as he helped Steve and the others reach the Quinjet. 

It had been a mess from the beginning and nothing they did helped to lessen the mess. But nothing had prepared Tony for Rhodey's fall.

Nothing had prepared him to see his best friend fall out of the sky, chest plate burnt and pulse faint.

The words spinal injury, lumbar break and possible paralysis swirl around in his head and Tony hadn't thought it possible to feel this helpless, this tired.

God, just imagining his Rhodey with this bad a break makes Tony want to scream or break something. Instead, he chooses to simply look out the balcony of the hospital.

"How is he?" he heard and knew the voice, knew who it was without turning around.

"It's a break in his lumbar region. It's...it's not good," Tony relied quietly, still staring ahead and felt rather than saw Natasha move forward to stand beside him.

"Did you ever think about coming clean?" she asked after a pause and Tony felt too tired to even think about lying.

"No," he answered truthfully and a bit bitterly, "Not really."

"Why the secrecy?" she asked quietly, detached yet insistent in her tone.

"I think you know why," he answered and she scoffed a bit.

"Haven't you presumed enough about people yet?" she asked before a tensed pause and continuing, "Why did you lie, Tony?"

"Because the truth would never be enough," he said honestly, the words clearly implying that  _he_ would never be enough.

"Your sense of self is as always, clouded and superficial then? Is that it?" she asked rhetorically and Tony simply swallows a million words. They stand in silence for a while before Natasha exhales on a sigh.

"Steve won't stop," she said quietly, "If you don't too, then Rhodey will be our best case scenario."

"If he doesn't stop, he will be made an example for others," Tony shook his head tiredly and felt Natasha's sharp gaze on the side of his face.

"Look at me," she commanded softly and Tony shot her a glance, "We played this wrong, Tony."

"We've both played dual roles long enough to know that there isn't a right way here, Natasha," he replied with a tired shrug, "The spy DNA should have told you that by now."

"I need you to let go of your bruised ego for one goddamned second and use your reputed brain right now," she said firmly and Tony raised an eyebrow, "You need to fix this, Tony. We both know that it has to be you."

Tony didn't react to that and instead exhaled shakily.

"T'Challa would have tattled on you by now," he informed, "Ross will come for you, Natasha, you know he will. You need to watch your back right now."

"Something tells me I'm not the one who needs to watch my back," she replied with an indignant but knowing look, "If you really care about him, then you need to get off your ass and do something to help him, Stark. This smokescreen support won't cut it anymore. Chew on that for a while."

With that parting shot, Natasha Romanoff walked out of the hospital and left a beaten but worried Tony alone.

When Friday showed him the pictures of the dead psych who was supposed to have come to the HQ, Tony knew that there was no silver lining to his dark cloud.

"Friday, fire up the chopper," he commanded and left to try one more time to help the team he was losing rapidly.

If he was going to lose in any circumstance, he was at the very least going to make sure that they had a winning chance to survive.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you see my devil's horns yet? :D  
> I wanted to keep the Siberia scene for the next chapter because that's where some HUGE revelations will happen. Please be ready with hot chocolate and warm blankets.  
> Feedback please! <3


	11. Make Me Your Misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony, meet Brooklyn. Steve, meet Teddy. Bucky, meet confusion. Clint, oh god shut up. Sam, take a break please. Wanda and Pietro, oops. Zemo, get off my lawn!

There was no two ways about it. Tony was absolutely disgusted with the Raft and what Ross had done to the team. He could feel his skin crawling with the very thought of it and the visual was doing nothing to help.

" _Fuck_ ", he muttered under his breath as Ross left him alone after blatantly refusing to consider the theory of Zemo being the true culprit instead of Barnes, "Fuck it all to hell."

He put on a mask of indifference in front of the guards but he could feel his heart hammer in his chest with every factor of the prison he took in. They had gone all out with the security, ranging from biometric signatures to the highest code of retinal scanners. His only consolation was that they weren't using Stark tech and were instead relying on Oscorp. This was probably the first time Tony was bemoaning the thought that somebody hadn't used HammerTech instead, but Tony was still okay with the Oscorp tech.

He mentally scoffed at Ross' threatening statement that he should be 'thankful' about not being in one of the cells. How was there anything to be thankful for when all he had fought for had gone down the drain? How was he supposed to be 'thankful' for the one thing he had strived to prevent all this time?

When he entered the prison 's inner core, he almost spun on his heel and walked out. It was the most sickening sight he had seen yet, the visual spread out before him.The team he had once seen in all its glory - fearless, proud, and sharp - was laid out like lowly criminals, stripped of their dignity and tagged with derision. Tony stepped in, the scene pulling him in with morbid fascination, and took in the state of each Avengers. 

He began from he cell to the farthest on his right, the one where a quiet, eerily quiet, Wanda was held by a straightjacket and fastened with a power collar that Tony recognized to be one of the heavy duty ones. Any attempt by the little witch to use her powers, the one he knew had almost become a second skin to her, would cause a full body shock that would resonate till her powers hadn't flickered out into silence. It was the kind of tech that had been made to restrain supervillains, remembering Loki. Seeing it on Wanda, a woman who had spent the early part of her life as an experiment of Hydra made Tony's insides curl. She looked completely defeated, stock still, shoulders hunched into herself and eyes unseeing. Like a trainwreck he couldn't stop, Tony's eyes dragged onto the next cell, where Pietro was outfitted with a similar staightjacket, except that he had power restraining anklets instead of a collar. Tony didn't want to imagine what it would be like for the speedster to not be able to move, not walk without feeling electricity run through him. 

_She's a kid_ , Steve's voice echoed in his head and Tony didn't know how to argue with that, even though he  _knew_ that Steve had been rash in dragging this whole thing into a fight instead of just coming to him with Zemo's truth earlier. This was Steve's fault but not any more than it was Tony's fault too, in safeguarding the charges they had formed into a team.

"The futurist is here! The futurist, ladies and gentlemen!"

Tony knew who it was even before turning to look at the cell from where the taunt had come. He turned nonetheless and met the burning, mocking eyes of Clint barton, the man he had come to consider his family, his brother of a sort. Tony could have ignored and understood every other thing Steve had done in this madness they were living, but he would never understand or forgive Steve for involving Clint in it. Clint, who had three precious children to return to. Clint, who had a family that needed him. Clint, who had once brought them all to his home, his secret, and had saved them. Clint, who had fucking retired.

The anger, frustration, desperation and helplessness roiled low in his gut and Tony turned defensive even before he could think through his words.

"Give me a break, Clint," he breathed, moving closer and noting the tensed lines on the archer's shoulders, "I tried to stop it all. Tried to keep you guys from pulling such moves....I didn't know about this. This is some kind of a supermax floating cage. I knew that there would be consequences but not to this extent. Not where you guys would be thrown like...like.."

"Criminals? That's the word you're looking for, right Tony?" Clint asked in muted anger, blue eyes burning into Tony's, "Yeah, but you knew they'd put us  _somewhere_ , right?"

"Clint, come on," Tony tried again only to be cut off.

"Look around you, Tony," Clint growled, "Loot at us! Look at Wanda, Sam, Pietro! They're criminals now? Loot at me, you see a criminal now, is it?!"

"You know the law, Barton!" Tony snapped quietly, needing Clint to think, needing him to listen desperately, "You knew what you were getting into. You broke the law, you knew what the consequences would be". The  _you asshole_ was implied and Tony meant it because he was angry now. Angry that CLint had thrown away his had earned freedom from the throes of secrecy and heroics. Angry that all these years of nudging a father towards his family had probably gone down the drain. Angry that Tony would lose his family all over again now.

"Law, law, law," Clint muttered under his breath, pacing like a caged wild animal, hands flexing and clenching at the air, "Law, he says, the guy who never cared about them. Law, law, law..."

"Why'd you do it, Clint?" Tony asked, needing to know before he got on with his job, "Why'd you come? You have a family, you've got everything you could ever need. Why'd you throw it all away, you _bastard_?!"

Tony knew that he sounded hoarse and harsh in that last sentence and Clint paused in his pacing too, a second where he looked up with narrowed eyes and a minuscule of shock and Tony had to look away, had to hide his eyes from the man who could see things others couldn't. He couldn't let Clint see the helplessness and hurt in his eyes, couldn't let Clint know that Tony knew the extent of wrong this whole situation was. 

He turned away and walked forward, hearing the scrape of feet before he heard Clint snarl.

"Watch your backs around this guy, people, or he might just break it!"

It was like hot iron burning into his back, hearing those words at a time when he knew that his Rhodey had -

Tony pushed the thought away with a shaky breath and moved, ignoring the ridiculous jab from the new guy with a pointed 'Who are you?', because he genuinely didn't know why the guy was involved in the situation at all.

Finally, he came to stand in front of the one person who was his only hope and Tony hoped with every ounce of strength in him that he was right to place his bet on this man.

Sam Wilson was the kind of man you trusted not just on principle but merely by existence. People thought that Steve was the embodiment of righteousness and loyalty, topped with some good old red-blooded values, but those people wouldn't have seen anything if they hadn't seen Sam Wilson. The Sam Wilson who Tony knew had known Steve for not over two days and had yet risked his everything to accompany the man into what seemed like certain jaws of death. The Sam Wilson whom Rhodey always referred to as the 'Better Cap' every time Sam made the joke of him being just like Steve only slower. The Sam Wilson who had seen Rhodey fall and had actually come down to try to help, only to get shot back by a panicked Tony.

"How's Rhodes?" Sam asked without turning around and with just that one question, Tony felt his anxiousness ebb. If Sam could put Rhodey first, put an injured teammate above their fight, then there was no way Tony could doubt him.

"He's alive," Tony said, because that was the crux of it for him, the most important part, "Docs say that it could have been worse and that..."

Sam turned his head to the side and shot Tony half a look at the trailed off tone but Tony simply continued to the more important part.

"We're shifting him to Columbia tomorrow so...fingers crossed." he said with a sigh and Sam turned around to give him a silent, tight nod. Tony takes another breath and breaks the real reason he came here for.

"So, where exactly are Cap and his cyborg?" he asked and immediately bit back a wince when Sam's shoulders tightened. Great phrasing there Stark, he thought to himself.

As expected, Sam went off on a spiel about Tony having to hurt him to get information out of him. Tony was short on time, so he simply rolled back his sleeve and cut out the audio of the AV.

"You see this? This is the audio I just flipped off their AV" Tony said quietly and Sam paused at that, features resettling to suspicion but not outright hostility, prompting Tony to continue, "Sam, I just got this photograph from the Berlin police."

He showed the photo of the man who had died mysteriously before Zemo had impersonated him.

"I was wrong. I'm sorry, I know I was wrong," Tony said quietly.

"That's a first"

"Yes, but Sam, Steve is out there with no help and a shit ton of trouble," Tony continued, looking Sam dead in the eye, "He's definitely off the reservation here, Sam. This guy, Zemo whatever, he's gonna make some move and it's going to be big. Steve has no help there and he's gonna need all the help he can get. It's shitty and ironic, I know, but right now, I'm the only bet we've got."

When Sam looked a bit unsettled, Tony took a breath and softened his tone.

"Look, you don't know me and you don't have to trust me but -"

"Nah, it's cool," Sam cut him short and Tony looked up to see Sam eyeing him more calmly even though he still looked cautious, "Look, I will tell you. But I need a promise from you."

"Anything," Tony said promptly and that brought a small quirk to Sam's lips.

"You have to go alone, and you have to go as a friend."

It was the simplest thing anyone had asked of him lately and Tony had only one answer for it.

"Easy"

***********

Steve knew what Bucky meant when he warned Steve that his friends would be hurt. He also knew that his own words were hollow when he replied that he would handle it. 

There was no handling left. He had left behind people who had trusted him, who had counted on him. Sure, Sam, Clint, Scott and Wanda had told him to take Bucky and leave but Steve knew what would have happened with them. 

_Warmer than jail_..

Tony's quip came to mind and Steve had to breathe din deeply to calm himself. There was no point in thinking about him at the moment. He knew that Tony didn't believe him right now, probably was as annoyed with him as he was with Tony, but with more frustration on the genius' end. Steve knew that Tony wouldn't be able to understand why Steve had to protect Bucky, why he had to stop Zemo. He knew how it must have looked for Tony, Steve and the others trying to run from an airport, in full battle gear.

He also knew though, that there was no other way. Ross would never acknowledge Zemo's plot, Steve could see that clearly. The way Bucky had been framed, it would be actions first and explanations later. Steve couldn't do that.

He couldn't lose Bucky now that he had got him back. Unbidden, a memory came to his mind and Steve remembered a sentence someone had once shared with him.

_It's a choice, Brooklyn. If you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, you have to choose one of them to destroy so that you can breathe...._

It was cold and not something that people would say polite, but Steve now understood what Teddy had meant when he had advised this to him a long time ago. He knew that he would have had a better chance, a better shot at this mission, with Tony by his side but he had to look forward now.

He might not be able to handle things smoothly after this but he would try. For now, he had to stop a disaster.

The bunker in Siberia was not hard to find and Steve watched as Bucky carefully shut down his own panic before entering the damp place. For a minute, just a minute, Steve let himself remember the last time he had been in a Hydra base with Bucky. It seemed like ages ago, and it probably was, but he could still picture it clearly in his mind. The fear, the anxiety to know that his best friend was alive, the determination to get them all home - it had been the first time Steve had picked up the mantle of Captain America in the truest sense. 

If he were to lose that title today, he would go back to being just Steve Rogers. Strangely, it didn't seem like a bad concept.

He imagined what it would be like, being just Steve. Being able to meet people and not think about an overbearing title looming over him. Being able to be wrong and be accepted as human instead or just a hero. Being able to ask someone out as just another man and not a flag draped superhuman. Being able to explore, experiment, experience things at leisure.

Being able to meet and tell someone that he had maybe fallen in love with them without even seeing them.

"We're here," Bucky said quietly and Steve stepped out of the elevator, ready to begin their mission.

They were in the process of scouting the area when they heard the creak of the bunker door opening. In sync, both Steve and Bucky turned around, Steve crouching low to shield and Bucky standing above him to fire. Steve was ready, absolutely ready for whatever surprise Zemo would throw at them.

Except, it wasn't Zemo who greeted them when the doors opened.

Steve's first thought was  _Oh God, it's Tony!_

His second thought was strangely  _Thank God, it's Tony!_

"You seem a little defensive there, Cap," Tony's voice filtered through the helmet before it slid off his head to reveal the tired but lightly smirking man. Steve could swear that he almost heard a teasing tone to the observation.

"Well, it's been a long day," Steve quipped and saw Tony's smirk deepen, like he was delighted that Steve had sassed back. Both men came to a halt within three feet of each other when Tony spoke up again.

"Ross doesn't know I'm here," he said and Steve realized what was happening, relief flooding him in waves, "And I'd kind of like to keep it that way? Arresting myself doesn't sound all that good."

"Sounds like a lot of paper work," Steve commented, knowing Tony's absolute loathing for paperwork. The sentence worked like a charm and Tony's smirk softened into a small grin which finally prompted Steve to relax.

"It's good to see you, Tony," he said sincerely and saw Tony smile at him, soft and understanding.

"You too, Steve," he said before looking past Steve at Bucky and rolling his eyes casually, "Seriously Manchurian Candidate? You're killing me with the gun up thing now. We're on a truce now, see?"

Steve turned around and gestured for Bucky to drop his stance and his best friend complied with a sigh of relief. Steve knew how much Bucky hated fighting right now.

"So, we gonna catch the psycho now?" Tony asked and Steve shot him a slightly exasperated look but Tony simply shrugged and followed Steve as they continued their reconnaissance.

In the end it was pretty easy to find Zemo, the man awaiting them himself. Steve didn't want to voice it out loud but Tony's assessment of Zemo being a bit of a psycho came through when the man boasted about stalking them for more than a year. Steve understood that he was a victim of disaster and knew that grief made people vicious but he couldn't really excuse this man for the death of the innocent people he had trampled on to get to Bucky and them. He ignored the man's comment about flaws and such, moving back to where Tony stood when he heard the genius call out to him about some video.

When he stood behind Tony and looked at an old screen showcasing a grainy but visible footage of an abandoned road, he felt a sense of foreboding. When a car crashed on screen, the instinct only grew stronger.

Steve suddenly knew why they had all been dragged here, and he felt the first spike of fear.

There was no way this was going to end well.

*********

Tony felt like an idiot the minute it all clicked in his mind. Of course it would be this. Of course the only revenge Zemo could get on the team that destroyed his family was by destroying the team. And there was no way to destroy the Avengers better than to tear it apart from within. 

External enemies they could tackle easily but cracks between them? They would never survive that. Despite the strength of the team and each individual in themselves, everybody knew that Tony and Steve were the core of the group. The two wheels of the venture. The Avengers had begun with them, with both of them being the ones to rebel first, to decide to go out and fight Loki first. The Avengers had run on their shoulders for the longest time, even after Tony's retirement, with Tony being the resource and Steve being the management. They pulled and pushed and fought consistently but it was only because they had always come back for each other that the team had stuck. So it was obvious what Zemo had planned.

Tear Steve and Tony apart by pitting them against each other. Make it personal.

Except, Zemo had clearly not known that Tony had an ace up his sleeve too. A lie that had eventually come to spare him this moment. Zemo did not know about Teddy. He did not know that Steve had told Teddy about Bucky Barnes, albeit unwittingly.

Zemo did not know that Tony knew what he was watching even before he watched it completely.

It did not make it any easier though and Tony flinched the minute he saw Howard fall out of the car and beg Barnes to save his wife. Tony bit the inside of his cheek when Barnes, no, the Winter Soldier's metal fist connected to Howard's face again and again, beating the life out of him. He felt his hands curl into fists when the Soldier put a dead Howard back into the seat and walked around.

Tony knew what was going to come even before it came. He looked up then and stared at Barnes, who had bowed his head a bit and was clearly struggling with himself. Tony saw him look up, eyes bright and glistening even as the man looked defiant a bit, more out of necessity than reality. He saw a man who was expecting death for what he had done.

Tony heard the dying gasp of his mother and grit his teeth, feeling himself quake a bit. He had known. He had known for almost two years now and it was still painful. But because he knew, he was able to look beyond the moment, beyond his own pain and anger at what Zemo had planned, and what could have happened if Tony hadn't known this truth before. If it had been sprung on him today.

Without thinking, he staggered a bit forward, in Barnes' direction and felt Steve hold him back with a worried call of his name.

"Tony, no, no, Tony," Steve muttered urgently and Tony tensed under his hold, turning around to face him.

"No what, Steve?" he asked coldly, tired and angry and hurt and numb.

"It wasn't him, Tony," Steve tried, desperate and a bit pleading, "It wasn't him. It was Hydra."

"Don't bullshit me, Rogers," Tony hissed at that because he  _knew_ that Steve knew this before, "You knew that it was him! You know it was him! "

"It was -"

"Hydra, yeah, but it was still  _him_ ," Tony scoffed and ignored the way Steve froze, like he had heard it elsewhere. Tony wrenched his arm away from Steve's grasp and ran a gauntleted hand over his face, shaking inside, "Shit! Fuck,  _fuck, **fuck**_ **!"**

"Tony?"

"Do not talk to me right now," Tony warned Steve and moved back a bit, focusing on breathing through the choke in his throat, "Just...don't."

For once in his life, Steve actually listened and stayed still, letting Tony breathe and come to terms with the shit they had just witnessed.

"I just want you to know, how much of an asshole you are for ..everything, for everything right now," Tony growled in Steve's direction and waved a gauntlet vaguely in Bucky's direction too, "Both of you."

"I'm sorry, Tony," Steve said quietly, a bit calmer now that he seemed to realize that Tony wasn't going for them. He remained where he was, clearly taking Tony's warning well, but spoke quietly, with as much sincerity as he could manage. "Tony, I - I'm sorry I -"

"You know who's the bigger asshole though?" Tony continued, clearly ignoring Steve's babble and raised his eyes to meet Steve's, "Me. I'm the bigger asshole. And it's strange but that's the only thing that's stopping me from doing something rash right now."

"What?"

" _Sometimes you can't protect everyone, Steve_ ," Tony said quietly, noting Steve's frown but continuing with a wry smirk of his own, "Remember? How I unwittingly told you to not tell me in an indirect way?"

Steve looked confused and a bit wary now. "Tony, what are you -"

" _If you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, you have to choose one of them to destroy so that you can breathe_ " Tony said and saw Steve still, freeze in a way that was unnatural. Meeting Steve's blue eyes with resigned brown ones of his own, Tony added one last sentence, " _It's a choice....Brooklyn_ "

"No" Steve breathed, a single rush of denial, of desperation and of dismay, "No"

"Guess you really don't know to stay safe, do you?" Tony asked tiredly, shrugging and squaring his shoulders with a weary, resigned and sad smile, "Hi, Brooklyn"

"You..." Steve was choking on his own tongue maybe but Tony understood and nodded tiredly, worn out with the burden and the pain and the secrets.

"I am Teddy"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You knew the pain was coming, didn't you? It's still coming and well, it won't be clearing so soon but there will be some respite for Tony in some time, I promise. He's a badass at heart. He's a phoenix. You burn him down and he'll get back up...


End file.
